Gratitude In Grief

Lessons From the Road....

2011-07-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

...he allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.
~Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera~

Well, here we are once again. July 4th.

If you have been following along, you know that last year, I was running for the hills, trying to get away from the 4th of July. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the day. The day however, had different plans...

http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2010/07/parades-fire-trucks-and-remembering.html

So, this year, I was not afraid of the balloons, fireworks, the red, white or blue. I knew it would be a tough day, being two whole years since Stephen died. But I carried with me the lesson of last year, that it is okay to be happy on this day, even through tears. You don't need to, nor can you, run away from life.

My husband and I decided to get away and have a quiet 4th together, remembering a wonderful son and all the love he brought into our lives. We packed the car, made sure Rudy the Wonder Dog was comfortable, and off we went. About an hour into the drive we had to abruptly stop, as we came upon an accident that had happened just moments before. Saying a silent prayer, my mind was racing. I was thinking about the people involved and their families. I was reliving the call I received on the evening of July 4th, hoping that some mother or father would not have to experience a moment like that one.

We sat on the road for about an hour and forty five minutes as the responders worked feverishly to help the occupants of the vehicles. Two helicopters landed to airlift the critically injured.

It's hard to explain the range of emotions as we sat and watched this unfold. I prayed and prayed, hoping for a positive end to this story. Our fellow motorists, cars packed to the ceiling, mingled and talked quietly as they gazed towards the flashing lights.

We all realized it. It could be any one of us. If Mary hadn't been so long in the bathroom, if Joe didn't need to stop for another Diet Coke. It could be any of us.

As the State troopers directed the steady stream of traffic once the accident had been cleared, we slowly drove past the mangled vehicle. A lonely kayak lay overturned on the side of the road, dislodged from its carrier, no longer on the way to the beach.

I'm not sure what happened to those involved. I pray they are okay.

Two road trips trying to cope with the 4th of July have taught me two valuable lessons in life.

Last July, I learned that it is okay to let myself be happy, even on the tough days, even if that happiness is mixed with tremendous sadness.

This year, I was reminded that a happy life is to be lived now.

Today.

Because life can bring change with the blink of an eye.

So, on this July 4th, do me a favor. Consider this your Independence Day. Break free from the chains of past hurts and allow yourself to be happy. Don't let your future be dependent on what has happened to you up to this point. Let your life be defined by you.

For me, that independence means starting something new. I've created a new blog called Just One Little Thing

In it, I plan to continue the conversation about life and gratitude, with a focus on life. It is the next chapter. I do hope that you follow me. I've also created a facebook group where you can share your one little thing. I see this as part of Stephen's legacy, as I feel his smile with each bit of goodness that I share with others. It launched today. I wanted it to begin on the 4th, showing myself and others that happy and sad can coexist. Truthfully, one cannot exist without the other.

Today, my one little thing is a big thing. Today I am thankful for being Stephen's mom. My son, my teacher, he continues to show me the way.

I will leave you with a song by an amazing songwriter and artist, Chris Trapper. He wrote this song after the passing of a friend. I simply love it. I think if Stephen could put in a request, he would tell all of us to sing along.

Thanks for walking with me,

Kelly

Pema Chodron-We Just Don't Know....

2011-06-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don’t know what’s really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don’t know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don’t know. We never know if we’re going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know. ~Pema Chodron~

Happy Thursday y'all.

Just had to share this quote from Pema Chodron. Read it a couple of times and really think about how it might apply to your life. It really made me think.

It's all about the way you look at things. For your daily dose of positive perspective, join the new group on Facebook, Just One Little Thing.

Launching July 4th. Please like the page today and join me.

Have a good one,

Kelly

The Next Leg of the Journey...

2011-06-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Life is like sailing. You can use any wind to go in any direction. ~Robert Brault~

Hello friends,

First, I want to begin by saying thank you for all the support over the past two years. In life, we truly find our strength, not in isolation, but by sharing and connecting with others, sharing the lessons we have learned along the way. I've learned so very much from all of you, and have been so humbled by your response to Stephen's story. With each person who has connected with me, I have felt his beautiful smile, and have been encouraged to keep writing, keep breathing, to simply keep going. Many days, you have all been my one little thing.

Almost a year ago, on July 4th, 2010, I was at a crossroads of sorts, wondering where to go with this "Gratitude in Grief." A year had passed since losing Stephen, but I was still broken, still hurting. But, I was also feeling hopeful for my future. I wondered should I continue on this path, or immerse myself back in "normal life." Whatever normal is anyway...

It was not until I started to clean out my office that the answer came. You see, I looked back to you for my answers. Since beginning this journey, and sharing my story, I have received (and responded to almost all...still working on it :-)) close to 10,000 emails from all of you. Words of wisdom, encouragement, support. In some emails, you bravely shared your own story, and I learned that each of us has a book within us. Many of you told me what you needed.

Hope, even in hardship.

Happiness, even in grief.

The ability to feel grateful for what remains, even in the bleakest of circumstances.

You gave me my answer. And so, I am pleased to invite you to the next leg of the journey,

"Just One Little Thing"

I've created a community of gratitude and resilience, a safe place where we can give each other a daily dose of what we need to keep going. The Facebook page is now up, but will be officially launching on July 4, 2011.

Join me by clicking on the link above, and "liking" the page. Then watch for the launch of the 4th! The Facebook page is just the beginning, and we've got some exciting plans for the coming months.

My goal is to get as many people to join as we can by the 4th. That's kind of my little thing for that day. So, invite your friends and tell them to invite theirs. Let's get the biggest group to continue this conversation. So, start inviting...

Thanks again for sharing so much of yourselves with me on this journey.

Kelly

p.s. After you like the page, go to the Join My List tab to sign up for Inbox Inspirations, a daily dose of inspiration to help you find your one little thing!

Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss Released

2011-06-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

A few months back, I was approached to be a contributor to a new book called Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss. I was both pleased and humbled to be asked and naturally, I jumped at the opportunity.

The book's authors, Dr. Gloria Horsley, PhD, MFC, RN, and Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, LMSW, are internationally recognized grief experts. The mother/daughter team founded the Open to Hope Foundation and are hosts of the popular “Open to Hope” Internet radio show.

Since experiencing my own loss, I have searched for grief support that presented the grieving process with a focus on hope for the possibility of a happy future. I found that in the wonderful resources created by Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi.

So, drum roll please. I'm so pleased to announce the release of the book,

Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss

The book offers a path for hope after loss, with expert guidance. It includes stories and validation from close to 100 other national experts in the area of grief and loss. The amazing Dr. Bernie Siegel said this about the book,

"This book is about more than finding hope. It is about the natives teaching the tourists how to survive the pain of the loss of a loved one. Loss is inevitable, but what we do with it is a choice we must each make. If you want to recover and turn the charcoal into a diamond by using the pressure you are experiencing, read on."
Bernie Siegel, M.D.
Author of 365 Prescriptions for the Soul;
Love, Medicine & Miracles; and Buddy's Candle

The book is available at local and national bookstores, as well as all online booksellers such as amazon.com, or directly through www.opentohope.com/book. For more information about the book or the Open to Hope Foundation, visit http://www.opentohope.com/ .

I am excited to be part of this, and have part of my own story within the pages. I hope it will serve as a light in dark times for many who read it. As Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi so eloquently put it,

Lean on our hope until you find your own.

Take some time to check it out!

Kelly

The Gift of a Brand New Day

2011-06-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." ~Mary Pickford~

A brand new day. How many times have you arrived home, flopped on the couch, turned on the TV and sighed, thinking, "Thank God that day is over."

We've all been there. A day we wished would simply end.

But let's be honest. How many of us, that very next morning, begin our brand new day thinking about all the negatives of the day before. How many of us let all those cumulative bad day negatives compound until our brand new day doesn't have a chance.

We need to practice at wiping the slate clean. And before some of you send me the email saying you cannot erase your past, let me finish. I don't mean forget or erase. I don't mean "move on", because as someone who has lost, I know how those two words can sting. I simply mean that life is important enough to deserve a second chance.

We have to be willing to start with a fresh new canvas, and give each new day the chance it deserves. If you are brave enough to release the hurts of the past, your world can open to all the possibilities that exist for you. You need to make room for the good stuff.

So, tomorrow, when you sit on the edge of the bed, ready to face the world, think of yourself as a blank canvas. Your mind, and your thoughts are your paint.

What masterpiece will you create?

Go be an artist,

Kelly

Have a listen to Joshua Radin in this quirky but applicable video. Love him.

25 Years Ago Today...Happy Birthday Stephen

2011-05-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." ~ Agatha Christie~

Today Is Stephen's 25th birthday. It is a quiet day here, one of reflection and remembrance. I miss him, and I wish he was here so I could bake him a cake, and sing, and just love him. It has always been a day of mixed emotions to be honest. The day I received Stephen, I lost his brother. In many ways, I always go back to that day, where I had to balance both joy and pain. It was the beginning of my education on life and finding gratitude in grief.

I've been thinking about this special birthday for months. First, I wanted to go away. I thought I would attend a retreat. Perhaps meditate for the weekend. Maybe I would completely distract myself with some household chore or activity. I ended up doing something much more personal, sitting with my thoughts. I've spent the entire weekend thinking about what the next step is for me, and how I can continue to spread all the goodness that was Stephen.

25 years ago today, I had no idea one little person would make such a long lasting impact on my life. I, as a very young and very unprepared mother, was worried about what I would need to do, how much my life would change, what I would have to sacrifice. I have to be honest, I was worried about how this would forever change the course of my life, not how I could potentially affect the course of his.

I did not realize that this small, fuzzy wrinkled miracle would bring me nothing but gifts. I simply had no idea of the events that would unfold after I heard that small but determined little cry in the delivery room.

Funny isn't it. Those moments when we think that life is over. They are actually just beginning. The things that appear to crush us do not, but perhaps mold us ( albeit painfully) so that we are ready for the good that will come from change. I know sometimes when you're right in the "thick of it" it is hard to believe that good could come from it. But it does. If you choose to let it.

That's what I'm thinking about today, on Stephen's birthday. The good that came from, and continues to come from his unplanned, unexpected life. Each day, as I write, or respond to someone who has read his story, I feel the ripple of his life. The brilliance of his soul continues to shine and sparkle when I spread love.

Even in something as bad as death, something good can be found. If you choose to believe that it is possible to be happy, even through tears.

That is what I hold onto today.

So today, do me a favor. Celebrate with me. But doing one thing. Look at your own life. See the good and bad. And ask yourself where it can take you. I guarantee you if you let it, it will teach you and lead to something wonderful. Take stock of where you are, and what you want for your life.

Today, I am thankful for Stephen, and the ripple of his life as it continues to impact the lives of so many.

On a side note, I am thankful that yesterday was not the end of the world. In some weird warped way, the thought of the earth's demise and potential rapture made this weekend a little easier for me. As I awoke this morning, I knew the day would be tough, but certainly not as tough as was predicted. One little thing to be thankful for.....sorry, sarcasm runs in my family.

I will leave you with the thoughts I wrote about him last year and a song from one of his favorite bands.

Spread some love today will ya?

Kelly

http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2010/05/on-your-birthdayremembering-stephen.html

You're Just Like Your Mother...

2011-05-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. ~Abraham Lincoln

Growing up, I often heard the phrase,

"You're just like your mother."

I've heard it for as long as I can remember. Even at her funeral, relatives and friends alike remarked how much I reminded them of her. At the time, at twenty years old, I could not see it.

But the truth is, I was and still am. I look like my mother, with her crooked flat little nose. I sound like my mother and can almost hear her in the room when I guffaw in a certain way after hearing something that tickles my funny bone. I can feel her when I slam a cupboard in frustration, or get excited about good news. I am private like she was, and live a life that is introverted, even though some would think I am an open book. I am flawed, but accepting of those imperfections because she showed me that it was okay to be less than perfect. When I am baking, and the recipes works, I feel my mother in the kitchen with me, willing me to succeed in cutting squares that are actually square, and not something like a parallelogram out of a tenth grade geometry text. (why does everyone need squares to be square anyway?)

When Stephen died, I longed for her, needing a comfort that only a mother could give her child. And, that not being possible, I instead decided to conduct myself in a way that was "Madge-like." I took comfort in the fact that if she could not be with me, at least she was with Stephen. I tried to be dignified, loving, and sometimes even stoic. But most of all, I tried to be like her and remain positive and strong in the face of tremendous hurt in life. Truly, when I think about my choice to grieve with gratitude, she deserves a great measure of the credit. More than my nose, I believe I am most like my mother in how I deal with the valleys of life. And that makes me proud.

I wonder if she realized the immense responsibility that was hers when she took on this gig called motherhood. I wonder if she understood that through the way she lives, I would grow to see life through her eyes. From her, I learned how to express love, frustration, and anger. I learned how a marriage should work. I learned how much a mother should tolerate and where to draw the line. I learned how to love my own children, and be a protective Momma bear. I learned how to bake bread, make soup and slam cupboards when I disagreed with the direction of the family. I learned about tradition, and how to make occasions special. She taught me resilience, and how to stand tall when life was less than perfect. She showed me that not only was it okay for me to be happy, it was required. She was not perfect, and showed me that was okay too.

So, as we approach this Mother's Day, I would ask you to do two important things.

Give thanks for your own mother, and all she did throughout the years to shape you into the human being you are today. Whether she is living or has passed on, take some time this weekend to wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

And finally, if you yourself are now a mother, think about the life you are reflecting in your own child's eyes. Are you teaching your child about happiness, love and gratitude? Are you, through your own life, showing your child that they are beautiful and worthy of all the joy that life has to offer?

Happy Mother's Day Madge. Heaven is lucky to have you.

Kelly

p.s. The photo is one of my favorites of my mother, and was taken at my birthday party. It captures who she was, with her hands on her hips and that grin. She was awesome. If you look closely, in the corner of the picture, you can see my neighbor Gary climbing the fence. Shortly after this picture was taken, I had a meltdown at my party ( this happened every year, as I could not take the attention) and was escorted to my bedroom to watch my friends and relatives from my window as they enjoyed the celebration of my birth. I don't think Madge was smiling so much as she dragged me down the hall kicking and screaming and otherwise being a monster. My family and I call it Birthday Party Syndrome. And yes, I still have this affliction, and require some quiet time each birthday....although now, I do not require an escort, and just go quietly without a fuss.

Different Thinking For Different Results....

2011-04-19T06:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday,

I just wanted to share this short video with you, as it really made me stop and think.

Are you thinking differently these days in the hopes of producing some different results?

I don't know about you, but I think our world needs a few more crazy thinkers who think they can change the world.

Kelly

This Year's Hot Spring Fashion-The Lead Jacket

2011-03-25T04:44:00.000-07:00

The fastest way to freedom is to feel your feelings. -Gita Bellin

Yesterday, I was reading a short article about the hottest new fashion items for spring. There is always an article like this at every change of season. The absolute essential ten pieces you need in your wardrobe to survive the next four months.

I don't always buy into the fashion of the month, but the change of season does bring a sense of renewal, and the urge to purge my closet.

So, yesterday, I did just that. I dove into that closet and starting pulling things from hangers and shoving them into bags for the Goodwill. Haven't worn it in six months? Good bye. Don't need the stuffy business suits of years gone by? Off they go. Pants too tight? Adios. Pants too loose? Good bye, but let's take a moment to celebrate shall we?

If you're like me, you have The "Armageddon" Closet. It is prepared for any wardrobe scenario you may be faced with.

Faced with a tornado, followed by a frost warning, with an evening of rain? I have this jacket I've held onto for just that very day. On a diet of lettuce? Choose the pants on the left. Having a love affair with Oreos and Ruffles? Pants on the right please. Zombie attack? I have an outfit with enough pockets to accommodate the various weapons required to save yourself and those you love from the wrath of the undead.

But really, who needs it? Is my closet living in the present moment? Do I need to be prepared for every wardrobe scenario?

So, I purge. There is a steady stream of clothes flying out of my closet. It feels good to clean out, to gut, to purge. It is good to get rid of old clothes and the memories attached to them, to make room for new stuff, perhaps, dare I say, a new size that is more acceptable to me?

And then I find it. A shelf full of memories. The first was one of Stephen's t-shirts. I remember holding this item close to me so many lonely days. If I closed my eyes and smelled the shirt, it almost felt like he was still here. Next I found some papers, school stuff from his younger days, pictures I had tucked away in this private space for me alone. And finally, I found his bag. It was filled with vitamins, allergy medicine, dental floss and contact solution. I'm sure he just emptied his medicine cabinet into this bag before he came home for summer. Everything was neat and organized, and labeled. So Stephen. I'm not sure why, in the 20 months or so since losing him, I have not emptied the bag, or thrown it out entirely. I've just let it sit there. I've looked at it several times, knowing I need to do something with it, but never being able to actually make the move. There is something about the bag and its contents. It reminds me of his personality. It leaves a lingering scent of his life, even after all this time, when most of the fragrance has dissipated.

And so, I sit in my closet and I cry. I look at his organized dental flosses and I cry all over again for someone who is gone too soon.

And I realize. No matter what the season change, or what the fashion magazines say about this year's hottest looks, there is one item I will always have in my closet. My lead jacket of grief. Most days, it hangs there. I look at it each morning, but choose to wear something else. But every now and again, regardless of the weather or season, I will wear it for a little while. I will put it on and allow myself to once again feel the pains of a loss so tremendous that I could never find the words to adequately describe it.

The jacket is heavy, but comfortable in a way as well. It hugs into you, and reminds you of the love you share with the person lost, and how that love still surrounds you to this day. There are always tissues in the pocket of the lead jacket. The heaviness of the garment forces you to slow down, to release some of the minutia of daily life, and just be with the sadness. In your stillness, sitting with the grief, you remember, you lament, and you heal yourself all over again.

You don't have to wear it often, but you will always return to this important piece of your wardrobe. It is important that you do. It is the only piece in your closet that will teach you something each time you wear it.

For me, I wore it for a couple of hours yesterday. I'm not sure when I will try it on again. But I know I feel different today because I did take the time yesterday to let myself feel the weight of the jacket and my continued sadness over the loss of my son. I feel lighter, for allowing the built up sadness to just get out. I feel like I can go a little further. I feel like I have once again been reminded of what matters in this life. It is okay to feel the sadness, and then move forward and live a happy life, wiser because you were brave enough to acknowledge it.

The lead jacket. Not just for spring. And a piece of your wardrobe that will always fit.

Take some time today to look in your closet. Find your own lead jacket. We all have one. Don't be afraid to try it on once and a while and see what you find out about yourself.

Have a spring is sprung kind of day,

Kelly

The Dangerous Game of Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

2011-03-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” ~Fulton Oursler~

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell~

It's a two quote kind of day.

Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda.

If I can be completely honest, those three fabricated words drive me nuts. Those three words are actually what is wrong with the world these days. We keep looking back hoping to fix what's in front of us. Shortly after Stephen died, a person said those words to me. This person said, "I know you must be playing the woulda, coulda, shoulda game right now."

Yes, it is true, someone actually said that.

My reply? "No, actually I am not. Even though I wish things could be different, I would not change the way I loved my son, nor would I expect him to have loved me any differently than he so beautifully did. If something happened to someone you love tomorrow, I hope you could say the same thing."

Was I a perfect parent? No. Was he a perfect child? I think so, but I suppose I may be slightly biased. But woulda, coulda, shoulda? Really? I was absolutely stunned that someone would say this to a mother who was grieving the recent loss of her child. Speechless, and let's face it. That does not happen to me very often.

This statement, early in my grief, shocked me. I just didn't see it coming. The person did not see the error in saying it. It was almost as if it was a given for her, a natural process in her own life to look back over her shoulder and "play the game", revisiting your actions and the actions of others with a focus on regret, blame and shame. Looking to the past in the hopes that reflection can somehow change the reality that you are facing in the present.

But we all know you can't erase or change the past. So why do we spend so much time trying to do just that?

It never works. It can't. Looking back does one thing. It keeps you stuck. You cannot move forward as long as you are trying to affect change on the unchangeable. And how far do you plan on going back? To your most recent mistake? How about college? Hell, if we are playing the game, why not go back to that unfortunate incident in the third grade? If this game really worked, we would all spend our today's fixing our yesterdays.

Now, that is not to say that you can never look back and reflect on your life lessons in an attempt to improve yourself for the days and years ahead. That is a good thing. It is also not to say that you will never make any mistakes. No matter how great you live, you will always be imperfect by design. I am cringing right now thinking about some of my own "cringe-worthy" moments on my journey to now.

You also can't change the past for someone else. Many times, when we hurt, we look to the past, and say, "If she didn't do that to me, I could be happy."

Okay, but she did. And unless you are Marty McFly with a DeLorean and a mad scientist for a friend, you can't go back and change it. So what now?

Look back to learn. Don't look back to lament. You can only change your now.

So, today:

Wipe the slate clean.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Everyone else does.

Make peace with the fact that no relationship will ever have perfect closure. Whether it is death, divorce, break up, or firing. It will never be the perfect script you write after the fact. And that's okay. That's how you learn.

Know that you only ever have power to improve upon the present.

Distance yourself from any toxic emotional vampires who tell you that you should play the game of woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Promise yourself you are done playing that game. No more. Refocus yourself on the now. It will take work at first, but keep trying. It will happen.

Imagine what your loved one would say to you. For me, I think about that chat with Stephen. I think he tells me daily to take all the love I have for him in my heart and give it away to those who need it.

Wipe the slate clean. You deserve to be happy.

Have a clean chalkboard kind of day,

Kelly

Book Review-Doreen Virtue's The Angel Therapy Handbook

2011-03-04T06:01:00.000-08:00

The world is changing so rapidly, and many people are paralyzed with fear and anxiety about the future. The angels can guide us through these changes, and give us solid guidance that we can trust. ~Doreen Virtue~

I am pleased to review another book from Hay House, Doreen Virtue's The Angel Therapy Handbook.

Before I begin my review, let's quickly go over some housekeeping items. I received a copy of this book free of charge from Hay House, as they reviewed my blog and thought my readers might like to hear about the book. I want to make sure I am compliant with all FTC regulations, and let you know that although I received this book without charge, the review is my own personal opinion after having read the book from cover to cover.

Doreen Virtue is a world renowned spiritual clairvoyant, also holding B.A., M.A., and Ph.D. degrees in counseling psychology. Doreen is the author of numerous books on the angelic realm, and has appeared on Oprah, CNN, The View, and other television and radio programs. She is truly an expert in her field.

The book essentially provides guidance for the reader so we may connect with our own angels. It begins by explaining the "who's who" of the angelic realm, and then discusses how people can connect. Doreen explains in detail how we can all find that connection, and unblock our minds to hear and be guided by angels and our loved ones. It helps a person give angel readings, regardless of your spiritual background. It is a the manual for what she has been teaching for years.

She believes that anyone who wants to communicate with angels, and open their hearts to hear their messages, can do so.

I am not sure why I struggled so as I wrote this review. The fact is, I really enjoyed the book. I liked reading about the various angels, and learning about opening your mind to hearing your own angels. In my own life, since losing Stephen, I have written about butterflies and magic that I could not explain without some acknowledgment in the existence of something beyond our physical life. This book is one that I will not pass along. Rather, I will keep and refer to in the months and years to come. But yet, for all the positives, I still struggled.

I finally realized, in all my writing, I had kind of skirted around the issue of afterlife, of our loved ones or angels being around us. I was just vague enough so I did not have to really hang out there with my detailed beliefs. On that limb. Telling you I go to bed and pray to God and angels and all things good, that I wish nightly for Stephen to come to me in my dreams. Reading this book made me slightly uncomfortable. Not because of the content or the way in which it is presented. It was just so concrete. There was no mist of vague interpretation I could hide within. It was all there, to believe or to doubt.

In the months I've been writing since Stephen's death, the pragmatic logical business person in me had myself presenting this information in such a way that if questioned, I could perhaps answer in whatever way would please the person asking. The generic version if you will.

But here's the truth. I do believe. I believe in life after death. I believe in angels. I believe there is so much we don't understand. I believe in angels and connections from the other side. I believe in the helping hand of God. I believe. And perhaps Doreen's book validated all of my feelings.

I would recommend this book to anyone who is looking for the connection that we all wonder about. The book can be purchased at the HayHouse website, Amazon, or Barnes and Noble. If you are in Canada, you can also purchase it at Chapters.

I believe. Take some time to check out this book and learn more about the unconditional love that surrounds all of us.

Kelly

We Don't Need to Change the Law, We Need to Change Ourselves...

2011-03-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty, 1859

Here's a recent conversation with my husband:

Me: I was watching the news tonight, and I just can't believe what is happening.

Hubby: In Wisconsin?

Me: No.

Hubby: In the Middle East?

Me: No.

Hubby: Then, where?

Me: Everywhere.

All together. What is happening all at the same time.

This was our conversation last night. The speed by which the world is changing, and pulsating, and the growing pains we are all witnessing on the nightly news. Our conversation was sparked by the recent Supreme Court Ruling regarding the First Amendment Rights of protesters at military funerals. It just doesn't seem right that something so hateful should be allowed to continue. But, under the law, in a democracy, it is.

It doesn't seem right that a parent, or wife, or husband, or sister, or brother, or best friend should have to endure that additional pain as they try to say goodbye. It doesn't seem right that anyone and their dog ( if said dog can type) can post their opinion, and say terrible things about others online without having to so much as sign their name and stand by their words. It doesn't seem right what's going on in this world.

But, on the flip side, it is good that we can speak openly right? Is it good that I can read the blog of another bereaved mother and get some comfort on a night I feel lonely and sad? Is it good that we can have public discourse about our elected officials, and be heard? Is it good that I was able to grieve and share openly, with all of you?

The freedom of speech conversation is not an easy one is it. On one hand, we celebrate the nation's freedoms, we praise the revolution by the Egyptian people, propelled by social media, but on the other, we expect those that we disagree with to be silenced.

I find it so interesting that in the past month, we have watched a group of young men and woman in Egypt change their world by demanding their freedom to speak, assemble and choose who will lead them. We all watched the power of words crisscross the globe to spread their message in a grassroots way that astounded the planet; all of us holding our breath, to see if change could actually be achieved in this way. And, we stood in silent reverence when we watched the power of a peaceful protest, in a land that we have been historically conditioned to believe is violent. The ripple effect of their initial shout into the night sky that they had enough is still reverberating throughout the Middle East, and essentially the world. The citizens of the world are discovering the power of their voice.

It just seems to make so much sense when the voices heard are saying what we want to hear. But what about when the speakers are hateful? What about the people who spews lies, fear and pure hatred in God's name no less?

Our voices have power. We can comfort, we can inspire, we can make others want to act or retreat, we can encourage others to believe in themselves, or we can bully them until they believe in nothing but the images we present. We can use our voice to share our opinions, or we can use our voices to ram our opinions down the throats of anyone who will listen.

I believe a change in the law is not what we are wanting. I believe we all are longing for the days of civility, when their was a line that you just did not cross, even if you did have the right to free speech. Policing those who say what we don't want to hear does not change their message or beliefs. Although on a visceral level, I will admit, I did wish the supreme court ruling would say something like,

"We want everyone else to keep their right to speak freely in this country, except those people who use words to inflict pain on others, especially the weak. You may have as much freedom of speech as you want, you may disagree and talk through those disagreements respectfully. But you may not hurt others with your words. From now on, the United States of America will consider your voice to be as much of a weapon as a gun. Use it responsibly, we have no beef with you. Injure the innocent, and there will be consequences."

Sadly, my euphoric vision is not at all realistic. If we accept the beauty of free speech, we must also accept that not everyone sees beauty in this world and has the right to talk about it. I know it seems right to silence the few that show no respect for the last passage of a life, and the bereaved. I can not imagine what I would have done if something like that had happened as I tried to bury my own son. I do know that I probably would not have shown as much grace as those parents I have heard from on the news.

We must not look to the laws to correct what we have created, but look at each other to improve and grow. Technology has allowed us to connect in ways like our grandfathers could never have imagined. We can comfort someone from another country, read a twitter post from a young man in Cairo who is, with his people and changing his world. We can also comment on a news story anonymously, and make judgments about people without ever having to be held accountable. Certain groups can even search online and find funerals of the fallen heroes of this country, and attend ones that will garner the most attention to spread their misguided message.

There is no easy solution. But I believe we must let our own voices of love continue to speak, and we will, by virtue of our volume, silence the fear filled rhetoric that is about as far from God as you can get. The only true defense against words of hate are words of love. If we believe that if our only option is to silence anyone who opposes our view on life, we are no better than the corrupt leaders who try to suppress the voices of their people. We must be brave enough to be able to hear those who do not make sense to us. We must be brave enough to listen and to consider, and courageous enough to speak in our own voice about what we know to be the truth. And when others are hurt by those negative voices, we must use our own voices to comfort.

We do not need to change laws. We need to change ourselves. We can only ever change ourselves. We need to stand up, person to person, and demand something better, for now and for our generations to come. We need to ask for a return to civility.

To circle back, I feel truly blessed that I am married to someone who, on a regular basis, has "How can we change the world?" conversations with his wife. Today, I am thankful for the knowledge that we all have the power to affect change on the planet earth. Person to person. With love and kindness.

Kelly

Focusing on the Tulips....

2011-03-01T05:27:00.001-08:00

Oh, tiptoe from the garden

By the garden of the willow tree

And tiptoe through the tulips with me

~Tiny Tim~

It is a beautiful sunny morning here in the Carolinas, and the tulips are making their way skyward after a night of rain. Spring is here.

To celebrate, I wanted to re post a blog I wrote one year ago, titled Tulips and Steaming Dog Crap

I think it speaks not only to the coming spring, but how we balance the good and bad in our own lives. The key to our happiness is what we choose to focus on each and every day. Tulips or dog crap? Your choice.

Have a good one, and I hope you enjoy my quirky take on life,

Kelly

Your Prescription for Saturday-Slow Yourself Down and Dance...

2011-02-26T05:51:00.000-08:00

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.—Lily Tomlin

I feel rushed. Too many things happening, trying to do all of it. And what happens? Everything I do is sort of half.....you know what I mean. I know I am not alone. It seems the world is accelerating.

So, join me on this sunny Saturday, slow yourself down, even if it is just for 6 minutes and 11 seconds, and sing with me. Take some time to dig down deep and find the good stuff that is sometimes pushed to the side as we deal with the to do list.

Have a good one,

Kelly

Esquire Magazine-The Hard Luck and Beautiful Life of Liam Neeson

2011-02-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. Helen Keller

I wanted to share this beautiful article about Liam Neeson and his life since losing his wonderful wife. His honesty, and the writer's ability to capture the mood of the interview brought me to tears. As he reflected back to the emergency room, I could relate, and immediately was transported back to my own vivid pictures of memories that will haunt me for a lifetime.

No one is spared from the journey of loss and grief. And it is never a straight path. But, we can learn from each other. I am learning every day.

Take some time today to ready this wonderful piece.

The Hard Luck and Beautiful Life of Liam Neeson

Raising Accountable and Resilient Children

2011-02-17T08:26:00.001-08:00

The ancient Romans had a tradition: whenever one of their engineers constructed an arch, as the capstone was hoisted into place, the engineer assumed accountability for his work in the most profound way possible: he stood under the arch.- Michael Armstrong

I remember my father, after I screwed up royally, having a long talk with me about being an accountable human being. At the time, I kept my eyes to the floor, and prayed it would be a short chat, so I could retreat back to my adolescent angst. But it was not a short conversation. It was a long conversation, as were many with my father. Dad just seemed to take the long way around when he made a point, and I miss those deep as the ocean chats with my father. He was wise beyond his years, and he continues to teach me every day, even though he has long since passed.

One of the things that he told me that day was I needed to take responsibility for the life I was creating for myself. People could help, people could hinder, but the bottom line was your life was what YOU made it. So, if times were tough, it was you who could choose to bounce or stay down. I tried to listen, but to be honest, that lesson took a long time to stick for me. I've blamed more people and circumstances for some of my life experiences than I care to admit. It is only in the last two years that I feel I finally understand what it means to take accountability for your life, the good and bad.

Years after that conversation with my father, I was reading Jack Canfield's book Success Principles, and that long ago lesson was confirmed. The first success principle for life? Take 100% responsibility for your life. Period. No excuses. Whatever is happening is your responsibility, to either build on or change. It is up to you. Why do I bring this up? Because I feel we need to refocus our efforts on building accountable and resilient children.

Helicopter parents, it is time for you to land. It is time for us to take a long hard look at how we are raising our children and ask ourselves one important question.

Are we really helping them?

I understand that life is complex these days. But with all of our advancements in society, do you think we are doing right by our children? Don't you think some old fashioned parenting is what is missing in this world? You do the school project because she gets frustrated. You make an immediate appointment for a meeting with the teacher at the first sign of anything less than perfection to address this issue ( with the teacher, not your kid), you are all smiles and nods when signing the beginning of season information about your child's team, and in complete agreement on how the team will be worked, and how issues will be addressed. But when it is your kid who is being disciplined, what happens? Do you guide your child to an understanding of how to deal with it, and prevent issues in the future, or do you confront the coach and get all "up in his business?"

People, life is simple. Focus on the love and not the fear. Teach your kids the same. Be accountable for what you do and say. Give back and share the best parts of yourself with others. Smile. Leave the world in a better state than when you arrived.

We need to guide our children to find their own respectful voice, and learn how to deal with difficulty, accepting their part in it, and bouncing back from it wiser and stronger. In the big picture, how are we raising resilient and accountable human beings if we send the message that the rules apply to everyone else, but them?

I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But here's some tips I've found to work in raising a resilient and accountable child to be a resilient and accountable adult:

Be accountable yourself. Stand up and take responsibility. Your children are watching you and how you conduct yourself. Stop the blame and shame game and present a shining example. Show your children that with accountability for your circumstances, you can have the life of your dreams.
Don't be a helicopter parent. For God's sake, stop hovering, land the aircraft, and see what your child can do for themselves when you aren't in their airspace. Let them spread their wings a little because that is the only way they will learn to fly.
Talk to them about what they will learn and take from the hard times. Yes, I know that the gut instinct is to fix things when they go wrong for your baby. After all, you love them right? I know you want to march up to that teacher, coach, bully and make this go away. In some cases, it is necessary. In some cases, it is easier to do it yourself. But what about an alternative? What about taking the time to teach them how to navigate those situations independently? What about guiding them, and then standing back to watch them deal with difficulty successfully? Think of your child's smiling face as he or she tells you how "they took care of it" themselves.

I want you to ponder something. When we do and do and do for our children, what is our motivation? Are we trying to protect them from the difficulties happening in their lives, or are we working to prevent them from experiencing things like we endured in our own lives? Are we trying to take away the pain we felt all those years ago?

Here's the hard fact. With every experience that we shield from our children, there is a chance we are preventing them from gaining knowledge and perspective that will allow them to build resilience, to become accountable for their own happiness? By taking away the exposure to real life issues, are we not also taking away their chance to learn?

I know. I get it. You want to protect your child. But maybe we can all exhale a little and realize that we can still be supportive, protective and loving parents without raising children that feel they are the exception to the rules of the world. Maybe we can gently guide them to take responsibility for their individual successes, failures and happiness. Because one day, they will be.

We all need the chance to figure some of this stuff out on our own. It's what makes us who we are. Give our children the chance to rise to the occasion. Because when they are grown, and you are not within hovering distance, they will thank you for giving them the tools to live a successful and happy life.

Stepping away from the soapbox,

Kelly

The Ultimate Valentine....

2011-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

Love is a consistent passion to give, not a meek persistent hope to receive. The only demand of life is the privilege to love all. -- Swami Chinmayananda

What if this arrived in the mail today?

My Dearest (Insert Your Name Here),

Happy Valentine's. I have to say, I adore this day. It is all about love, hugs, kisses, and chocolate . The history books will tell you the story of the Saint, and it is a remarkable tale. But I like how this has evolved to be a day with the sole purpose of expressing love for one another. I do wish it was more universal sometimes. I don't like to see anyone get left out of the love fest. Remember Valentine's Day back in the third grade? When your Mom would make you fill out those Valentines for every single person in your class, to deliver to their decorated paper bag taped to the side of their desk? And you asked her why you had to give Billy one because he picked his nose and flicked it at you in math class and then laughed with the other boys as you struggled to get "it" out of your hair? And she told you that everyone deserved a valentine, and it did not matter how he behaved, it was all about how you shared the best part of yourself, regardless. Yeah, your mother had it figured out. She and I are on the same page. Everyone is deserving of love, even if their current behaviour does not align with what you know to be the truth.

So this year, I thought I would get into the act. I feel sometimes that no matter how hard I try, some don't notice the love I place before them every day. I create the most beautiful sunshine, or flowers. I bring you together with people who have the potential to change the course of your life, to inspire you, to comfort you. I send you messages in your dreams, or on the wings of a butterfly. But still, you sometimes don't see or feel My love. So, perhaps a more overt approach would work. I've been cutting out paper hearts for days now. And for you, I think I've crafted the right words.

On this Valentine's Day, I want you to know that you are loved. Like no other. The love is unconditional. It does not matter that you screwed up ten years ago or ten minutes ago. I still love you. It does not matter that you don't look like the airbrushed image within the pages of that magazine you read while waiting in the airport. I still love you and see perfection in you each time I look into your eyes. It does not matter if you feel like a failure, or feel like life just did not pan out like you thought it would. I still love you, and I know that life is taking you to the exact place you need to be. It does not matter if you have cursed me for years now, if you are angry with me and blame me for the struggles and pain in your life. I still love you, and understand why you might be confused or think that I imposed this suffering on you. I did not, but I am here to help you through it. It doesn't matter what other people say to you about Me, and tell you that you are not made of the right stuff to be accepted by Me. I made you, and them, in My image, and I accept every single individual part of you. Your color, your belief system, your sexual orientation, your zits, the darkest parts of you and your biggest mistakes. I accept all of it. And I love you just the same. When you look in the mirror, you see all those things that make you imperfect. I see the opposite. I see beyond the fear and the assumptions, I see the love. Even if you don't. I even accept you when you are close minded, or sometimes make others feel they will not be loved by Me because they are different from you. I still love you, just as I love them. There is room for everyone, and I see that place within your heart that knows this to be true.

I want you to know I happen to think you are perfection and one of My greatest masterpieces. And because I am the artist, I can see that you have only begun to discover just how great you are. You're just getting started. Don't let the minutia of life weigh you down, there is much more on your to do list. There are a lot of people waiting to be loved. Be happy.

You can be happy.

I want you to know that I love you more than all the leaves on all the trees, all the sand on all the beaches, every individual cell in your body and the bodies of every other person on the planet. Start with that love, and build on it. Pass it on, cultivate it in your daily actions and thoughts, and all your other concerns will take care of themselves. It's just that simple.

So, stand a little taller. Strut with confidence. Wear your heart on your sleeve, and tell the world, "I am God's valentine."

One last thing, for any good relationship to work, you need open and honest communication. So drop me a line sometime. I'm listening, honest. In the meantime, get out there and start spreading some love.

Love ya mean it,

God

A Valentine For the Broken Hearted...

2011-02-09T06:12:00.000-08:00

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. ~Author Unknown

I was reading recently about a woman who, married to her husband for fifty nine years, wondered how she would ever go on and celebrate days like Valentine's in the same way as she did in her youth. Reading her story reminded me of my father after my mother died. It also reminded me of my own thoughts about the needed cancellation of every celebratory day on the calendar following the loss of Stephen.

It got me to thinking, about how the pains of loss are directly related to the depth of the love we feel. If we did not allow ourselves to be in the vulnerable space of love, would we spare ourselves of the hurt when that love changes? How many of us have had our hearts broken? Not only by death, but by life? How many of us have looked around us and asked ourselves, "Where is the love?"

I know I have. I have had many a conversation with The Big Guy about the location of said love. Why do bad things happen? Why do those we love die, or leave, or hurt us?

And there is no easy answer, and no Super Glue that can put a broken heart back together.

But there is love. Sometimes we don't see it, or it is overpowered by negative emotions, but nonetheless, it is always there. It endures. Love is eternal, and has no beginning and no end. The love I feel for Stephen still continues to grow, even if he is no longer with me in a physical sense.

When our hearts break, when the world is bad, we often refuse to see the love, to believe that is can still be there as we hurt. This hurt/love intersection is a fork in the road of life. At the moment of great pain, we have a choice. We can choose to work through loss and pain believing in the existence of love. Or we can believe that when our hearts are breaking, love is nowhere to be found.

The choice is important. Because one produces healing and more love, and one produces bitterness.

So, I have a suggestion that has helped me, and will remind you that love starts within, and is still all around you.

This Valentine's, take some time to craft a love letter, to you and your broken heart. Real love begins with a love of self, deep within, that enables us to then give love to others.

Celebrate how strong you are, sing the praises of your unbreakable spirit. Take the time to recognize the importance of your tears, the tenacity it took to wake up and live each day, even when the pain was excruciating. Recognize the fact that you still allow love in your heart, even when it is not easy to do so. Remind yourself that even though you are not in a Cupid/Red Heart kind of mood, that does not mean that you are not surrounded by love. Acknowledge the hurt, for what it is teaching you, and the fact that it means you took the risk and loved in life. Some people don't let themselves love, for fear of what you are feeling right now. Look in the mirror and see that you are perfect, made in God's image, and worthy of love, and deserving of future happiness. Give yourself a round of applause for the fact that you are still standing.

This Valentine's day, take some time to show your appreciation....for you and that broken heart of yours.

Have a glittery red heart kind of day,

Kelly

Book Review- Marianne Williamson's A Course In Weight Loss

2011-01-31T09:28:00.000-08:00

Weight that disappears from your body but not from your soul is simply recycling outward for a while but is almost certain to return. It’s self-defeating, therefore, to struggle to drop excess weight unless you are also willing to drop the thought-forms that initially produced it and now hold it in place.”
— Marianne Williamson

Today, I will be reviewing the book, "A Course in Weight Loss-21 Spiritual Lessons For Surrendering Your Weight Forever."

Before I begin my review, let's quickly go over some housekeeping items. I received a copy of this book free of charge from Hay House, as they reviewed my blog and thought my readers might like to hear about the book. I want to make sure I am compliant with all FTC regulations, and let you know that although I received this book without charge, the review is my own personal opinion after having read the book from cover to cover.

I have to be honest, writing this review was different for me, more personal than the other reviews that I have shared with you. The earlier books resonated with me. But this one confronted me. This book asked me questions that I have been quietly working up the nerve to answer for quite some time now as I implement my own Continuous Quality Improvement program for Kelly Inc. You see, I grew up in a family where food was associated with both celebration and consolation. Like many others, food served as far more than just fuel for me; it was part of our occasions, relationships and life events. As a result, I have had a relationship with food that has been more cerebral than metabolic at certain points in my life, especially the times of flux.

As part of my personal journey to live life to the fullest, learning from the loss of Stephen, I have started to answer some of the questions I was afraid to ask before now, the questions about myself and my own relationship with food. I love cookies, but do they love me back....that kind of stuff. To be honest, some of this has been really hard to face, because it involved restructuring my entire life and how I deal with good times and bad. But I finally think things are starting to click. I remember the early days after losing Stephen; the particularly painful days, toasted coconut ice cream with chocolate fudge was one little thing I could count on. Now I know that even in the darkest of days, I have a different one little thing to count on, me.

That said, this book has been a pleasure to read as I continue to journey towards a more mindful and healthy life. The book, which is aligned with the principles found in A Course In Miracles, discusses weight loss, and how it is not only related to a daily caloric deficiency, but is also connected with where you are spiritually, emotionally and psychologically. That alone is nothing that we have not already heard from other weight loss experts. However, the presentation of the information is unique, and really explores what is required for conscious weight loss. And that is the key. One of the light bulb moments for me surrounded the discussion around the

"place within you where you have forgotten your divine perfection."

Again, why is it that we humans spend all of our time seeing what is wrong, and not what is right?

The book, with the twenty one specific spiritual lessons is a beautiful guide through shifting your perception on your relationship with food, as well as your relationship with yourself. From one of fear, to one of love. I absolutely love the focus on reconnecting mind, body and spirit. It is not a quick fix, and will require work on the part of the reader if the changes in thinking are to stick. But the outcome of a love filled fearless life seems worth it to me. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to reconnect with their life, to become mindful, not only about food, but about your relationship with all things external. But, before you buy it, make sure you are ready to be honest with yourself, and put in the work. Otherwise, it will just be another diet book collecting dust on your shelf as you wonder who shrunk your clothes in the closet.

The book can be purchased at Hay House, Amazon, or Barnes and Noble.

Today I am thankful for Marianne Williamson's A Course in Weight Loss. It is helping me with the next step in my journey to choose a happy life. And with each step, I feel Stephen smiling.

Have a good one,

Kelly

Musicians and Thinkers...Showing Us The Beauty In The World

2011-01-27T15:40:00.000-08:00

Music is well said to be the speech of angels. ~Thomas Carlyle, Essays, "The Opera"

Happy Friday!

I love Fridays. They always serve as a beacon of hope for people, letting the masses know that the weekend has arrived, and we are allowed just a short reprieve from the "real" world, the rate race. Even if that break is only to dust the furniture and do the laundry. There is something empowering about the day.

So, when I was thinking of what I am thankful for today, it should be no surprise that the day itself sits on top of the list. But there are two others things in my life that deserve mention today.

Musicians and Thinkers. When I look back over my life, and reflect on what has inspired me and given me strength, I always come back to music and quotes from the great thinkers of our time. So many times, on the darkest days of my life, I have found solace in both words and melody, and they both have served as medicine for my breaking heart. They remind me that I am not alone, as we all share the same universal pains and joys.

I have used music and words to inspire, to heal, to comfort. They have never failed me. I lost my own music the day I lost Stephen, and it has not yet returned. I listen to others now, hoping that one day, I will pick up my guitar and sing again too. But until that day comes, I will celebrate and be thankful for those who sing for me, showing each one of us that we are all connected.

Today, I am thankful for Fridays, Musicians and thinkers. Have a listen to the talented Macy Gray as you read some of my favorites quotes about music below.

Hope your day is filled with all kinds of T.G.I.F.'ness,

Kelly

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons. You will find it is to the soul what a water bath is to the body. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares that infest the day
Shall fold their tents like travellers
And as silently steal away.~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Day Is Done

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality. ~H.A. Overstreet

Alas for those that never sing,But die with all their music in them!~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. ~Victor Hugo

Music is what life sounds like. ~Eric Olson

Music is the shorthand of emotion. ~Leo Tolstoy

Poisonous Caesar Salad and a Refresher Course in Gratitude...

2011-01-24T07:56:00.000-08:00

When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep? ~George Canning

I've been so busy. Life has been moving way too fast, and I feel like I have hardly had a moment to sit with my own thoughts. Until yesterday.

You see, I had an encounter with a Caesar salad; I am not sure what I did to offend it or the cook in the kitchen at the restaurant where I ate it, but it poisoned me. While dining out with friends after my son's hockey game, I was almost killed by romaine lettuce, croutons, and dressing. Okay, this may be a little dramatic of me, but the past 48 hours has not been pleasant, not one bit.

In any case, I have had some time to think, as I waited for the next tsunami like wave of nausea to hit. And I've been thinking about gratitude. Because, it seems as my calendar became more full,my focus on gratitude was not kept on the top of my priority list. It is not to say I am not grateful, or did not express my thanks on a daily basis for the blessings in my life. But my attention to gratitude as a deliberate part of my day had fallen to the wayside a little, to make room for work projects, hockey travel, new release movies on demand, exercise etc. And, the conclusion I reached while nuzzled up to the toilet? My life is lacking because of it.

We humans. We don't make sense sometimes. We look around when the sky is falling and notice what has been around us all along and lament and cry out,

"Oh how I have loved all of this. I am so sad it is about to be squished by this falling sky. I did not say how much I appreciated it enough! But I do appreciate! I do! I do!"

But when things are ticking along, when the road is smooth, we forget and take for granted the little things that serve as the foundation of our happy lives. Instead of paying attention to them, they go unnoticed until somebody or something tries to take them away. Instead of recognizing them as the blessings of our time here on earth, we focus our attention on the length of the line as we wait for our chai tea latte, the flat tire, the negative personality we are forced to endure at a social event, or the fact that our waist circumference is not within the suggested parameters of Dr. Oz. It seems that when things are, in the big picture, going right, our human nature causes us to continue to find things that are wrong.

So, it is no wonder that when really bad things happen, we find it especially hard to find any good in our day to day lives. If we could not see it when the sky was blue, how can we be expected to find the good in the blinding rain?

It is all about training ourselves, our minds to refocus, to see life through a different lens. So, with the nausea subsiding, and my new found awareness, I am giving myself a refresher course in gratitude. I hope you will join me.

Each day this week, I will, as I have in the past, tell you about the simple things I find thanks for, as well as simple ways to find gratitude in your own life. I would also like to challenge you to do the same this week, and each day look for, and write down your one little thing.

Think about the little things that you can hold onto this week, and re shift your focus to see a life of abundance rather than lack, no matter what your circumstance. If you are so inclined, post your gratitude in the comments section of my posts. I love, love, love to hear from people, and each one of us is on an amazing journey.

Today, I am thankful for:

Dry Toast
Ginger Ale
Gravol purchased in Canada last summer. I'm not sure why this is not available in the United States, but I praised God and all things holy yesterday when I found it in the cupboard.
My husband, who takes such good care of me, but also laughs at me at the most inappropriate times.
My son's caring concern.
Fuzzy warm socks
The love of my family
Bubble baths and good books
My best friend
A nearly complete second book

And finally...

Food poisoning. It was the pause button for my life, and I needed it.

Join me this week. What's your one little thing?

Have a beautiful day,

Kelly

Grieving 101 Advice from Dr. Cara Barker

2011-01-20T10:08:00.000-08:00

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.”- Socrates -

I am missing my blog time; that time of connection, with all of you and with my inner soul. Work and life has been hectic these days, and I have been forced to act like a grown up....the things you do to pay the bills. But, as it has always been with me, my fits of adulthood are never long lasting, and I always regress back to the who I really am at heart; a twelve year old idealistic dreamer who believes in magic.

I am looking forward to sharing more soon. I have a list of things to write about, and can't wait to reconnect. In the meantime, I thought I would share the words of Dr. Cara Barker. Some good advice for those who are comforting the bereaved.

Have a good one,

Kelly

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-cara-barker/grieving-101-are-you-sure_b_810081.html

A Moment of Silence For Those Lost in Arizona...

2011-01-10T07:19:00.000-08:00

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”-Plato-

Today at eleven, as I walked on the treadmill, I observed a reverent moment of silence for the loss of precious lives in Arizona on Saturday. I slowed my pace and thought about the senseless loss of life, of promise, and of innocence.

Prior to this moment of silence and reflection, I spent some of my morning reading some of the Op-Eds in the national papers on the event. Everyone seemed to have a theory about the origin of this man's hatred, the reasoning behind this horrid act of violence.

Some made it about political rhetoric, while others made it a mental health/health care issue. It seems we all wanted to have an explanation tied up in a neat little package on a Monday morning, so we could sleep better on Monday night, convinced we had answered the unanswerable question.

The answers are not that simple.

Now, this blog has never been political. At times, I have wanted to post things political, as I do have opinions that I want to be heard. Instead, I usually talk to my best friend or mother in law, two of the smartest ladies I know. I rant and rave, and I keep the politics out of the blog.

Why? This blog is personal to me. And, you don't need to know my political affiliations to decide whether or not to read my words. You simply have to decide if you want to walk with me. Maybe you decided that you wanted to read along because you lost a child. Maybe you know me, or are forced to read this blog because you are related to me and could be quizzed at a family gathering. Or, perhaps you are like me, and want to spark a conversation on life, and how we are living it these days.

But, for whatever reason you show up, I can guarantee you that the biggest one is you focused on what we had in common. You read some of my words and you thought....she's human just like me. Cellulite and grey hair, unbalanced budget and dust bunnies under her bed. She is just like me.

I believe, like so many others, that there are two emotions in this world.

Love and fear.

You're either spreading one or the other. There is no grey area here. Not with this.

Loss presents us with an opportunity, a chance to see the reflection of our own lives through the death of another. We can, by witnessing the swift passage of another, take stock of where we are going on our own path, and readjust the GPS if necessary.

Take some time today, not figuring out who to blame, but rather reflecting on how you can help this world get to a better place, where things like this no longer happen. Ask yourself two important questions.

Do I spend my time looking at and judging people by their similarities or differences to me?

What am I spreading, love or fear?

There is a big mirror standing in front of this country on this Monday morning. I do hope we all take some time to look in it and readjust the GPS.

To the friends and families of those who died or were injured, my prayers are with you all.

Kelly

Man has Trouble with `Grief Groupies'

2011-01-07T05:38:00.000-08:00

I thought this was an interesting question posed by a recent widower. Thoughts?

Discussion : After losing wife, man has trouble with `grief groupies'

Spread Light into the Darkness...

2011-01-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. ~Chinese Proverb

Well, Happy New Year!

I am late sending along my greetings for 2011. I have to say, I just did not want the holidays to end this year. It was not because I had this wild and crazy time. In actual fact, the twelve days of Christmas were quiet and peaceful. Reflective and sometimes a little sad as I reflected on the Christmas mornings of days gone by.

But, I just did not want it to end. So, I've kept the tree up.

It is not like me. Usually, with the first sign of New Year's, everything must be put away, floors must be scoured, and the house needs to smell like Mr. Clean. Fresh start for a New Year. But this year is different.

I suppose I just want the light of Christmas to linger for a while, to boost our spirits. Perhaps I wanted to look a little longer at life through the branches of the tree, with eyes squinting, so the colors blend together to create a magnificent kaleidoscope of beauty.

I will be honest, I've made excuses for myself.

At first, I told everyone that I was too busy to take it down.

Then, I said it was to stay in place to celebrate my husband's birthday. He needed it.

Finally, grasping at any excuse I could find, I said what the heck, I will leave it in place until the 12th day of Christmas.

I just can't make any further excuses.

The tree is way past its prime. The wind from the dog lightly walking by causes needles to fly from the tree. Two sets of lights have gone out and there are dark patches within the branches. One patch is shaped like Italy, and I am looking at it right now from my office chair.

It is time...

But for today, on this feast of the Epiphany, I will drink up every last minute of the lights of Christmas. January 6th, observed in commemoration of the coming of the Magi. Catholics believe the three kings brought gifts to the newborn Jesus, following the light of the star.

Epiphany. It has two meanings. The first, is as I listed and simplistically explained above, the feast day. The second meaning?

"usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something"

And, right on cue, as I thought about the epiphany, I have one of my very own. This feast day, right at the end of the holiday season, is one last reminder for us to take with us throughout the year.

The Magi, or three wise man, followed the star. The looked to the light, and decided to put faith in the fact that the light would lead them to something wonderful.

Let us all, as we tuck away the colored lights for another 350 days or so, remember the lessons from the Magi.

Remember that if you look for the light in your life, and move towards it, you will find something wonderful. Remember even in the darkest of nights, you can look up, and see the stars and know there is something much bigger than you guiding you through your days. And remember that it is our responsibility, much like the light on my tree, to be the lights for others who cross our path on this earth.

Be the light for someone today, and the next day, and the next day, and the one after that too. Be the light that may help someone find there way out of their own dark night.

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

So, with that lesson in my pocket, I am ready to disassemble Christmas. I am ready to spread some of my own light around.

Have a 100 Watt kind of day,

Kelly

Book Review-Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention

2010-12-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

" We are already one and we imagine
we are not. And what we have to recover is our original unity. Whatever we have to be is what we are."
-Thomas Merton-

Well hello there,

Today, I wanted to share with you my review of the book,

The Power of Intention. Learning to Co-create Your World Your Way

Now, before I begin, I want to state I received a copy of this book free of charge from Hay House, as they reviewed my blog and thought my readers might like to hear about the book. I want to make sure I am compliant with all FTC regulations, and let you know that although I received this book without charge, the review is my own personal opinion after having read the book from cover to cover. Okay, thanks for letting me clear up those housekeeping items. On to the review.

I read this book some time ago. It was a joy to flip the pages and learn more about the power of intention, the force in the universe that we all have the power to call upon to move our lives forward.

But I wanted to wait before publishing this review, to wait until the end of the year, when so many of us are looking to make changes in our lives and to improve upon our circumstances. As we count down the hours to the end of one year, and the welcoming of another, we could all use a little help in understanding how we really create what we want in our lives. And the answer is not in a list of unrealistic resolutions.

And, if you are grieving a loss in your life, or trying to bounce back from tough times, discovering intention can help you understand the power that you have at your disposal to get through anything that presents itself in your life.

The answer? Real change in your life comes from within. It comes when you realize you are not alone, but connected to something much larger than yourself. Dr. Dyer describes this as source, it could also be described as God, Buddha, the universe, whatever works for you. Change in your life comes when you are inspired, letting spirit work through you, to lead you to your purposeful life.

For me, as I read the book, I began to understand what happened to me when I started to write. When I let everything else go, with my own ego, and how I thought I should be, act, live and grieve, I was able to connect with a power I never knew existed. And that power gave me strength, even in the darkest of days. It showed me, at the loneliest and saddest time of my life, that I was not alone. And, the answer to every question is, and always will be, love.

This book is a gift. Not only is the presentation beautiful, with illustrations that provoke the imagination and quotes from some of the greatest thinkers of our time. The words crafted within those pages serve as an awakening for the reader.

The book is divided into three sections:

Part One: The Essentials of Intention. Understanding the power of intention and how to connect to it in your own life.

Part Two: Guide to intention and how to apply the principles. This is the practical application, the how to make it work for you in your own life.

Part Three: Description of how Dr Dyer sees someone who is connected to the power of intention.

I have read previous works from Dr. Dyer, and I am always impressed with how he simplifies complicated concepts and writes in a way that connects with the readers. This book is not different. The most powerful three pieces of the book for me?

1. Intention is not something we do, it is a connection that we acknowledge.

2. We all have a choice to connect to the power of intention or not.

3. The seven faces of intention:

Creativity
Kindness
Love
Beauty
Expansion
Unlimited Abundance
Receptivity

Look above. It's all the good stuff right?

Now, put the three together.

We are connected to a source bigger than ourselves. If we allow ourselves to reconnect to that source, it will guide us to a better and more peaceful life filled with good stuff. It is our choice to see ourselves either connected or separate.

As I have said before, the answer is love.

I could go on and on about this, and the book is so much more than my simplistic explanation. Bottom line, it is worth the read. Let Dr. Dyer show you the power that you are already connected with, but may not be able to see in your life right now. As the year comes to a close, and you are envisioning the life you want for yourself in the future, take some time to read this book, and truly understand that there are no limits.

Two thumbs up from Kelly Sue.

The book can be purchased at the following:

Hay House: http://www.hayhouse.com/details.php?id=5110&utm_id=3313

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Power-Intention-Learning-Co-create-World/dp/1401925960/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1289416372&sr=1-3

Barnes and Noble: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Power-of-Intention/Wayne-W-Dyer/e/9781401925963/?itm=1&USRI=the+power+of+intention

Chapters Indigo ( Canada): http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Power-Intention-Gift-Edition-Learning-Wayne-Dyer/9781401925963-item.html?ikwid=the+power+of+intention&ikwsec=Books

Have a good one,

Kelly

Merry Christmas to you...

2010-12-24T09:17:00.000-08:00

"I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the word seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses." -- Taylor Caldwell

This quote sums it up very well. So, on this, the most magic day of the year, I wish you all Merry Christmas. May the reason for the season sit in all of your hearts on this eve and throughout the year. Take some time tonight to look up to the sky and count your blessings.

Here's Chris Botti and Ave Maria.....simply amazing.

Merry Christmas,

Kelly

Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep....

2010-12-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.”-Og Mandino-

White Christmas is one of my all time favorite Christmas movies. And each year, after I watch it, I am reminded why this simple song is a classic.

It can be just as easy as listening to Bing's suggestion you know. Look for your blessings today, they are all around you.

Sing along with me...

Kelly

The Best Gift You Can Put Under the Tree....

2010-12-22T05:31:00.000-08:00

"My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" - Bob Hope -

I 'm working some last minute preparations today. I'm sure I am not the only one.

So, I wanted to share with you my #1 gift suggestion to place beneath your tree this year. I, like so many of you, have learned through the trials of life, how fleeting our time can be with the people we love. And, with life moving at the speed of a text message, we can sometimes forget to slow ourselves down and really drink up the moments with the people who mean the most to us. When I think back to my fondest memories of Stephen, it is never anything to do with material things he may have given me. It is always our late night chats, where we would solve all the world's problems and some of our own as well. When I think back to my cherished recollections of my father, it is never the gifts he gave me that make my heart smile. It is the long and intimate conversations I would have with him, when he would tell me stories, and give me lessons on life from his own experiences, and tell me of his deep and unending love for my mother.

So, this year, give the people you love the best gift that can put under the tree. Your time and attention.

Write a note that explains your gift, wrap it up in a box and put it under the tree. You can do this for anyone that is important to you, but I will give you a couple of examples.

Imagine how your husband or wife or partner would feel if they opened a box and this was inside?

To my Husband/Wife/Partner:

Life moves so quickly. And sometimes, I find myself thinking about how wonderful you are, but when we talk, it is about grocery lists, utility bills, and the upcoming week's schedule. Sometimes, life just moves so darn fast, it is hard to slow down and appreciate the things that are most important in life. So, this Christmas, I decided to give you the gift of my undivided attention and time for us to nurture what we have. I want us to plan, each week, to take the time, just for each other.

Let's make a promise to slow ourselves down, turn off the Blackberry, and give ourselves the gift of time. I want to hear you, I want to really listen. I want to understand your dreams, and have you smile and know that I am your biggest cheerleader. Life is short, and the moments that we really are present with each other are the ones we will remember always. The moments we are present are the real gifts. So, this year, I give you time.

Or, how about this?

To my precious child:

I know this is a weird gift, especially when you thought this box was just the right size for a Ipod Touch. I know it seems like you picked the short straw for presents, being that it is only words, and it does not plug in, or require any assembly. But this year, I wanted to give you something that is more important than any other present beneath our tree.

My time, just for you.

I know sometimes that I am busy when I get home from work, and I am half listening as you try to tell me about what happened in Science class. I know that sometimes I am preoccupied, thinking about the laundry, or the "to do" list. This gift changes that. I want each week, to set aside some time to give you my complete and undivided attention. You can talk to me about your life or ask me about mine. We can bake cookies or launch rockets. It's up to you. But I just want to give you the gift of time so you know how important you are to me. I'm your biggest fan, and I don't tell you that enough.

Your time and attention. The best gift you can give, and it requires no financing, no money down, no monthly payments. And, you don't have to go to the mall today either.

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs from the musical Rent. What will you do with your 525,600 minutes in 2011? Make it count.

Love ya, mean it,

Kelly the Christmas Elf

Nester the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey-A Lesson for Life...

2010-12-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

"Whatever else be lost among the years, Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing: Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears, Let us hold close one day, remembering Its poignant meaning for the hearts of men. Let us get back our childlike faith again." -- Grace Noll Crowell

I've been thinking about the Christmas shows of my childhood.

Back in "my day", we did not have TV channels that aired cartoons and kid's shows 24/7, 365 days per year. Back in my day, we had a handful of television channels, and if you could convince your father that Barney Miller was a rerun, you may just get to watch that Christmas special on CBC.

Yes kids, one TV. Horrifying I know, but we made it. Oh, and did I mention?

I was the remote control until some time in 1983.

Anyway, I was like many other kids around the planet, and I waited for those special, once a year programs that were a sure sign that Santa was on the way. Of course, the old standards, like Charlie Brown's Christmas, Rudolph and Frosty were always on the menu. But for me, the one that always pulled at my heartstrings was Nester. Every year, I would check the local TV listings to make sure I did not miss it. Each year, I would cry for Nester and his hardships, even though I knew the plot of the story by heart, and knew he would be okay.

Nester was a long-eared donkey,who much like Rudolph,was ridiculed for his physical differences. Nester could not work like the other donkeys, as he kept tripping over his big ears, that were so long they dragged on the ground.

The story of Nester is an emotional one. He is ridiculed, pushed out into the cold. He loses the most important person in his life, and wonders how he will ever go on. At certain points,he feels worthless, and wonders why he should bother to even try and keep going in his life. And then he meets his cherub, who tells him she is there, on behalf of God, to guide him. As she puts it,

Your ears can do a wondrous thing no other ears can do...the sounds they hear will guide you on a path that's straight and true. And you will save another as your mother once saved you.

The good news? He believed and listened to that gentle guidance. He listened because he wanted to honor the memory of his mother. And what happened? He ended up being the very special donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem.

My point? I think we are all a little more like Nester than we might like to admit. And no, not just the ears.

We are all flawed and imperfect in some way. Each one of our lives is, in one way or another, a little broken. It is never what we envision or plan for or what we feel we deserve.

We sometimes struggle through life carrying the ball and chain of our own perceptions. We sometimes spend most of our lives seeing what is wrong about us, neglecting to notice what is right. And then, to top it all off, sometimes, really bad things happen. People we love get sick, or even die.

But, just like Nester, I believe there is guidance and love from above all around us. We simply have to be willing to hear it, and to abide by it even when it does not make sense to us, even when we are hurting. Do you know why?

Because what we can't see is that all those flaws, and disappointments and heartaches are exactly what make us into the person God needs us to be here on earth. Each one of those things that we may see as a weakness, God sees as a strength, as something we will be able to use for our own special jobs here on earth. And the job?

It does not involve a cubicle, or a time card.

I think our job here on earth is to figure out, based on all that has happened to us and shaped us, who we are best designed to love.

For me, I think I am supposed to help and comfort people who hurt, if it is only to say that you will make it, and you are never alone. I think if I can do that, I am a success.

One of the songs in this show gently guides Nester to listen to the gentle whispers from heaven,

If you hear a choir of angels, follow the sound of the angels. Follow the voices that guide you....

Today, in this season of magic and angels, I would like to ask you to do the same. Look not only at what has happened to you in your life. Look at how it uniquely prepares you to help others who may need it. Look how your gifts can be used to show others a little piece of heaven right here, right now, when they need it the most.

I'm a Nester. Are you?

I've attached the You Tube clips of the show to the bottom of this post. I know it's no Toy Story 3, but I encourage you to take the twenty minutes and watch it. I would also encourage you share it with your children. Take some time today to listen to the message within the 1977 animation, and pass it on.

Have a long-eared kind of day,

Kelly

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Communicationg at Christmas With the Bereaved

2010-12-19T09:31:00.001-08:00

A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. ~Author Unknown

Happy Sunday,

I wanted to re post a blog that I published last year, entitled Communicating During the Holidays and Grief.

http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2009/12/communicating-during-holidays-and-grief.html

If you are loving someone who has lost a special person in their life, please take the time to read my post. Know that you are needed now more than ever, even if it is just to hug someone and let them cry out the hurt.

Christmas is all about giving, a special time of year where we take the time to stop our busy lives and think about others. We make our lists, and bake our cookies, and we try and find the perfect presents.

My challenge for you is to understand that the greatest gift that we can give another is our time and love. The greatest gift we can give is to let someone know they are not alone.

This Christmas, look around your life and give people what they need the most.

Oh yeah, and you can still bake the cookies.

Kelly

Huffington Post: Grief Medication is Not the Answer...

2010-12-18T10:24:00.000-08:00

Happy Saturday all,

I wanted to pass along this excellent article written by Jeanne Dennis for The Huffington Post.

I believe we need to start having more conversations about how we handle grief and loss in this drive thru world of ours. Thank you Jeanne for your insight and wisdom.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeanne-dennis/working-through-grief_b_793899.html

As we count down the last week before Christmas, I hope this article may give some a fresh perspective on their own journey.

Kelly

Toothy Grins from Heaven.....

2010-12-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Christmas shopping. It's just not as they portray it in the commercials. Where are the happy people dancing in sequence down the aisles, with cheery Christmas music blaring in the background?

On a recent shopping excursion, I believe I may have been sucked into a vortex of negativity, stuck in a store with the most negative people on the planet. I was bumped, and growled at; I was witness to more than one parent completely melting down with their children. I was also witness to more than one child not really understanding the "reason for the season. "

I find the holiday season to be bittersweet for me. As an occasion girl, I have always loved this time of year. But, as with anyone who has lost someone important, it is also a time when you are painfully reminded that there is one less person to shop for this year. Last year, I could barely breathe in the stores. I remember standing in a quiet aisle of car cleaning supplies just about this time a year ago drying my tears with one of those expensive wash clothes for your car (don't tell Target, but I put it back on the rack) I stood there for more than twenty minutes, simply trying to inhale so the pain in my chest would subside, and I could gather the remaining items on my list.

This year, I am stronger, but I still have moments where the thought of Christmas without Stephen is still very difficult to think about. It is especially hard when I shop, and I see things I know he would like, or laugh about. So, as you can probably imagine, my emotions were getting the best of me as I pushed my cart through the aisles of this store, and watched all of these people....just taking life for granted. One Mom in particular, she yelled at her little girl, and I had to physically remove myself from her presence so I did not confront her with the ravings of a bereaved parent. Did she not know how truly blessed she was to have this little girl looking up at her, even if it was only to ask for the $49.99 doll only days before Christmas?

In any case, all the growling and bumping and bah humbugging just got the best of me. And, when I pulled into the parking lot of the final store on my shopping excursion, I just sat in the car for a moment, and had.....well, a moment. I was missing Stephen, and thinking back over the Christmases gone by...in particular, I was remembering Christmas Eve when he was a small baby, maybe eight months old. He had these two lonely teeth at the bottom, and would grin on command and proudly show them to you.

So there I was, sitting in my car, reminiscing about the magic of Stephen at Christmas. Missing him, and wishing that I could explain to my fellow shoppers about the importance of being present in the moment, of just being happy because you never know what is around the corner.

I finally mustered up the courage to brave the final store, and stepped out of my car.

Where I was abruptly met by......

A toothy grin.

It was the toothy grin of a baby girl, out for a day of shopping with her mom. She was sitting in the cart, and she lit up as soon as we made eye contact, and her smile was brighter than any Christmas bulb I've ever seen. It was as if some invisible director pointed to her and yelled "Action!"

I burst out laughing, and the mother popped her head out of the car and smiled. I told her that her little sweetheart just made my day. Her mother replied that she does that, gives out those "two tooth smiles" just when you need it the most.

Boy, was she right.

So, two things to remember. Take a nice deep cleansing breath if you are shopping today. Think about the reason for the season, be present in the beauty that is now, don't miss it. Make a point to give away some smiles, I'm telling you, it works. And if it doesn't work, at least you'll make some people nervous.

Second thing, look for those toothy grins. I believe that God brings them to us when we need them the most, to show us He is listening and comforting us. It is up to us to look for and notice them.

Take some time today to spread some of the good stuff around,

Kelly

Reflections on a Resilient Life....Remembering Elizabeth Edwards

2010-12-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

"Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good." ~Elizabeth Edwards

A person who is dear to my heart sent this quote along to me and I had to share it. Although I was never fortunate enough to meet Elizabeth Edwards in person, I have thought of her often on my grief journey. I read some of her words about the loss of her own child, and wondered if I would ever be able to find that same grace and serenity in my own life.

She was a woman who lived a life that was imperfect, and messy at times. Her life did not spare her from pain or loss. But she continued to "put together something that's good."

I get up and try to do that every day. Some days, it works, and others, I simply whisper that I will try again tomorrow. Her quote is printed and on the bulletin board in my office. I look at it daily, along with other great thinkers, for inspiration. I look to remind myself that others have found the secret to a happy life, and it is never found in perfection. It is always found in making peace with the imperfections that surround us.

May we all take a moment to read her words today, and know that the resilience that she was able to find and hold on to throughout her rich lifetime also sits within each one of us. To honor her life, and learn from it, let us all make it our job to continue to live a happy life, even when life is difficult. Let us all try, even if it is minute by minute, to put together something that is good.

Sending wishes for comfort and peace to the Edwards family,

Kelly

Fresh Coat of Paint...

2010-12-01T09:56:00.000-08:00

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

I've come to a conclusion. Life is like one big painting project. Let me explain.

I've just finished up a painting project in my house. And, as is the story for most of my life, I never really thought the whole thing through. Instead, I plunged ahead, with the vision of perfection in this little brain of mine, and just starting swinging the brush.

But, as with most home improvement endeavours, once you open that can of paint, you realize there's a ton of things you did not take the time to consider before donning your super attractive paint shirt. You know the one, it has paint samples from every paint project since the early eighties.

To give you some examples, I did not consider:

The ceiling height of our front foyer.

The confirmed fear of heights as it relates to the ceiling height of the front foyer.

That this project may only look manageable, but in four days, I will have a moment where I consider just living with a half painted wall. I will have a pretty convincing conversation with myself about how it would show individuality.

That I actually am not sure about this new color. Perhaps I should have just left well enough alone.

And finally, I did not consider that this project would confront me with the ugly truth about my housekeeping talents and serve as confirmation that I have not properly cleaned the baseboards since some time in 2007.

I'm telling you, this project was like a month of therapy. With each stroke of the brush, I examined each and every corner of my life. I thought a lot about what sort of mental space I was in the last time I painted these walls, and did wonder if I painted while blindfolded and drinking wine.

I thought a lot about change in life. And how we resist it or long for it, think about it and plan for it, run away from it or towards it.

Sometimes change in life comes in the form of a slap right up the side of your head. It comes as a wallop, knocking your current situation right out of your head.

Others, it is a gradual awakening to a new reality. It is left up to you to push the change forward.

Sometimes, you long for it. Sometimes, you don't.

But regardless of the origin, change comes. Change comes for everyone and everything. It is the nature of life.

So, I see life as a painting project. I picked my new color, jumped in, and realized I had no idea what I was doing. But, knowing that half painted wall that could not be undone, I decided to simply keep painting.

So, when life changes, whether by choice or design, just keep painting, one stroke at a time. If you do keep going, slow and steady, you may see that this fresh coat of paint on your life looks a little cleaner than the last one. You see that you are a better painter, having learned from your past mistakes and successes. You see the value of your hard work. Maybe you will learn to appreciate the new colors in your life, having a better understanding of how they got there.

The biggest thing to learn? That sometimes, life has to get really, really messy before it can be transformed into something beautiful. Sometimes, you just have to keep painting.

Today, I ask you to keep painting. It may not be beautiful yet, but it will be. It will be someday, because of your perseverance.

A Fresh coat of paint.

Grab your brushes,

Kelly

Surviving Grief by Recording Blessings

2010-12-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Jessica Milicevic for taking the time to speak with me about being a USA Book News Award Finalist and taking the time to write such a thoughtful article. She made me younger too, and that is always welcome!

Thought I would share...

Surviving grief by recording blessings

The Present...

2010-11-18T06:42:00.001-08:00

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.-- Buddha

When our lives are in flux, especially with grief, we can find ourselves stuck, not able to move from the point of pain. We look to the past as the better days to which we long to return, and we worry about how we live in a future without our precious loved one by our side in a physical sense.

It is a natural response to the pain, to stop in your tracks.

But truly, as the quote implies, the only power we can have is on our own present moment. We have the power right now to smile, or to cry. We have the power to see what's wrong with the world or what's right. We have the power to choose happiness or despair. We have the power to notice our own failings and weakness, or our strength and resilience.

It is in the present moment that you will find peace. Allow yourself.....even if it is only for one minute.

Take time today to notice where your mind is taking you. Are you living in last year, next year or today?

The present.....it is a gift. Get it?

Have a tremendous Thursday,

Kelly

Gary Ferguson-Walking Away From Grief

2010-11-16T05:41:00.000-08:00

Here is a beautiful article from The Los Angeles Times. It tells the story of Gary Ferguson, and his journey following the loss of his beloved wife.

It is personal, and raw and beautiful, and is worth passing along. Each day, I am reminded that we all have a story within us. How that story ends is up to us.

Gary quotes a poem at the end of this article from Mary Oliver. I had to share a little of it here.

To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Enjoy the article, and take a little time today to find the beauty in your life.

Walking away from grief

Lest We Forget.....

2010-11-11T04:28:00.000-08:00

With the tears a Land hath shed

Their graves should ever be green.~Thomas Bailey Aldrich

As a little girl growing up in Canada, I remember asking my Dad one morning why we wore poppies on our lapel in November. He explained that it was for Remembrance Day, to pay tribute to the men and women who lost their lives in war, serving our country.

In fact, the poppies became a symbol for the day because of the haunting poem In Flanders Fields. The flowers bloomed all over some of the worst battlefields in World War I. It has been said that the brilliant red of the flower can serve as a symbol for the blood that is spilt in war.

As our day begins, let us take time to remember the soldiers and their families of both the United States, Canada and the Commonwealth on this Remembrance/Veterans Day.

This is a day to put down your political views and your opinions. This is a day to simply bow your head and give thanks for the men and women in all branches of the military who gave us their very lives in defense of the freedoms that we take for granted everyday.

I will leave you with the haunting words by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, written in tribute to his friend Lieutenant Alexis Helmer after he witnessed his death in May of 1915. Lest We Forget...

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie,

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

Where to Kelly Sue?

2010-11-10T05:09:00.000-08:00

“The heart is the only broken instrument that works.” -T.E. Kalem-

I just couldn't put my finger on it. For months now, I have been trying to figure out my life, trying to come to some conclusions as to where I go from here. I had it all figured out, or so I thought.

I came back from a summer break with firm thoughts of where I was going to go. I had a plan. I had written the July 4th blog, marking the one year mark without Stephen. And then I moved towards this life that I had envisioned.

People emailed and called, wondering why I had stopped. I simply said it did not feel right, to keep writing. It seemed like the end of the blog for me. What I did not tell them is, as much as I wanted to make the feeling go away, it did not feel right to NOT be writing in the blog either.

So, I've slogged ahead. I've planned out and written some for my next book. I've started speaking to people, in the hopes of sharing some light in their own darkness. I've refocused on my life and my wonderful family. I have recommitted to a life of healthy living, and have religiously taken 10,000 steps a day or more since my birthday. I have cleaned parts of my house that have been neglected since early 2009, and I have decluttered my closets, sending bags of clothes to the Goodwill. I have measured my girth and counted my calories and graphed my progress towards goal. I have rewritten my values and goals, and made some new ones. I have picked happy paint colors and have started to revitalize the walls of my house.

Somehow, I thought I would be able to jump back into the daily grind ( and we call it that for a reason), and all would be okay. I did the hard work for an entire year, and now, with my lessons in my pocket, I could resume to my new normal. Always thinking about him, but living a happy life.

But slowly, the lesson started to illuminate in my life. I noticed little things at first. Emails from people that I could simply not find the words to respond to, letters that I could not read. Appointments I decided to push forward just a few more days. Words I decided to write tomorrow or the next day or the next. To be honest, I've had this blog on my to do list for three weeks now, and each morning, I push it forward a few more days.

I've been smiling on the outside and beating myself up on the inside for months now. Because in spite of all the things I've done in the past year, something doesn't feel just right. And even though my current list of tasks is admirable and things that should make me feel good about where I am, there is something that quietly sits below the surface, gnawing at me.

I'm still broken.

Not only am I still broken, but in certain ways, I know I will show signs of this fracture of my very being for the rest of my days. I keep trying to fit myself back into this life I think I should somehow be healed enough to live, only to find that it doesn't feel the same. I don't feel the same.

So, in my silence, as the days have passed, I've been trying to figure all of this out. For a full year, I embraced the brokenness of my being. I actually opened my heart to it, and tried to learn from it. Accepting it was what actually saved me. I did not fight it. But for some strange reason, I convinced myself that all of that did not apply to this next year without Stephen.

I was wrong.

Hello, my name is Kelly, and I am still broken open from the loss of my son.

And that is okay.

Because making peace with that is what gives me strength. Sharing that is what connects me to others. Learning from that is what makes me wise.

Today I am thankful that I finally wrote this blog, and am moving forward with this broken life of mine, being happy in spite of the eternal sadness that sits in my heart despite the passage of time. Today, I give thanks for my new sense of direction.

Looking forward to reconnecting,

Kelly

Living a Life of Love.....

2010-09-14T07:28:00.000-07:00

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. -Mother Teresa-

I've been thinking about some things in the news lately. And, I recently watched a documentary and I simply had to share it with you. In my dark days of grief, when I tried to comprehend that God's love was still around me, even in loss, I learned a lot about what I believe in. Grief forever changes the way you look at life. I see that as one of the gifts of the pain, for I feel my view on life and how I live it has grown since losing my child.

For me, faith is about love. I know that sounds too simple for you theology folks, but it is just what I know in my heart to be true. Love; giving it and receiving it, and knowing that our job here on earth is to pass it on. Cause let's face it, we all need some.

Anyhoo, I've been writing about life lately, sequestered in my little corner of the world, and contemplating the lessons I've learned and how I will apply them. That is, in between work, and laundry and keeping my promise to myself of getting in my 10,000 steps per day. I've been struggling a little with it all, moving into this second year without Stephen. Thinking about how I move forward and live, even when a part of my heart remains broken.

And, as I am in this deep thought, I keep looking around, and seeing many examples of things that aren't too lovable. You see, I started to watch some news again, right around 9/11, as I was walking on my treadmill to get those steps in.

And I was assaulted with things that were not at all lovable. A pastor who spread fear, and who was given a platform to do so. A war of words and discrimination about worship and faith that just simply made me sad. 9/11 came and went and I felt this emptiness. I was thinking about the families of those lost on that day, trying to remember their loved ones as they were surrounded by all of this white noise, this distraction of fear and hate. It made me sad as I looked at the pictures of those lost on that tragic day, displaying smiling faces that once wrapped Christmas presents, read fairy tales to their children at bedtime, served a city selflessly, losing their lives while trying to save others. I cried, as I watched mothers without children and children without parents.

To be honest, I kept thinking about what some of those people in the pictures would tell us if they could come back for one day and have a press conference of their own, telling us all that they now knew and understood, after being in heaven with God for nine years.

I wonder would they tell us that the only thing....the absolute only thing that helped all of us to survive the horror of the loss on 9/11 or any loss for that matter was love. What saved all of us is when we helped each other, opened our hearts, and loved one another. Regardless of our differences. Period.

I think they would tell us that we must never forget that lesson.

I wanted to find an example of that love. I found this documentary on Father Mychal Judge OFM. You may recall the now famous photo of the New York Fire Department chaplain being carried out of the rubble on 9/11. It was a heart wrenching image of the end of a life of service. But, it was only a small part of the story of this man who spent a lifetime spreading an unconditional love. His approach to spreading the word was not always aligned with the Church for which he served. But, I believe it was most definitely aligned what God wants for us all here on earth. To love each other. Hope you enjoy it..

Thinking about what you are spreading around today....and have a love filled Tuesday.

Kelly

Four truths I've learned about what happens when we grieve | Columnist Tyra Damm | Life/Travel | News for Dallas, Texas | Dallas Morning News

2010-09-10T05:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday y'all,

Great article from Tyra Damm...

Four truths I've learned about what happens when we grieve Columnist Tyra Damm Life/Travel News for Dallas, Texas Dallas Morning News

Joe Sterling's thoughts on Navigating Grief..

2010-08-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday all,

I wanted to share an article with you this morning, written by Joe Sterling, News Editor for CNN Newswire. Click on the link to view:

My Faith: Navigating the land of grief since my son's death

It was written a couple of weeks ago, but I thought it was worthy of passing along. It touched me in a way I find hard to explain. His descriptors about the changes that come and stay in one's life following the loss of a child were so accurate, and hit pretty close to home for me. As he wrote about moments where he cries without warning, I felt a huge lump in my throat, thinking about the moments that I too, am reduced to tears when a memory surfaces, for no particular reason.

I am a member of his club, one of the outsiders that truly understand the difference between what is trivial and what is important, having learned the hard way.

Today, I am thankful for Joe Sterling. His courageous and honest account of life as a bereaved parent shines as a light to the rest of us and tells us we are not alone.

Have a great one,

Kelly

Wisdom From Old Yeller

2010-08-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

Well, hello!

Long time no blog....I've been working on some things, taking some time to breathe and live and figuring out where I go from here. More to come about that a little later...but for now, I wanted to share this quote with you. It pretty much sums up my entire life and I thought you might like it too.....

That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that. It's not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it's not all like that. A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad. That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another. But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help. When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it. ~From the movie Old Yeller

The wisdom in those simple words....this point is what I've been trying to articulate for a full year. Does this mean I am simply long winded?

Hope you enjoy it....have a satisfying Saturday,

Kelly

Parades, Fire Trucks and Remembering Stephen One Year Later....

2010-07-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

I had a post all typed up and ready for today. I have, of course had this day on my mind, wondering how it would play out, and whether or not I would fall apart all over again. In some ways, it hardly seems like a day has passed, let alone an entire 365 of them. A full year since that phone call, telling me that life was forever changed.

So, in anticipation, I planned where I would be, and who would be with me; I wrote the blog for the day, in remembrance of a beautiful life taken too soon. And I planned to be as far removed from the 4th of July celebrations as I possibly could. I did not want anything to do with a hot dog, a flag, a parade or a fireworks display. It just did not seem to fit with the emotions that are attached to this day for me....the day the world changed.

But, as it's been with most of my grieving, the day is not what I expected. I often think that Stephen has brought me lessons over the last twelve months, to both teach me and guide me through the darkest days and reaffirm what is truly important. He was always so much smarter than me.

So, the well prepared, well thought out blog post does not fit anymore....and went out the window...

Yesterday, as I was driving with my husband and son down a remote road, thinking I had successfully outrun the 4th of July, I came upon a roadblock. A police car with flashing lights sat in the middle of the tiny road, waving us down and instructing us to stop. My immediate reaction was that it was something bad, an accident. It was not, far from it actually.

It was a parade.

And, at the head of the line of stopped traffic, we had front row seats. For the next hour, I watched fire trucks, and ponies, politicians and local personalities. I watched small children chase after candy as it was thrown from a truck, their parents running behind them to ensure they did not wander too close to the road. I watched families, smiling and chatting with one another, taking the time on this sunny day to do what we should all do more of every day, just love each other. It was young faces and old, waving flags and wearing funny hats, just smiling and living life as it should be. And I realized something.

That is as it should be.

I have a theory. I believe Stephen decided we needed to be at the front of the line to watch that parade. I believe he brought us to that remote road in the middle of nowhere to show us that it is still okay to smile and celebrate the 4th of July. I believe he wanted us to know that we can't outrun the day, nor should we try.

As the parade ended, the police car escorted us through the main street of the town, and we waved to the crowds as if we were the most magnificent part of the parade....and people laughed and took our picture, and thanked us for coming.

I tried to outrun the 4th, but it found me....and it turns out, that was a good thing.

It seems strange to think that he has been gone for a full year. Because honestly, he has been nestled in my heart this whole time. I feel him with me daily, guiding me, leading me towards a life full of living. I've had hundreds of deep conversations with him, reflecting on life and death. I feel him when I am parked behind a police car watching a parade, or when I am driving down a lonely road singing songs from Queen's Greatest Hits. I feel him when I stop and smell the roses, or do something that is not at all grown up, or laugh until I snort.

I feel him when I am living.

I spent the last 365 days looking for the good in the worst of situations. There were many days I could have found plenty of excuses to give up, to shut the curtains and wait to die. And some days, that seemed like a better option than to face the unbelievable pain that comes with losing a child, especially one as magnificent as Stephen.

But I didn't. I made a choice to look for the good in life, and to choose happiness. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Of all the things I have been most grateful for in this entire year, the decision to grieve with gratitude is the biggest thing by far. Because with a grateful heart, I can feel my beautiful boy all around me, every single day.

There has not been a day in the past year that he has not been a constant on my mind. With every decision, every move, every day, I think of him. I believe I will think of him like that until I die.

But until I die, I will live. And that is what this year has taught me. I can both hurt and live at the same time. In fact, I think that is truly what life is supposed to be. It is a mixture of both, a delicate recipe of two ingredients that balance each other, the good and the bad. You can' really truly appreciate the delicate flavor of the goodness in your life until the bitter taste of life's troubles has touched your tongue, reminding you of just how good your life really is.

I thought I would be writing this profound summation of events for this most sacred of days. It turns out the real lesson came in a parade.

So, go out and live today. Breathe in the summer air, eat that piece of cake, and ooh and aah about those fireworks.

And remember that life can still be wonderful, even when it hurts.

Wishing you all a magical 4th of July,

Kelly

You've Got One Week to Fit It All In....

2010-06-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
- Diane Ackerman

As with my last post, I am thinking about the time leading up to July 4th, which will mark a full 365 days that Stephen has been in heaven. It seems a little surreal as I type it, much like the surreal emotions I felt last year when my world was forever changed. I miss him. Three words that I have quietly uttered repeatedly as I cried over my keyboard, writing away the pain. I find as I approach the day, I have a range of emotions. It is difficult to describe really, to be a bystander to the passage of time.

I've written hundreds of posts, and a book since last year. Actually, a book and a half, as I am finishing up a second one right now. The words have flowed from me, and I have mentioned many times that I often wonder if it is me writing the words, or am I the virtual assistant to the universe. I'm glad that I decided to grieve this way. Looking back at some of the earlier posts, I can see it provided me with a thread to hold onto.....when I felt like I may be at the end of my rope without a knot in sight. Many days, many words sparked a reflection in me that saved me from myself, protected me from bitterness, allowed me to keep living.

But, with each passing day, my focus is shifting. I am beginning to write, not so much about death and grief, but about life and living. And, as I shift, I am finding that one cannot exist without the other, and the relationship between the two is what adds the season, the flavor in our very existence. Because the life I have now is much deeper and richer than it ever has been before. I appreciate my life, my family and my surroundings more, because of the loss in my life. I have perspective.

So, as part of that perspective, I want you to think about something.

7 days.

In a week, it will be July 4th.

What if you were in a position like Stephen was this time last year, beginning the last week of your life on earth? What if, without you knowing, the clock was ticking, your number was going to be called, the time had come? What if this was it? What if God sent you a text message and told you, gave you a heads up so you could clue up some things before he swung by to pick you up?

What would you do on your bucket list?

Who would you contact to say I love you?

Who would you call to say I'm sorry?

What foods would you eat?

What books would you read?

How would you change how you parent your children?

Would you make any changes in your relationships? With your partner? Your friends? Your siblings? Yourself?

What fears would you throw out the window?

What adventures would you fit into the seven days?

Would you focus on what you've lost or what you have?

What kind of conversation would you have with God to make sure all your affairs were in order?

Now, look at your answers. Really look at them.

You just created the Instruction Manual for your life. Go live it. Now.

Wishing you sight to see the beauty that is all around you,

Kelly

Sour Milk....

2010-06-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” -James Dean-

Yesterday morning, my son and I were chatting in the kitchen. I was packing his lunch for hockey camp, and he was pouring himself a glass of milk to wash down his peanut butter toast. We were chatting, and laughing, and then I saw him stop in his tracks.

He was looking at the milk and then quietly said,

"The milk......It expires on the same day as Stephen died."

His words caught in his throat, and made his mother stop in her tracks as well on a sunny Tuesday morning. You see, we knew July 4th was coming. We've talked about it, as a family, and with our grief counsellor. We've made a plan and we know what we will be doing on that day. But there was something about that darn milk announcing it.

Our family is only a jug of milk's lifespan away from being without Stephen for a full year. There is something about that reality that hits us both as we stare at the skim milk in the glass, almost like the white liquid is the sand of time itself.

So, we talk about it. Over milk and peanut butter. We both think Stephen would not want us to focus on the day we lost him, but rather look at all the days we had him. We know we will always think about July 4th differently, but we also know that it is our choice whether we make it a hard day or one of celebration.

Later in the day, as we are in the kitchen preparing for dinner, my husband, after hearing something on the news, exclaims he can hardly believe that it has been a year since the loss of Michael Jackson. He asks me, "Can you believe a year has passed already?"

Yes and no. Yes, I can believe it was a year because I watched the coverage with Stephen, and we both talked at length about the lack of dignity that was given to this poor man in his last hours of life. The aerial shots of the stretcher, the prying eyes of the media, the focus on a story rather than the end of a life.

Nine days later, I was the parent sitting behind the yellow tape, devastated and broken open by life. And although the coverage of my loss was in no way comparable to the media circus surrounding Michael Jackson, I had my own taste of the disregard shown to the bereaved, having to read things about Stephen and the accident that implied and judged incorrectly.

But no, I could not believe it was a year, because in many ways, I can't believe that much time has passed already. I can't believe that I am a jug of milk's lifespan away from a full year.

I guess my point is this. Last year, as I sat and watched Entertainment Tonight with Stephen, we talked about this family in Hollywood and the tragedy that they faced. We discussed it as onlookers to their pain, never once contemplating that we could ever experience anything like it.

And now, eleven months later, I'm watching the milk in the fridge, as the fat free liquid counts down the last days of the toughest but most awake year of my life.

We are not as fortunate as the milk. Look right now to the bottom of your foot. Do you see an expiration date?

No?

That's because none of us knows when it will be our time to go. Unlike the milk, the future is not as certain for us. It could come after many years of living, or it could come tomorrow as we mow the lawn.

That is why we must live each moment like it was our last.

Get out there and live today will ya?

Kelly

Memories of My Father...

2010-06-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

I am a day late with my Father's Day blog post, as we had a fun filled weekend at the State Games.
But I could not continue with the week until I took a moment to reflect on my father.

I wanted to, in the same way I did on Mother's day, reflect on my father, and how his time with me shaped and molded the way I live and parent each day.

My dad, Don. I've been thinking about him for days now, reflecting on him and who he was. In fact, I've been reflecting on the combination of my parents, and how they deserve the credit for the way I've grieved loss, being the best teachers in my life. My mother was resilient, and able to continue on, no matter what storm she faced in life. My Dad believed and proved you can do anything you put your mind to...Dad showed me that "where there's a will, there's a way."

So, in honor of my Dad, here's some memories:

He had this swagger when he walked. It was a walk with purpose. When I was older, he told me he had an accident at work, that had crushed one of his legs, and the doctors said he would never walk the same again, with one leg slightly shorter than the other. He told them he would. And he did. It was that moment I realized that the swagger was more important than I had realized.
He could whistle like no other. He had this vibrato in his tone, and he could make music with any song. I can still hear him whistling as he worked around our house, sounding like a beautiful bird.
When he was mad, he said very little. That was left to Mom. But, if you really crossed the line, he would point his right crooked index finger at you. His eyes would widen and he would point. And no words were necessary. I would want to ground myself and take away my allowance. I remember him pointing like that when he found me running around the front lawn with his Knight of Columbus 4th Degree regalia on, plumed hat and cape flowing in the wind, swinging his sword for all the neighborhood kids to see.
He loved my mother, and was so protective of her and his children. I never understood truly the depth of the love he had for her until the day I walked into their bedroom, and saw him singing to mom as she lay quietly, dying from cancer. Blue Moon....He showed me the kind of love that was possible.
He loved, as did my mother, to have the house full, music playing, and guests to entertain. They were both so good at it. He had a flare for the dramatic, and would don costumes, have theme parties, and make the moments into memories. He especially loved parades, and would have all of his grandchildren parade through the house with an instrument, to entertain the masses.
At gatherings at our house, when the guitars would break out, he would always play his tin whistle. This would be a fond memory if only he knew how to play it. He didn't. He would play along, and it sounded like an duck with a vocal injury had snuck in the house and was calling for help.
He would not accept that something could not be fixed. And most times he was right. He would tinker and work on an appliance until it sputtered its last breath. He wouldn't give up easily. One year, my mother, exasperated with the daily fixes of the washing machine, ordered one from the local store, telling the salesman it must be delivered before dad got home from work. I believe he would still say he could have fixed the old one. He did not see things as broken. He saw them as waiting to be fixed.
He was an artist but never believed it.
He always made me believe that he really did love the jug of Aqua Velva I gave to him each Christmas.
When he found out I was pregnant with Stephen, he came in to my room, and sat down on my bed and held my hand, and told me everything was going to be just fine. We would work everything out. He told me he loved me through tear filled eyes. There was no dramatics, no yelling, just love.
Every Christmas Eve, we would have our day, shopping together for last minute things, and perhaps to also give my mother time to clue up preparations at home. We would have lunch together at the same restaurant, my dad would order a cheeseburger, fries, and ice cream, and tell me this was our little secret, his cheating on his diet. Each December 24th, I long for those shopping trips and cheeseburgers.
He influenced, not only me, but Stephen. Stephen had many qualities I could not take credit for, and Dad was one of his influences. Shortly after Stephen died, I found dad's whistle in Stephen's knapsack, and I realized that he carried my Dad with him as much as I did.

Today, I am thankful for my father, who taught me that there is nothing that can break me, nothing that I can't fix, and no limits on the amount of love that can exist in your family.

Take some time today to think about dear old dad, and how he shaped the way you live.

Kelly

What's Your View Like?

2010-06-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

“The most important things in life aren't things.” -Anthony J. D'Angelo-

It's hard to believe, but June is flying by.....and before you know it is will be July 4th.

One year.

It's hard for me to believe really, that a year has passed already. In some ways, it seems like only days ago that I answered my cell phone to have the sheriff on the other end tell me that my life would never be the same. But, in other ways, it seems like the world slowed a little, so I could experience every moment, and write about it, even through my tears. Of all the things I have been most grateful for over the past eleven months, I can surely say that my decision to grieve with gratitude would be at the top of the list.

It has helped me find my way through, allowing me to see the goodness that remains, even in loss and pain. That goodness comes in many forms; people, hugs and cuddles, big brown dogs, flowers, butterflies, tears, laughs, pictures, emails, chocolate icing. If you have been following along with me, you will see that none of the things that I've been grateful for were elaborate. In fact, very few of them have been material things at all.

Something to think about in your own life....that's my lesson for today. Don't complicate things by looking for the earth shattering changes in your life so you can be grateful. Instead, look at the life you have right now, only with grateful eyes. I think you will find that life has presented you with an abundance of gifts.

Wishing you a day of awareness....that the things that really matter are not things at all.

TGIF,

Kelly

The Line in the Sand-Understanding Boundaries When Supporting a Grieving Heart

2010-06-14T04:55:00.001-07:00

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. - Henri Nouwen

Recently, I was faced with a moment in my life where another person made a decision that affected the timing of my grief. I was thinking about how to handle something that was difficult for me, a milestone in my life without Stephen. Then, without my knowledge, a well meaning person took care of it for me.

I was devastated, crushed, and felt that my control had been once again taken away from me. I had no control over when he died, and now......well, you get the picture. My control was snatched away once again, and it derailed me. I was hurt, and I felt more than a little violated, almost as if someone had marched in my house and sent all of his clothes to Good Will. It was nothing as overt as that, but emotionally, it felt that way. As the days passed, anger began to bubble up within me, like I had never experienced before. I was seething, and it was the first time I understood what the word seething really meant. I finally did let go of it, but it was only when I was looking up at the sky with tear filled eyes, asking and begging God to once again keep the bitterness away. I felt like I was falling off the edge of something so deep and so dark, that unless I grabbed hold, I would never find myself again.

Sounds pretty serious doesn't it? It felt serious. It was right around Stephen's birthday, and the emotion of the month of May combined with this smacked me like a slap shot in the playoffs. (I had to use a hockey reference)

The particulars of the situation are irrelevant. And truly, if I was to separate myself from the hurt, I can tell you that the action was taken by this person with the best of intentions. The intent was to support and love me, to protect me. I know that. The person that stepped over the line? I doubt they would even know they did something wrong.

So, it got me to thinking....what are the boundaries when it comes to supporting the bereaved? What qualifies as support and what feels like overstepping your bounds? I suppose, like everything else I contemplate in this blog, it is individual. It is not black and white, and support for one person can mean an entirely different thing for another person.

Regardless, here are a few tips based on my own experience:

1. Understand that this is not your journey. Even if you are really close to it, even if you loved the person who died as well, ultimately this is an individual journey that each person who has lost must take alone. The feelings they have are their own. That is okay. Accept it. Nothing fits into a neat little package, or matches to anything else with grief. There is no cookie cutter approach that fits for everyone. This is a journey that will heal a person, but that can only happen if they deal with the emotions in their own way and in their own time.

2. Respect the time lines that an individual sets for their journey. You may wonder and look from a distance, thinking "When are they going to take care of that? It's time to move on..." But it is only time to move on in your mind, in your life. You will never understand the timing I require for grieving Stephen. Just as I can never understand how long it may take you to grieve your mother, sister, dog or goldfish. The intensity of grief is dependent on the intensity of love; there is no calendar that times this the same way for every person. If I seem stuck in a place of grief, it could be that I am working through some of my deepest emotions.

3. Love the person through it. You may not understand why a person is not willing to move forward at a certain point in their grief. You may look at the situation and be confused as to why they are not ready to do something. You may feel compelled to step in and help, to push a little, as if to start the ball rolling with forward movement. You may feel you need to fix this situation. But, the best thing you can do is simply love the person. Love them even if you don't understand completely, love them even if it is taking them longer than you think is "normal", whatever normal even is.

4. Never....Never.....Never assume you have the right to step in and do something without first talking to the immediate family. If someone had asked me about this situation before acting, I would have politely told them that I really wanted to take care of it myself. It was personal for me, much like it was when I cleaned out Stephen's room. I needed to do it on my terms, with my decided timing.

Losing someone quickly reminds us of how fleeting life is. It can change in an instant. I've often described it as someone pulling the rug out from beneath my life. I was tapping my toe around madly trying to find solid ground, only to find out that they had removed the floor too. Groundless.

If you are comforting someone, remember the word groundless. Remember that when all else has been stripped away, sometimes the only thing I feel in control of is how I choose to grieve. Don't take that away from a person.

Today, I am thankful for the people that love me....

Kelly

Relays, Resilience and Remembrance...

2010-06-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

“Twelve hours. It can stretch out forever when you're waiting to hear the report on a biopsy. It can literally evaporate when it's the last hours spent with a dying loved one. Or, it can bring hundreds of people together in the fight against cancer through Relay for Life.”-Sheila Blankenship-

My husband and I just finished walking in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life. We joined a dear friend's team, and agreed to walk for two hours this morning, from 6-8AM. Although I was not sure about it as I pried my eyes open at 5 this morning, I can now say that it was well worth the early rise.

As we walked around the track, Brady and I talked about 100 different things. Summer, our planned adventures, our health, our companies, Brendan, Rudy and so much more. I am blessed with what we have, we communicate about the important stuff, and he is my partner. He challenges me and my thinking, and I do the same for him.

But, even with the stimulating conversation, I could not help but notice the surroundings. Tents, decorated to show the individuality of the team, expressing in some cases remembrance, and in others, the resilience of survival. As I walked past each one, I thought about how cancer had touched each person on the field, and this is one of the ways that they decided to make something good from it.

It got me to thinking. Thinking about this journey we call life.

Many of the participants in this yearly relay took something really bad, and decided to make something good. I write and write and write to find something good in something really bad.

No relay or blog can change the bad. But, it does change perspective. Focusing on something that we have power to affect change upon, even if in the big picture, it would appear that nothing is fixable.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. If I'm not, it would not be the first time...

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this. Bad stuff happens every single day. It comes in a multitude of different forms, and no one will walk through life untouched. But just like the cancer survivors circling the track this morning, we all have the power to choose what road we will take after the hurt. We can choose to live, or we can choose to let the pain define us forever more.

I am humbled on this sunny Saturday morning, thinking about the brave men and woman who live with cancer, and thankful I was able to walk alongside some of them this morning. They reminded me of the real reason I started this journey with gratitude. Because life, even when it gives you hardship, it still worth living.

Have a good one,

Kelly

The Clarity of Grief...

2010-06-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I thought I would share this article, written by Kristine Carlson, wife of Richard Carlson, author of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." Richard died suddenly in 2006.

Her words about her early days of grief are beautiful and honest. She speaks of clarity that can be found only in grief. It is worth sharing.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1283992/Sudden-death--The-great-beauty-grief-clarity.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Clarity from grief. It seems that the idea could not be true. How could one feel any clarity from death and grief? But it is the very thing that kept me going. In fact, I have been revisiting some of that clarity, rereading some of the early posts to my blog and some chapters in my book. I am reminding myself, once again, of what really matters in this life. Hint: It is the love, it is and always will be the love.

That's why you haven't heard much from me lately. I decided to let myself become still again. To listen, to rediscover that clarity, to work a little on another little thing I'm writing, to think further about how Stephen's life has changed the way I will live mine.

Hope you enjoy the article...

Kelly

The Importance of Remembering on Memorial Day...

2010-05-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

Although no sculptured marble should rise to their memory, nor engraved stone bear record of their deeds, yet will their remembrance be as lasting as the land they honored. ~Daniel Webster

Memorial Day. A day each year to honor the soldiers who have fallen during their military service. It is a day to pause, and take notice, that those faces on the evening news.....well, that was some one's child. No politics, no parties, no pro or anti war camps. This is a personal day. It is about the brave, who paid an ultimate price so the freedoms and privileges of their country could be protected. This is a day about a father and mother's baby, a child that grew up to be a soldier.

I read an article this morning in the Colorado Springs Gazette, and in honor of the fallen, you should too. It highlights three families. The emotions are raw, the words are blunt and honest. It is worthy of your time.

What to say to grieving families, and why it's important to remember families, grieving, important - Others - Colorado Springs Gazette, CO

And finally, I will leave you with an earlier post, something I wrote after visiting the war memorials in Washington with my twelve year old son.

http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2010/03/each-one-is-stephen-to-someone.html

Today, I am thankful for all of the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country. I am thankful for their families and I am thankful for this day, designed to remember them, the Americans who gave us all what we so often take for granted, freedom.

Kelly

The Rogue Wave of Grief...

2010-05-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”-Henry David Thoreau-

It's been a few days of deep reflection. Stephen's birthday was one of those "firsts" that was hard to endure. I breezed through St. Patrick's Day without a hitch, and even Easter was hip hoppity. But his birthday. This was a day designed just for him, to celebrate his life, to build on each year of success for him. It was really difficult, and that is a huge understatement. It's taken me a few days to regroup. I've been making a real conscious effort to refocus my attentions on the simple things of gratitude that are all around me. I've been making a point to do something physical every day. I've been giving myself permission to cry, and I've been sleeping when I'm tired. Keep on keeping on as the saying goes....

In my descriptions of life over the past ten months, I've written about the flow of life as if it was water. Going with the flow, flowing around the jagged rocks, and many other descriptors that I use to explain my story. This is no different.

I describe my most recent journey with grief as a rogue wave.

The rogue wave of grief.

To better explain, let me define what a rogue wave is:

An unpredictable, abnormally large wave that occurs on a seemingly random basis in the oceans.

But this is not just a large wave. This is a wave that can topple ocean liners, or wipe away a coast line. Scientists believe it may be a focusing effect, of many waves joining together, and with the right winds and currents, the focused wave can gain momentum and power.

It is a wave that no one expects, out of the natural order and rhythm of the regular waves.

I have heard grief described as waves, a continuous and rhythmic barrage of emotion that hits the bereaved as they mourn the loss of their loved one.

Most times, the intensity of the waves is closely related to timing. As times passes, the wave strength lessens , or perhaps it is you, who is stepping away from the ocean of grief, lessening in its intensity as you heal your heart.

And then, out of nowhere, the rogue wave hits. It crashes in with an fierceness you never expected. It transports you back months and months, and the pain in your chest returns again, the lead lined cells return to weigh down your body. You protest, you've worked through all of this, waves as large and painful as this one should not be crashing on your shoreline. Why is this happening right now? You thought you made it through the worst of the storm.

Here's what I know...

Rogue waves, although abnormal in size and intensity, always go back out to sea. Just like the regular waves, they are compelled by nature to retreat back into the ocean from whence they came.

Similarly, so goes the rogue waves of grief. Take comfort in that. Know that the intense grief that is washing over you at trigger points, or firsts along your journey, will ease. It is not a set back, you are not losing ground. It simply is....

If you are experiencing your own rogue wave of grief, take some time today to just love yourself. Know that this too shall pass, and it is just another part of your journey as you heal and learn how to live again. Look at the wave itself and understand why it is presenting itself in your life right now. Is it a trigger point? Is it because you have been avoiding pieces of your grief journey? Is it because life is made up of all kinds of ebbs and flows, and this is just one of them?

I wish I knew. Whatever the reason, today I am thankful for the rogue wave of grief....hitting me and reminding me that life and grief is not uniform....and that is okay. The rogue wave reminds me of how far I've come, but how intense the pain of loss can be, sitting below the surface, waiting for just the right moment. The rogue wave reminds me of those intense feelings of the early days of my grief. It reminds me that life is short, and can change in an instant, and all the important lessons of life that can only come through loss. It reminds me that when all has been stripped away from your life, you have a choice of what will remain.....love or fear.

I choose the love baby....I choose the love. Through love, I will tearfully remember my boy and create a life based on the lessons from my loss. By choosing love instead of fear, I can ride out any wave.

Take some time today to feel your life, good and bad.....after all, what are we here for anyway?

Kelly

On Your Birthday...Remembering Stephen...

2010-05-22T05:44:00.000-07:00

"If tomorrow morning the sky falls....have clouds for breakfast. If you have butterflies in your stomach....ask them into your heart. If you're afraid of the dark....remember the night rainbow". - Cooper Edens

I hope you like the quote. It is one of Stephen's favorites, posted on his Facebook page. I thought it was a good one for today...

May 22nd.

This is the day that my life changed forever 24 short years ago. This is the day that, as a young girl in a delivery room, I said good bye to his brother Matthew, and hello to a tiny little Stephen. This is the day I began to learn that parenthood is a gift, a privilege, that most of us don't realize is the biggest and most important thing we will do on this earth.

Each May 22nd every year since, we have celebrated Stephen and his plain old "awesomeness." There was always lots to celebrate. That has not changed this year, although I must admit, for this occasion girl, the celebration will be through tears. This is a tough one for me, and this entire week has be mixed with moments where I just felt as if I may fall apart. Can't lie to you.

But it is his birthday, and I want to celebrate him. I wrote this poem in the early days of July 2009, when I felt as if I may split at the seams because of the pain that sat within my broken heart. I think it captures who he was...

You just had this way…

I remember….

I remember you small and frail, lying on my chest, curled up and comfortable, accepting of me as the provider of safety for you and your little heart. You were so, so tiny, with transparent skin, and delicate and breakable fingers and toes. I remember the late night feedings, with everyone else asleep, and you, the old soul, looking into my eyes, your own eyes as dark as ebony and deep as the ocean. You barely blinked, and just looked at me and we had this wordless conversation. We talked with our eyes about missing your brother, and the future, and what I wanted for you and for myself. We talked about love in the simplest of conversations. The kind that only a mother and her baby can have in the wee hours of the morning, when the night is stepping back, making room for the dawn to step on stage. It was as if you knew, from the beginning, and could see within my soul. You knew me like no other.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember you, doing a little dance in the doorway when I would arrive home, missing me as much as I missed you. You had this dancing style that oozed unbridled happiness. I remember the cuddles at bedtime, and the story book, Ordinary Amos and the Amazing Fish. You loved that book so much and never tired of hearing about how Amos was caught by the fish instead of the other way around. You always smiled and acted surprised, even though we had read it a thousand times before. I still have that tattered book, and I read it this morning, aloud, and with the same inflection and enthusiasm I used when I would read it to you. I cried.

I remember thinking you were special, somehow different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember the quiet questions you would ask at bedtime, or in the morning when we would talk quietly, still only half awake. They were questions about the earth, and how we treat each other, and why people were mean to each other because they were different. I remember wondering how you were so wise as a child, when your mother had so much to figure out. I remember you, a little older, looking at me with hurt in your eyes, looking into my own hurt eyes, and neither of us knew how to make it better. I remember seeing the tears in your eyes and vowing I would never let you hurt like that again. I remember you bringing in your first girl to meet me. You were nervous and so was she, and you fumbled your words and laughed nervously. You kept looking at her, and batting your eyelashes, and you laughed in a way I had never heard before. Young love laughter, a mix of excitement, and hormones and anxiety.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember the look on your face as you drove across the bridge, over the Mississippi River. You were growing up; we were on our big adventure. Laughing and singing to the tunes on the radio and ready for a fresh start. We had so much fun together driving across the country. You had this way. I remember the moment you put the car in reverse, to drive off to university. I remember what you were wearing, those sneakers I never liked but you loved. I remember how excited you were, and how you had everything in order and prepared. I remember you looking up, then putting the car in park, and coming back to hug me and tell me you loved me when you saw me crumbling and falling apart when the car started to pull away.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember when you grew up, the moment where you transformed; you were no longer a boy, but a man, fantastic and caring and loving man, who would make a huge difference in this world. You were home, and we were having dinner, and having regular conversation. And I looked at you, and realized you were all grown up, and had turned out better than I ever could have hoped for. We had survived the hormone years, and the teenage angst, and the hurts of the past and the roller coaster ride of having a young mom who was learning as she went along, and you turned out just fine. More than fine. I remember looking at you, and realizing that you were quietly confident and happy, and sure of yourself and what you had to offer.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember the moment I received the call. I remember the kick in the gut pain. I remember the weird calmness as I drove through the night to get to you. It was like you were with me. Yes, you were with me, and that is why I was calm. I remember knowing that everything had changed. I remember negotiating with God, and it how surreal it was to know with certainty that I would be glad to die in your place. I remember the mix of hurt, and pain, and anger and disappointment when I knew God could not change this now. I remember talking with Him, and telling Him that you had this way about you, you were different than the rest... and pleading with him to change this....

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember you had this way. This way of being a son that I could never take credit for teaching you. You had this way of taking care of people, of loving people, of making others feel good about themselves and life. You had this way, this invincible way. I would watch you and think that nothing could touch you. I would see you and see perfection, and feel like I had contributed something good to this world.

I remember that you had this way of living…in the moment and to the fullest. It made your untimely death both unbearable and a little easier to bear all at the same time. You used it all up; you did not waste a moment. But I wonder, about what would have been, the moments that could have followed....

You just had this way, and I was so excited to see how your story was going to unfold.
I remember, and I understand now. You had this way, and that made all the difference to your life. You lived a happy and grateful life, no matter what the circumstance.

My son, my teacher……you just had this way.

Happy Birthday....to Stephen and Matthew. Initially, I had been feeling it was going to be a tough day to find gratitude. But, in reality, it was not....because....

Today I am thankful that for the first time, two brothers are celebrating their birthday together. I know it will be a special one.....

Take some time today to sing Happy Birthday to my boys...

Kelly

ABC News and The Thoughtless Headline...

2010-05-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

I always turn to the sports section first. The sports section records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failures. ~Earl Warren, quoted in Sports Illustrated, 22 July 1968

I had planned to write on a different topic this morning, but after reading an article online, I knew I had to blog about it.

The article in question?

Understanding Travoltas Replacement Child

Really ABC news? Really? You couldn't find a better headline, or should I say you decided to choose one that would grab at the attention of people like me.

The story itself talks about the recent announcement of John Travolta and Kelly Preston pregnancy. They are expecting a new baby in November.

But instead of celebrating some good in the lives of two people who deserve a little happiness, this article talks about how bereaved parents can sometimes "replace" their lost children. Questions like, "Is it too soon?" "Why are they having this child?" The title itself implies that you have an intimate understanding of the inner workings and motivators of their family. Do you?

I know you felt like you had something here, bringing in the experts and quoting their statements on bereaved parents. But did you really have to do this? Did you really have to title an article like that? If you wonder if you missed the mark on this one, read your 140 comments at the end of the article. For once, I am on the pro side of the fence for online commenting.

As a bereaved parent myself, I send congratulations to their family as they prepare to welcome a new life. I don't know them, but I do know as any mother knows, your child cannot be replaced. No matter how many years pass, no matter how many other children you bring into this world. The uniqueness of your creation, your baby can never be replaced.

Gone to walk this one off on the treadmill....

Kelly

Don't Stop Believing..

2010-05-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Wednesday y'all....

We're half way to the weekend, and life is good.

Just a short post today, but a powerful quote to print and put on your refrigerator. It was sent to me by a dear friend, and it sums up resilience better than I ever could.

"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me....No matter how heavy my heart is, Or how dark the moment may be......If I can keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true - that darkness will fade with the morning and that this will pass away, too.....Then nothing in life can defeat me." - Helen.Steiner Rice.

Helen is right you know.

Don't stop believing...grab your hairbrush and sing along.....I've attached the newer version .( because I watched an earlier version online and I think Steve Perry's 80's style pants may now be illegal in thirty states) If you want to read about a resilient person, look up lead singer Arnel Pineda and read the amazing story of how Journey discovered his talent on You Tube.

Kelly

Book Review-Louise Hay's "Experience Your Good Now"

2010-05-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

Every thought we think is creating our future. -Louise L. Hay-

Happy Tuesday.....

Today, I am writing a book review for Louise Hay's new release,

Experience your Good Now.

Learning to Use Affirmations

Before I begin my review, I want to quickly go over some housekeeping items. I received a copy of this book free of charge from Hay House, as they reviewed my blog and thought my readers might like to hear about the book. I want to make sure I am compliant with all FTC regulations, and let you know that although I received this book without charge, the review is my own personal opinion after having read the book from cover to cover.

Okay, let's talk about Experience Your Good Now..

The book is all about affirmations. What they are, the power of them, and how you can apply them to your life at this very moment.

To quote Louise, she describes an affirmation as:

a message to your subconscious mind saying, I am taking responsibility. I am aware that there is something I can do to change....consciously choosing words that will either help eliminate something or help create something new in your life.

The book is a practical guide for using affirmations in your own life, no matter what the situation. In fact, each chapter focuses on different aspects of life that you would use affirmations: for health, critical thinking, fear, addictions, forgiveness, love, aging, and prosperity to mention just some of the topics covered.

The book includes a free affirmation CD, which reinforces the teachings within the pages if the book.

I loved every page. It was simply organized, and easy to read. The CD was very helpful as well, as sometimes, putting affirmations into practice in your own life can be challenging. The hour long audio CD walks you through the powers of affirmations and how to bring them into your own life.

I think it is important to note that Louise Hay has played a big part in my decision to grieve this way, and to even share my story in my book, Gratitude in Grief. I had been listening to her audio books prior to the loss of my son, and I continue to do so as I grieve. She may never know it, but she helped me understand that I could make a conscious decision about my thoughts, and I could choose to make my life whatever I wanted, even in the loss of my child.

I know that the general public sometimes hears the word affirmations, and thinks about some new age thinking, some practice that may apply to others, but not them.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is everyone on this planet is using affirmations daily already, without this book. But, the difference? Most of us have a steady negative affirmation running through our heads day after day. We look in the mirror and see physical imperfections, we look at our finances and see what we lack. We look at loss and we see that our life is over, even though we are still breathing.

Louise, in a simplified presentation, shows us how to turn those negative affirmations around, harnessing the power of your belief system to change your life.

The book is a practical guide for anyone who is ready to end the negative self talk that they live with daily. But, as my blog discusses finding gratitude in grief, I believe there could be a special value in this book for anyone who is grieving any type of loss.

My decision to choose happiness in the face of loss has been one big old affirmation. Each day, I wake up and I confirm that goodness surrounds me, even when I miss Stephen.

Finding resilience in your life requires beliefs. Beliefs come from information that you feed your mind and soul. Do you feed your mind and soul good thoughts, or negative ones? Do you tell yourself that you will get through this, or that you will never recover?

Louise Hay has spent her lifetime helping others find joy and heal their lives. I would highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to make a change in their thoughts so you may make that change in your life.

Louise makes it simple. Feeding your mind the right stuff.

One last thing!

In celebration of the release of Louise Hay's book, Hay House is offering the chance to win a spot on their I Can Do It! at sea Caribbean Cruise, January 28 to February 4, 2011. Enter for your chance to win at :

http://www.experienceyourgoodnow.com/

You can purchase the book by visiting Hay House. Today I am thankful for Louise Hay and her new book, Exerience Your Good Now.

Wish you a positive affirmation kind of day,

Kelly

Raleigh News and Observer Weighs in on Online Comments

2010-05-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

“People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

If you've been reading along with me, you know how I feel about anonymous online comments. In earlier posts, I have expressed my concern and displeasure with the ability of the anonymous to verbally eviscerate the people in the news and their families. In the comfort of their own homes, they can, without consequence, pass judgment on any event in the news.

Earlier this spring, I travelled to Raleigh to speak to the News and Observer staff on this very topic, having experienced the hurt of comments written in response to articles published following the death of Stephen. Here's a link to my post talking about that visit.

http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2010/03/little-piece-of-heaven-on-earth.html

Following that meeting, I have periodically heard from the Mr. Drescher/News and Observer. They have grappled with this issue and tried to, as a staff, come to a solution as to how to handle the issue of negative online commenting, while still providing an open forum for people to express their opinion. I appreciate that they listened to my concerns and have taken the time out of their busy schedules to discuss the issue further.

On Saturday, John Drescher, Executive Editor wrote a column on the topic:

Toward free, civil exchange - Drescher - NewsObserver.com

After reading it a few times, I wanted to share some thoughts.

It appears that no immediate solution has been reached, no committee came back with a unanimous solution to this problem as I had hoped. But as I read this a second time, I could understand why. You see, the second time I read the article, I also took the time to read the three pages of comments.

Raleigh News and Observer readers like the ability to comment on articles, and pass their opinion. They feel they are entitled to do so as part of their rights and freedoms as a citizen of this country. Others like to read the banter back and forth, and, in some cases, that banter is truly a productive dialogue about current issues.

So, how do we protect the individuals and families that newspapers write about from unnecessary hurt and anguish? Is it right to police a system to protect everyone from just a few people, knowing that the majority of comments are thoughtful and appropriate? It's kind of like an elementary school situation, where the whole class is punished for the behaviour of a few individuals who wouldn't fess up and tell the teacher that they were responsible.

Mr. Drescher said he does not want to have a staff person full time monitoring this situation, when they could be reporting.

Well, he has a point. But, on the flip side, one could say by not monitoring, he is allowing the anonymous to represent his publication. Because on the day I read the comments about my child, that anonymous person represented his newspaper as much as he did . One of the comments on Saturday's column said that parents like me just shouldn't read the comments. No offense lady, but walk a mile in my shoes for a week or two and see how passive you would be about words written about your baby, when all you have left to protect is his memory.

I have two solutions, and they are both based on a society that encourages free speech, but it is also a culture that respects its fellow citizens.

1. Disable comments for sensitive stories, especially involving the death of an individual: Perhaps the solution lies in disabling the comment sections for those stories covering sensitive topics only, like the death of individuals. Other publications have already decided to do this, and I applaud their forward thinking. Perhaps it should become a standard practice before posting something that a staff person goes through an established set of criteria to determine if a story should have a comments section or not. Don't assume that bereaved families will not read these stories. When you lose someone, especially suddenly, you look everywhere for some explanation, even in your publications. Some may say that they have a right to comment, and they do. But it does not have to be in this forum.

2. Have readers take personal accountability: I don't think this is only the job of the newspaper to fix this problem. I believe we are all responsible to make this world into what we want it to be. Each one of us could tell a story of heartache and loss. Unfortunately, none of us are immune from pain, nor will we live forever. Tragedy comes and goes, and no family ever breezes through life without being touched by loss, it is part of the journey. So, my second solution is for each reader of the News and Observer or any other publication to speak out. Start reporting abuse and make it a point to have those comments removed. When I reported my concerns to the News and Observer, they quickly removed the abusive remarks. If enough individuals did this consistently, we could make a difference. If enough individuals made this commitment, the anonymous commenter may eventually understand that they live in a society that does not support that sort of behaviour.

I am not against online comments. On the contrary, I believe in the power of free speech. Censorship is not a solution. I believe in my right to post my blog posts daily, and express my own unique and personal opinion. I am not against anything.

I am for kindness. I am for respect and dignity for those who are hurting. I am for a culture that understands that free speech is not the same thing as hate speak. I am for a society that thinks about how their words will be received. I am for a world that realizes we all have a responsibility to make this a better place.

In Mr. Drescher's column, he presents us with two different online commenting situations. The two instances are great examples of how this new way of communicating and sharing our lives online can be a wonderful thing and a hurtful thing all at the same time.

At points in all of our lives, we will need the world to just be kind to us, if only briefly. Let's stand up and take responsibility for ensuring that happens. Let's make a change together, and not let another mother or father have to read anything negative about a child they have lost, no matter what the circumstances are surrounding their death.

If you have other suggestions, I would encourage you to let me know, pass them along to the Raleigh News and Observer, or your own local publication.

Wishing you a stand up for what's right kind of day,

Kelly

A Special Commencement Message

2010-05-15T05:24:00.000-07:00

You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world. ~Tom Brokaw

Today's post is an important one for me, because it is a special day. I would ask when you read it that you think about life and not death. I would request that if you only share one post I've ever written, share this one. Share it with the beautiful people you know who are graduating this year.

Today is graduation day for North Carolina State University. Today, many of Stephen's beautiful friends will be starting a new chapter in their lives, and will be celebrating the special milestone of college completion. And, if life had not changed, today would have been Stephen's graduation day. Who knows, maybe it still is. There's no reason why you can't have a cap and gown ceremony in heaven right?

In any case, on this very special day, I've been thinking about what Stephen would say today if he had the opportunity. I suppose in many ways that's what I've been writing about all along.

If Stephen was here today, I believe that he would tell his fellow graduates:

1. Drink up every moment: Live like there is no tomorrow. Give it everything you have, even if it seems like it may not pay off. Take chances, stop to smell the roses. Really listen to people when they are talking to you, especially the children you will eventually have. Give back, and understand that opening your heart to others is the only way to live life to the fullest. Give love freely, and don't hold back because you're afraid to be hurt.

2. Understand the True Meaning of Power: You now officially have those letters behind your name, giving you a professional designation. Congratulations. Use those letters to work professionally, but don't let them become who you are. The number of letters you have behind your name does not make you smart. The title on your office door does not make you powerful. Understand that a truly powerful person is someone who knows that you don't need to be better than anyone and sees the potential in everyone.

3. Don't Grow Up: Today is all about growing up right? The cap, the gown, transitioning into the adult world of work, of mortgages and responsibility and becoming a contributing member of society. But here's the secret. You will have to become more responsible, but you don't have to grow up. Keep your enthusiasm for life, act silly, look at life with the wonder of a child. Keep seeing the magic, because it is all around you. Your ability to see the magic is one of the biggest pieces of living a life of joy.

4. Don't Settle: There will be people and situations in your life that will present you with a choice. The choice will be to believe in the greatness of who you are, or the greatness of someone or something else. Believe in yourself. Don't settle. Don't assume that this is all there is. Because the possibilities for you are endless. Don't stop believing that all of your dreams can come true and you deserve to have them. Because they can come true, and you deserve it all.

5. Focus on the Similarities Instead of the Differences. This goes for race, religion, politics, friendships, marriages, laundry detergent, ketchup, you name it. Judging people based on how they differ from you closes your mind and heart to the possibilities of this world. Understand that the greatest strength comes from diversity. Embrace that and you will hold the strongest energy force in your hands.

6. Don't Let Anyone Else Define You. This is a big one, because it is something that can break your spirit. Don't let anyone define who you are, not because of your mistakes, or your accomplishments. Don't let yourself be defined by a moment in your life, ever. Understand that your life is based on all of it, and only God sees the whole picture of who you are, inside and out.

7. Approach your life with an attitude of gratitude and love. This is another biggee. Because sometimes, life is going to deal you a big old crate of lemons. Approach your life with gratitude and you will see abundance, even when things are not going so great.

8. Learn how to forgive. This should have been a required course to graduate. Forgiving will be one of your hardest lessons, but you must learn it if you want to have a fulfilled life. It is not easy, especially when the hurt runs deep. But you need to know how to forgive if you want to be happy.

9. Understand that life is imperfect, and that is okay. Things rarely go as planned. That is part of the journey. Don't look at your life as a mix of problems and solutions. Because some problems have no solutions. They are simply there in your life to teach you. Trying to find a solution for everything will only leave you feeling like a failure. Make peace with the perfection of imperfection.

10. Look around, into the faces of your fellow graduates. And know this: If you are still on this earth, there is a reason. You have a purpose, and your job is to discover it. Go out in this world and make a difference. Know that you have the power within each of you to do wonderful things. Believe it.

I believe that is what he would tell us today, confident in his words, speaking his truth.

So, on this glorious Saturday, we are wishing all of the graduates this year a life of possibility and dreams, wonder and excitement, love and laughter.

Kelly

Four Cornerstones for Joy, No Matter What the Circumstance

2010-05-14T04:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday everyone,

I have four quotes for the end of the week. These four sum up life for me and where I found my power when I needed it most. When I decided I wanted to grieve differently, I figured out I needed to surround myself with inspiration for four areas:

Resilience

Faith

Choice

Forgiveness

The first three make sense right? They fit in a situation like this. But forgiveness? What does that have to do with it? Let me tell you, forgiveness is a cornerstone to a happy and grateful life. As I searched for gratitude, I finally started to understand I would NEVER find it as long as I held resentment in my heart.

Now, forgiveness does not just mean closing the book on some long held grievance from someone who hurt you deeply. It means looking at your life, your complete life, and finding the areas that bubble up, like that pot on the stove when the heat helps the contents reach that boiling point. Forgiveness can mean making peace with people so you can shift your focus. But in many ways, you may find that forgiveness is more personal, forgiving yourself for your imperfections, the time when you did not live your best life, where you displayed behaviours that were less than your capabilities. Forgiveness may be given to the universe, God, or life itself. How many times have you thrown your hands up in the air in frustration for the hard knocks that life deals you in comparison to everyone else?

Why is forgiveness so important? Because you can't truly embrace a grateful life if you are holding onto grievances, even if those issues are only with how you feel about yourself.

I am not perfect at this. I work at it everyday, and even with my work, my pot occasionally bubbles on the stove, spilling onto the counter, making a mess. But now, I reset my emotions and keep trying.

At last, I recognize that happiness will always elude a life that refuses to forgive.

Here's the four cornerstone quotes:

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.
-Helen Keller-

Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there. ~Author Unknown

The excursion is the same when you go looking for your sorrow as when you go looking for your joy.- Eudora Welty-

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.

-Mark Twain-

Look around today. Now think about resilience, faith, choice and forgiveness.

How's the foundation looking on your happy life?

Have a great weekend,

Kelly

What's Your Vantage Point?

2010-05-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

Happy Thursday....

Here's today's one liner...

"Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be seen from the top of the mountain. So are many things learned in adversity, which the prosperous man dreams not of." -Anonymous-

I read this quote many times in the early days of my grief, encouraging myself to keep my heart open to the lessons that only pain can teach you. My decision to do so is one of the things I give thanks for every day.

Look at your own vantage point today, and ask yourself what you can learn from this, no matter if it is good or bad. Open your heart and understand that you always have a choice to take wisdom and knowledge from any situation instead of bitterness.

Wishing you a day full of seeing the possibilities,

Kelly

Carving Out a Resilient Life

2010-05-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

"I think I can, I think I can. . . . " -The Little Engine That Could-

Okay, so it is only Wednesday of the week of one liners, and I am already struggling with keeping this short and to the point. I never realized I was so long winded!

Seriously, the reason for my struggle this morning was finding just the right quote for the day, knowing of so many that have helped me, and inspired me over the past ten months. Picking just one is difficult.

So, I decided to share a few today, with the theme being resilience. Resilience is something I think about daily. The ability to bounce back from life adversity, the ability to be able to continue on, and find happiness, even when surrounded by sorrow.

I've searched for the secret to resilience, not only since Stephen died, but truly for the better part of my life. And although I don't have it all figured out, I know this for sure. A resilient life can only be found if you are looking for it. Resilient people are not born that way. They are carved out of sorrow and pain and hurt.

Here's some good ones for today...

“Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings.” -Victor Hugo-

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. -Ralph Waldo Emerson-

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. –Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-

Think about your own life and struggles. What defines you, the struggle and loss, or your response to it? Use quotes, books, any inspiration you can find, and ask yourself....how can I carve out my own resilient life?

Wishing you a whitewater rafting Wednesday,

Kelly

Many Thanks to The Charlotte Observer

2010-05-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to the Charlotte Observer for taking the time to write about my family and my book.

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2010/05/12/v-print/1422116/woman-writes-in-journal-to-ease.html

Going With the Flow or Swimming Against the Current

2010-05-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

From early on in my grief journey, I described my decision to grieve with gratitude as a decision to not swim against the current of my life. As I looked at my life with an open and broken heart, I realized I could not swim back upstream to change my circumstances, no matter how much I wished I could. So, I did not resist, and went with the flow of my life, and used gratitude to keep me in the present moment.

I can honestly say I'm not sure who whispered in my ear and helped me find this path, but it saved me. I found this quote one morning in July and I think it sums it up. Tuesday's one liner is:

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them -- that only creates sorrow. . . Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.-- Lao-tzu

Are you going with the flow of your life or swimming against the current?

Have a good one,

Kelly

Week of One Liners...

2010-05-10T04:03:00.000-07:00

It is a good thing for an educated man to read books of quotations.
-- Winston Churchill, Unknown , 1874-1965

I've been thinking a lot about some of the biggest things that helped me get through the last ten months. As I've said before, in most cases it was the simplistic and mundane. There was no sweeping and magnificent solution that breezed in to save the day and "cure" my grief. It was the little things.

One of the things that had the most impact was my search for daily quotes. Each morning, before I wrote about gratitude, I would look for one, a theme of sorts for my day, a snippet of wisdom for me to hold onto as the hours moved forward. It seems like a silly daily practice when I type it like that, but it gave me more comfort than you will ever know. If all else fails, hang with the smart people right? So, I looked to those who came before me, and I found flickers of hope to light my way. In the early days in particular, those quotations helped me survive, as I was truly living a minute by minute existence.

In honor of those great thinkers, I will be sharing some of my favorite one liners that helped me on my grief journey. I hope that they spark something in you just as they did with me.

I would love it if you would share with me and post your own special quotes as well.

Here's Monday's quote:

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.” -Victor Frankl-

Wishing you a week full of magic,

Kelly

The Only Gift I Need on Mother's Day...

2010-05-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

It is early, and it is my favorite time to write. Sunday mornings I love to sneak away and write a few lines before the day begins, and Mother's Day is no different.

And, on this Sunday, I have lots to say. As a result of my "stare at the ceiling" thoughts this morning, I have lots to say about my first Mother's Day without Stephen.

I have mentioned before that May is a little tough for me, for a variety of reasons. So, as this day was fast approaching, I fell into the trap of focusing on a Mother's Day without him. I remembered my first Mother's Day, and how young and inadequate I felt as a parent; I did not believe I deserved the accolades that were reserved for people as terrific as my own mother. Then I remembered a Mother's Day where Stephen as a young boy, would sprint towards his school knapsack to pull out the most amazing creation he made for me at school. It would be wrinkled, and covered with crumbs of unknown origin from sitting in the bottom of his bag. But, he would shake it off, and thrust it towards me like I was an award winner at the Oscars. And finally, I remembered last Mother's Day when he told me how much he loved me and appreciated having me as his Mom. Simple words from a man, no longer a boy. Last Mother's Day, I thought about him being a parent someday, and how good he would be.

All wonderful memories of my time with a child who was simply amazing.

So, as this Sunday approached I focused on how this would be without him, without those words from him. Because everything has changed.

And then I awoke this morning. And I realized that some things were different, but not all things, and there is much to celebrate. Let me explain:

Mother's Day is different this year, because he is not here, hugging me and talking to me. But the fact is I am his mother and he is my child. This cannot change with a change of address or with the passage between life and death.

I have a beautiful boy who is here with me celebrating and smiling and giving me hugs. He shows me that there is still much life to live and to celebrate.

I have memories that remind me of the gifts of motherhood. I remember those crumpled handmade cards in his knapsack, and his sticky hands hugging around my neck, and I realize that I am blessed to have those moments to reflect on.

And the most important thing I realized? Having both my sons here physically on Mother's Day to present me with cards and flowers and such is not really what the day is about at all. The best gift for me each and every Mother's day is the moment it allows for me to reflect on the blessings of motherhood.

The true gift on Mother's day is seeing that your children are the gifts.

This morning, I am thankful for the gifts of my children. Both so very different in many ways, and exactly alike in others, they transformed me from a girl to a woman to a mother. They show me each and every day what matters in this life is not the tangible obvious successes and glories. It is the little things in life that matter. It is the crumbled cards at the bottom of a crumb filled knapsack. It is the pictures drawn and proudly displayed on the refrigerator. It is the cuddles and the comfort. They've shown me it is worth the effort, every second, every minute, even when loving so hard hurts sometimes.....it is all worth it. They've shown me that it is indeed all about the love, it always has been and it always will. They have shown me that the passage between life and death changes none of that.

I began my day by having a silent conversation with my children, much like the quote says:

The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

If you're a mother, take some time today to have your own conversation with your heart, reflecting on the biggest gifts in your life.

Today, I am thankful for my children....Happy Mother's day to all the mothers out there. I hope you have a day filled with blessings.

Kelly

Remembering My Mother...

2010-05-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. ~Abraham Lincoln

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about Mother's day. In particular, I was thinking about two things. The first is how I feel each year as the special day approaches, as my mother died in 1991. And second, I've been thinking about how I feel as a mother this year with my son in heaven. I think I will write about the second one tomorrow.

Quietly, I stared at the ceiling this morning and thought about my Mom and it struck me. It has been 20 years since the last Mother's day I had with her. This is the tipping point, for next year, I will have spent more Mother's days with her in heaven than with her on earth. It seems hard to believe as I type that.

I can't even remember how we celebrated that last one. I have a feeling that I tried to get a good card, because in my awkward youth, I always relied on Hallmark to say what I couldn't quite articulate. She was so sick, and although I don't remember how we celebrated that year, I remember the feeling that I had as I realized she was slowly slipping away.

As the years have passed, I have quietly remembered her in my own way, but not talked about it much, because to be honest, it was easier to push the pain away than stare it in the face. I have thought of her often on my grief journey, wishing for her presence with me as I cried my tears of loss. Everyone needs their mother when they hurt.

But, as I have learned that grieving with gratitude can heal your heart, I've decided to celebrate my mom this year, in the same way I have celebrated Stephen since last July. With thanks...

Madge, this is for you....

My Mom's legacy is about the simple gifts that a mother gives her children. Because, as you know, it is the simple gifts that are truly the most important in this life. Here's what I think of when I remember my Mom:

She was the best cook, and could put flavor on a rock. She made the best homemade bread, and her coconut and sweet milk cookies were the stuff of legends. Each one of her children has perfected at least one of her recipes. Each Christmas, I think of her as I make my own"Christmas soup", with Salt Beef shipped in from another country.

She was such a lady. The way she walked, and presented herself, with grace, no matter what the circumstance. She had these scarves, and this long coat, and she lived her entire life without ever wearing a pair of jeans. She taught me about dignity, and respecting others.

When she laughed, she did it with full commitment. Her head swung back, she slapped her leg and stomped her foot, and she made this lilting sound with her voice that sounded like a cross between singing and a hiccup. Her sisters laughed the same way, and I can remember being a kid on a hot summer day, sitting on my back step eating an orange Mr. Freeze and listening to all of them laugh, sitting in the lawn chairs in the sun enjoying their brief time together.

She was an expert hugger. She could hug you and shut out the rest of the world. She just made you feel that everything was going to work out, because she was squeezing the trouble right out of you. She had this intensity about her when she hugged people, almost as if she understood how fleeting life was, and if this was to be the last, she wanted to make it a good one. Her hugs...were amazing. If I could have bottled them and sent them all over the world, we would have world peace.

She taught me about unconditional love. She loved my dad and her children with an white hot intensity, and was fiercely protective of our family. She loved us, and would tell us, even when we did not deserve to hear it sometimes. Sometimes, her expressions of love were not conveyed with words, but quiet actions. The day I came to her as a teenager and told her I was pregnant with Stephen, she was getting ready to go out, and when the news was dropped in her lap, she threw her beige high heels at the refrigerator. Years later, as I think about that moment, I realize in many ways,she was saying she was loving me right then, because she didn't throw the shoes at me.

She showed me how to love my own children, and I've always thought of her as I praised and cheered my own boys, remembering the look on her face as she watched me sing in the Kiwanis Music festival.

She showed all of us the importance of family, and how nothing should ever come between the bond you have.

She nourished my faith, and showed me an example of her own daily. She taught me that true faith, true Christianity happens not only in a pew on Sunday, but every day in how you treat the people who cross your path.

She slammed the cupboard doors when things displeased her, and now, as I am a mother myself, I think about that every time I lose my cool. I slam doors by the way.

She, more than anyone else on this earth, showed me how to be resilient. My mother showed me how to bounce back, and how to steer your ship back on course when a storm threatens to throw you against the jagged coastline. She was a master navigator, although she never realized it when she was alive.

She showed me that just because life is not perfect, it doesn't mean you can't live a perfect life. My mother showed me the art of making life good and making the best of any situation.

I realized after she passed that she was the magic that made Christmas a holiday, a birthday worth celebrating, Easter eggstra special. She set the table and went the extra mile to show you it all mattered. She showed me the importance of making the extra effort, and making life special.

Today, I am thankful for my mother.

As you prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, think about your own Mom's magic. Whether she is living or in heaven with my mom, take some time to celebrate the legacy of motherhood. For me, as I look around my life, and the lives of my siblings, I see pieces of our wonderful mother that have continued to live on.....

Kelly

Avoiding Blocks to Gratitude

2010-05-05T09:18:00.001-07:00

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? -Thich Nhat Hanh-

It is late in the day for me to blog, but I really wanted to put down my thoughts on blocks to gratitude.

Early on in my grief, one of the things I noticed right away was my absolute intolerance for anything negative. People, situations, conversations, television shows. It was as if my heart was so broken open and raw, I just could not emotionally handle anything that was not focused on goodness. Looking back at that change in my perception, I am thankful for it. It was a gift, no matter how difficult the circumstances were in receiving it.

That intolerance has subsided somewhat, but it flares up like a fire would when doused with gasoline. This week, my fire has flared a little. I find myself once again, feeling a little broken, and raw, and I need to reevaluate what I've let back into my life in terms of blocks to my gratitude.

So, as I contemplate my own circle of influence, I thought I would list out some personalities to avoid if you want to live a grateful life. Note: I must confess, at some point in my own life, I think I have acted like each one of these labels on the list. Every day now, I work hard not to fall back into the old habits. Here goes, and excuse my sarcasm, it comes to me thru heredity:

1. Whiners: "It just not fair. Nothing ever works out for me, ever." Whiners loudly exclaim the injustices in the world, particularly how it affects their life. Whiners never have a glass that is half full, it is always half empty, and sometimes has a leak. They need to tell you about it, and the tone of their voice escalates as they explain, until you feel that your eardrums may burst.

2. Complainers: similar to whiners, with less drama in their delivery. Nothing is right, nor will it ever be completely right. If a complainer won the lotto, he would talk about the tax implications rather than the winnings. Complainers look for the crack in the glass, the fly in the ointment, or rip in the pants. And then? They tell you all about it.

3. Commiserators: "You broke your back? I broke my back and two ribs and set my hair on fire. Yes, you're right, it is so bad, and it probably will never get better. That's life. " Commiserators mean well, and they want to support you, but truly the only thing that ends up being supported is the continuing never ending cycle of conversation on how bad life has treated you.

4. Doomsdayers: "It is going to be soooooo bad. No reason to try and be happy, because the sky is indeed falling. I just know it." Doomsdayers have already written the whole thing off. I have met doomsdayers who simply bewilder me. If I was that convinced it was all predetermined, I would sleep a little longer, and not worry so much about the bills.

5. Emotional Vampires: I am not sure who originally coined this term, but it is brilliant. Emotional vampires are those people in your circle, who, to put it simply, suck the positive right out of you. You can't really put your finger on it, but you feel emotionally low and physically exhausted when you finish a conversation with them.

6. Cynics: You are going to meet people in this world who don't understand you. Sometimes, if you are positive, and approach the world with an open heart, others may ridicule and poke fun at you. One of my favorite quotes about cynics sums it up best:

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -H.L. Mencken-

Bottom line? If you want to live a grateful life, surround yourself with people who are grateful. Put yourself into grateful situations. Living life with gratitude is not only about your choice and desire. It takes practice, and repetition, and awareness.

If you are surrounded by people who fit the descriptions above, ask yourself. Do I feel good, grateful, and positive when I finish speaking to them?

You can't completely eliminate the negative from your life. But you can take control over what kind of people and situations you allow yourself to be part of.

And what if it is YOU that is the cynic, emotional vampire, or complainer?

It doesn't matter if you are grieving or just simply living.....choose to see that good surrounds you. If you are surrounded by people and situations that don't allow for love to enter your heart, know that you have the power to change that.

It's a work in progress. I realized I need to check in with myself from time to time, and make sure I don't fall back into old patterns of thinking, or give the negative permission to come back into my life. For me, it is a selfish reason. When I focus on the good, I feel Stephen, all around me. It is as if I can feel his magical and magnificent personality with me. I am not willing to let that feeling go away.

Whatever your reason may be....take some time and think about how you want your life to be...and let the good in.

I will leave you with the "Gratidudes." Love them...

Get ready to dance people....it's almost Friday!

Kelly

The Top Ten Tips for Living a Life of Gratitude

2010-05-04T05:19:00.000-07:00

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.-Denis Waitley-

As promised yesterday, I want to continue on my theme of gratitude for the week. I want to retrace my steps a little, and review the important realities of gratitude. Now, as I am sure you know, gratitude is universal. It is not simply for the bereaved, to assist you on your grief journey. So, without further delay, here is my top ten tips for living a grateful life, David Letterman style, without Paul Shaffer on the drums:

10. Make it a Habit: In order for you to live a life of gratitude, you have to approach your life with thankfulness, each and every day. Obvious right? But most of us don't. Most of us have an internal conversation going on in our head all day long that focuses on what we don't have. If you want to have a grateful life, you have to slowly start to change that conversation in your mind. And the best way to do that? Make your daily gratitude a habit. Commit to reflecting on and giving thanks for the blessings in your life each morning, or evening, or both. But, you need to do it consistently. And don't kid yourself, it's not easy at first. It seems kind of silly, and your cynical mind will try and talk you out of it. But keep trying. If you read the psychology theories, they will tell you it takes anything from 21 days, 66 days, 254 days to form a habit. I think it depends on the person and the level of commitment to change, so keep at it.

9. Write it Down: Writing down your gratitude is an important building block in creating your relationship with thankfulness. Taking the time to write it (or type as I do) solidifies the reality of it and it gives you a point to return to and reflect. But the most important thing about writing it down for me? It shows my progress. When I review and read my old posts or excerpts from my book, I can see how far I've come. And on the hard days, I sometimes need that reminder.

8. Look Within: We spend so much time looking outside of ourselves for happiness. We have mistakenly been convinced that happiness comes from a full bank account, a great car, tons of friends, small waistline, clear complexion, perky breasts, and the acceptance of others. But go to Bravo and check out the Real Housewives of whatever city you choose.....they have all of that, and??? The reality is, happiness can only ever come from within. Look within, and become still, and you will not only find your own unique perfection, you will also find all the glorious things about you to give thanks for.

7. Look to Nature: In the months since Stephen's death, nature has played a big part in my life. The flowers, the birds, the butterflies, the cleansing rains. Its beauty seemed to grow with my increased attention. On the difficult days when I did not think there could be any beauty on this planet without Stephen in it, I would sit outside and just look around. I always managed to find something. Nature is a big source of gratitude.

6. Avoid the Negative: forces of Whiners, Complainers, Commiserators, Doomsdayers, Emotional Vampires and Cynics. I will talk more about them tomorrow, but eliminating the things and people that drain your goodness is a very important step to finding and living a grateful life.

5. Wear Your Rose Colored Glasses: Each and every morning, sit up from your rumpled bed sheets, and reach for your strategically placed glasses on your nightstand. Wear all day. Next day, repeat. If you want to have a grateful life, this is one of the most important pieces to the puzzle. You have to see your life as abundant. You have to see the good in situations and people. Even in tremendously bad situations or people. A rose colored lens allow you to see that there is, and always has been, more good in this world than bad. One of the things that you may notice about my writing is I try to focus, for the most part, on the good stuff. For the untrained eye, you may think as you read every day that my life is built around the good stuff, trips to the beach and hockey games, butterflies and birthday cakes, and family who loves me. And, to a point, that is true. But that is because I make a choice not to write about the leak in the kitchen, the stresses of owning your own business, the fact that the bills keep coming every month, and some independently wealthy benefactor has not stepped in to alleviate the financial pressures. I don't always write about the times when I look at Stephen's pictures and can only cry and say his name...It is not that I am denying those realities in my life. I am simply wearing my rose colored glasses and seeing that even though all those stressful things exist, I can still be grateful and happy for the good stuff. Think about that, because this is an important point. It's all about what you focus your energies on....what are you paying attention to?

4. Find Something to Believe in That is Bigger Than Yourself: My faith has played an integral role in finding gratitude in my grief. Believing in a Higher Power, someone who could see the bigger picture, and was looking out to me as I grieved literally saved me. If you want to have a truly grateful and reverent life that exists both inside and outside of your own head, find something to believe in. I have always looked at this as a non denominational thing. I don't believe that one faith has it figured out and the other does not. I just believe you have to believe that you are surrounded by a love that is bigger than you could ever imagine, one that looks out for you, even when you hurt.

3. Remember it is The Little Things: Before Stephen died, I struggled with my gratitude journal. Some days, it felt repetitive, and shallow, and something not worthy of the effort. I only found the true secret of gratitude by having my life implode before my very eyes. Everything I knew and took comfort in was stripped away. And I finally understood. It was the simple things. The hugs, the emails from people, the flowers, the butterflies, the greeting cards, the pictures, the memories, the prayers, the tears, the conversations with God. It was the little things, never the big sweeping things that gave me the most comfort. This is important for gratitude and for life. Because if I had to choose tomorrow, I would choose one more hug and late night chat with my boy over any fortune, fancy car, or overflowing bank account.

2. Have an Open Heart: This is a biggee. In order to feel grateful for the gifts presented to you in your life, you have to open your heart and your mind to receive them. I was not always good at this. For me, it kind of goes back to Helen Keller's thought:

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.-Helen Keller-

There was a time in my life I was surrounded by goodness, and abundance, and I saw none of it. It was because I had a closed heart and mind, focused on who had wronged me, or how life had kicked me when I was down, or what I was afraid of. And each moment I focused on those things, was a moment of my life without gratitude. Open your heart and mind and aggressively look for the things that are good in your life and worthy of a shout out.

And, drum roll please.....

1. Choose: I could delete the preceding nine, and number one would give you enough information to successfully live a grateful life. It is simply about the choice. Choose happy versus sad. Choose resilient versus bitter. Choose forgiveness instead of anger. Choose Gratitude and abundance rather than loss and lack. I know you sometimes feel like you have a right to be bitter and angry and lash out for all that has happened in your life. I feel that way sometimes too. But the honest truth is the only person you are hurting by choosing to live your life that way is YOU. In many cases, we do have a right to be upset and angry, and we all need to let those emotions out from time to time. But how does it help you in the long term?

So, take a deep breath when you feel yourself starting to react to the natural ebbs and flows of life. And choose to find something good, no matter what the circumstances.

When I lost Stephen, and I wondered if I would ever find goodness again. There are days, I still wonder. But each day, I choose. Each day, as I write, I choose to look for the things that still remain that remind me of the joy he had for life. And, as if he is carrying them to me on angel's wings, I find them.

Gratitude is possible in any life, in any circumstance.

Wishing you a day full of thanksgiving without the turkey hangover,

Kelly

Whole Wheat Versus White....

2010-05-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

I need to be honest. I thought about putting some fluff post up today, but I reminded myself of something important. One of the things I am most grateful for in my grief journey is learning how to be me, authentic and imperfect, goofy with bad spelling, hurt and forever changed, open and true to my story.

So, I will be truthful. May is a tough one for me. I realized it would be one day in February, when the month of May suddenly jumped out at me in the calendar. In March, I felt a sense of dread when I thought about May, with all of its spring beauty, and promise for a fabulous summer. In April, I started to write about it, privately, to be published at a later date. And then, the month arrived, with no fanfare, just creeping in quietly, reminding me of the swift passage of time.

May is Stephen's birthday month. He would be 24 years old this year. May is the month he was supposed to graduate from NC State University, and begin the next chapter of his life. May is the month, that just one year earlier, he was bounding up the stairs and laughing with Brendan, laughing and living life and completing our family.

May is a trigger month for me. I knew it would be, and it's okay. I understand that all of the feelings are okay, and I feel comfortable letting them out.

So, as I work through some of my thoughts this month, I thought it might be helpful to get back to the basics, and take a look back to the beginning and really understand how I found gratitude in grief. This week's posts are dedicated to gratitude: the decision to find it, what to focus on, how to build on it, how to grieve with it, and how it can change you.

Since the release of the book, I've found that many people ask me how and why I decided to grieve this way. And, for the first few times I was asked, I tried to formulate some introspective response that would show my thought process, explain my well thought out plan. But I need to fess up. The decision for me to grieve with gratitude was made in much the same way I decide to eat whole wheat versus white bread.

There was no magic, I had no special strength, or wisdom. I simply knew I had two choices and I picked the one that was better for me. I did so because I just knew that it was a pathway to survival and learning. I believe it was a gentle whisper in my ear, from God or Stephen, guiding me through the darkness of my life. I am hoping for more of those gentle whispers as I work through the month of May.

So, join with me this week, as we look at the power of gratitude and how life can be transformed, no matter what the circumstance, when you focus your thoughts of thankfulness.

I would love to hear from you, so if you have tips or questions, drop me a line. A good discussion is a well rounded one, with all points of view.

Today, I am thankful for the power of gratitude. As I work through the tougher days and trigger points of my grief journey, I know that it will help me through, as it did in July 2009.

I will leave you with a song from The Bangles. Grab your hairbrush and sing along.

I always wanted to be a singer in a band,

Kelly

MinnPost - Chimps clearly react to offsprings' deaths; are they grieving?

2010-04-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share this interesting article on the grieving patterns of animals. The video in particular is powerful, as it illustrates the pain of the mother as she learns to live without her child.

In our own grief today, let's not forget how our animals react to loss. I know for my family, Rudy did not say much, but he grieved right along with us.

MinnPost - Chimps clearly react to offsprings' deaths; are they grieving?

The Fortune Cookie...

2010-04-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

And in today already walks tomorrow. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

We decided to have Chinese food for dinner last night. We don't often eat take out, but I did a radio interview yesterday, and it seemed like a night to celebrate.

After our bellies were full, and the leftovers put away, we decided to open our fortune cookies. It is a tradition in our house to read each person's fortune aloud, and we either laugh or groan at the printed fortune. So far, we have not been able to top a fortune I found inside my cookie last November. It said:

"Thank goodness you finally released me from that cookie."

But last night's was definitely a keeper. The words were simple:

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter."

Now, I am not one of those people that puts all my money on a horse because my horoscope told me to. I don't become worried when Mercury is in retrograde, nor do I even really know what that means. But this fortune? I believe. I feel like I have opened my heart and allowed the difficulties in my life to help me grow as a person, with wisdom and humility. I give thanks for that every day.

But, as much as I enjoyed my fortune, it got me to thinking about how we sometimes put all of our hopes and dreams in the hands of others. We trust the astrologer, the fortune writer, the trusted friend, the spouse, the children, the church, the government, the social group, the facebook friends, and the list goes on....

Not that any one of those groups or individuals are bad. In fact, the wisdom of others is a wonderful resource, when used wisely. But truly, can any of them make you happy? Can any one of those people take away your pain of loss or tell you how to cope with it? Can anyone truly understand what's being said in that complicated head of yours?

I've been guilty in the past of getting caught up in the story of a situation. I have worried about things that had minimal odds of ever happening, I listened to the evening news and bought into the fact that the sky was falling or the future was determined.

But, true peace, honest happiness and factual fortunes can only come from within, when you become still and listen to your own guidance, which I believe is a script written by you and God. How things will play out in your life depends on what you decide.

Become still....listen. You have the ability and power to write your own fortune, no need for help

from others. You can decide how you respond to the difficulties in life. At any moment, you can choose to make it a better minute, hour, day, week, month or year. With the quickness of a breath, you can decide your future, foresee the future better than any 1-800 psychic waiting to take your call.

All you have to do?

Choose to live a grateful life, seeking out the goodness, day in and day out, no matter what the circumstance.

The rest will fall into place.

TGIF baby...

Kelly

The Miracle of Gratitude....

2010-04-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” — Epictetus

The power of gratitude in in the news! Yesterday, Marty Tousley of Grief Healing was kind enough to share a link to a blog post about the power of gratitude, and how it can transform lives and have physical, emotional and interpersonal benefits. The post was written by Daniel Tomasulo, Ph.D., and is worthy of your time if you are wondering how gratitude can help you change your perception regarding your life circumstances.

Check it out:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/04/26/gratitude-grace-and-granola/

The article was terrific, and there are some links at the base that are worth exploring.

Thank you to Marty for sharing the article and for living a purposeful life helping others navigate their way through loss.

How can gratitude help you today?

Kelly

Pancakes, Teenagers and Embracing Life's Joy

2010-04-28T04:50:00.000-07:00

Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again. ~Menachem Mendel Schneerson

Today is Brendan's 13th birthday. A day worth celebrating, we began with the breakfast of champions, pancakes shaped in the number thirteen. I'm not sure why, but I am the kind of mother that begins days of celebration with theme shaped pancakes. For St. Paddy's, we have green shamrocks, I've done Christmas trees and letters, and hearts. And for each birthday, I create a pancake that is the number of my child's age on that particular day. This was one of the toughest years yet, as I needed two spatulas to flip the number three.

I'm not sure what it says about a person when they express love and occasions in pancake batter. But, I think it is good. I think it shows "you're worth the effort."

I smiled and waved as he left to catch the bus, belly full but still muttering something about how no child should have to go to school on his birthday.

And as I closed the door to begin my day, I noticed something. My heart felt light and good and joyful. And it reminded me of something worthy of sharing with you this morning.

Nine months ago, I never thought I would have joy in my heart, ever again. I was convinced that I was not destined for a life of happiness and joy. But slowly, bit by bit, the happiness is starting to come back. The dark days of grief have, for the most part, eased up, although I still have moments where I simply can't believe that this is my new reality.

I believe that happiness came back to me because I invited it in. I believe it resides in my heart because I have allowed it to do so. And when you lose someone as wonderful as Stephen, it is not always easy to do that, to let the joy back in. But, I am so glad I did.

I did it bit by bit, moment by moment. I did it by appreciating a flower in bloom, or a cuddle from my child, or a memory of Stephen. I found joy in the kindness shown to me by friends and strangers alike, the unwavering support of my family and my faith. I found joy because I looked for it. I made a choice to find it.

You can too. No matter what the circumstance, there is still good in your life, and joy that surrounds you. No matter who or where you are, no matter what your personal situation. The joy is there, and with time and a willingness to see it, you will find it.

Brendan and I had a wonderful discussion about events like birthdays, wondering if it was okay to be happy on those days, even when we felt a little sad because Stephen was not physically with us.

And we both came to the same conclusion when we asked ourselves this question,

"What Would Stephen Want?"

We believe Stephen would want us to grab onto all the joys of life with two hands. We believe he would want us to drink up happiness, and savor each breath of each day, not just the birthdays and graduations and parties. We know he would want us to choose happiness and live the life that God gave us with a "Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final" mentality.

So, we will. Today, I am thankful for number shaped pancakes, made each year with love for both of my boys. I am thankful for my beautiful boy, who awoke this morning, and was still the sweet boy from the night before, and had not transformed into a "scary teenager" as he slept. And I am thankful for the guidance that Stephen gives us everyday, quietly leading us towards a joyful life.

Take some time today to look around your own life, and notice the good stuff. Think about the person you lost, and what they would want for you and your life. I'm not a betting girl, but I believe that all of our loved ones who have passed are watching over us and wanting us to be happy.

Wishing you a birthday cake and balloon bouquet kind of day,

Kelly

Grief Versus Depression

2010-04-26T04:30:00.000-07:00

Grief is itself a medicine. ~ William Cowper

I recently made a visit to the doctor's office for a routine checkup on my thyroid levels. No worries, this blog is not getting too personal, that is as much of the details you will get on the medical side of things. But, I had an interesting conversation with the new doctor that I was seeing for the first time. It was about Grief versus Depression.

About a month after Stephen died, I had to go to the doctor for my thyroid check. I felt about 100 years old, my heart ached, I had dark circles beneath my eyes, and life was simply harder than I ever imagined possible. Even with my daily gratitude, I could not change the fact that I missed my son terribly, and was in a deep and inconsolable grief. It was my first visit to this physician, as my family doctor had recently moved.

Sitting up on the examining table, the nurse came in to check me in for the appointment, assess my vital signs and find out the reason for my visit. I was brief in my answers, wanting to get this over with and get the heck out of there. But, she noticed my blood pressure was elevated from the last recording on my chart.

"Your blood pressure is up. Is there anything going on in your life that is stressful right now?" she asked.

And, as if I was a dam on a raging river, I burst out crying, exclaiming that my son had died. I rambled some of the details of his passing through my tears, and grabbed a tissue.

And then, the visit took a turn. The nurse abruptly stood up, looking very uncomfortable with my tears, and said, "Well, I'm going to leave, because I'm not much good to you right now."

Yep, she just left me. Sitting on a paper sheet in a clinic examining room, to cry alone as I stared at a medical poster about the digestive system. Being a nurse myself, I immediately thought back to my school days regarding empathetic communication and surmised that she had missed those classes. Her discomfort was obvious.

But that was not the end of it. The doctor arrived in the room, and was visibly uncomfortable, averting her eyes away from my tear filled ones. She skirted around Stephen's death, never actually addressing it directly, or offering a simple condolence. If I had not been in so much pain, in need of some simple comfort, I think I would have started to laugh. Because I felt like I was part of the filming of the "before" video for, "How Medical Professionals Communicate With the Bereaved."

And then she said it.

"Let's talk about Paxil and Prozac."

Not once in my visit did I ever say I was feeling depressed. In fact, I did not even express anything about my grief, because she didn't ask. I was simply requesting a blood level and prescription renewal for my thyroid medication.

But, in her mind, based on what the nurse told her about me as they stood quietly outside the door, I needed to be medicated. Perhaps it was my tears, sparked by the fact that I, for one of the first times, had to say aloud that my son had died.

My reaction? I gave her my eyebrow, which said more than words ever could, and I told her I was grieving, not depressed and there was a big difference.

Now, Let's back up a little. What's the difference between grief and depression? The dictionary definitions defines them as:

Grief: Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which we have formed a bond. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. Reaction to a major life loss; deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.

Depression: a state of feeling sad : (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity.

You can see that some of the definitions and descriptors in the depression definition sound like the feelings that one experiences on their grief journey. And honestly, in some cases, people do in fact become depressed because of grief. It can happen, and it is understandable.

But I am here to tell you that there is a big difference between the two.

Grief is a natural response to loss. Grief is a journey. Grief is something that you need to do in order to heal your broken heart. Grief is not something that needs to be medicated because a physician doesn't know what to say and wants to find solutions for you. However pure the doctor's intentions were, she didn't understand an important fact. Medicating grief does not make it go away. It simply dulls it, so it can sit and wait beneath the surface to be faced at a later date.

The reason I rant about all of this? Because my new physician (sorry, could not go back to see this gal anymore) talked about my grief as one of the first things on her list after reviewing my chart. I loved her direct approach, asking me how I was doing. She said that my chart indicated I was having a delayed grief response during my last visit. I explained that was not accurate, and that on my last visit to the doctor's office, my son had only died a month before. She quickly made note of this, and apologised for the assumption. She asked about how I was coping, and listened, nodding approval at our choice to go to grief counselling, and journal. Not once did she ask me about depression. Instead, she assessed me as a professional, and understood that I was doing just fine.

Two doctors. Two different approaches.

If you are grieving, remember that it is a journey, and it is a natural response to losing someone or something you loved. Remember that there is a difference between grief and depression, and speak up if you feel like your grief is being misdiagnosed. Remember that there is no pill that can take away the pain of loss. If there was, everyone would be taking it. The only cure for the pains of loss is time, and it is individual for everyone. Of course, if you experience some of the more marked symptoms of depression listed above or online, you should always consult your family physician.

If you are a medical professional, take some time this week to evaluate your approach to the bereaved when they show up in your office. Do you talk to them, or do you write the pain away? Do you bolt for the door, or do you comfort?

Even for the trained professional, grief can be an uncomfortable reality. Think about your approach and understand that in your quest to heal, that grief is not something to be fixed, but rather it is something to be experienced.

Have a great one,

Kelly

Happy Friday...

2010-04-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

“The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun."Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)

TGIF.....the sun is shining here, and life is good. Thought you might like this video. I seek out the inspirational stuff. It reminds me of the countless individuals who went before me who made a choice to take their life's disappointments and pain and continue to live. They are my teachers.

Wishing you all the joys that Friday should bring,

Kelly

A Mother's Choice to Channel Her Grief...

2010-04-22T04:22:00.000-07:00

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach

Happy Earth Day. I had planned to write about finding gratitude in nature this morning, but once I read this story in the New York Times, I wanted to pass it along.

It is a story about Judy Avrin, and her quest to make a heartfelt documentary about bulimia following the death of her daughter Melissa from the very same eating disorder.

On my journey, I am so humbled to see so many bereaved taking their pain and channeling it into something positive that ultimately honors their lost loved one. Judy is one of those people. She made a choice to use her story to help others.

Hope you enjoy the beautiful story of courage about Judy and her family.

Get out and hug a tree today,

Kelly

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/22/fashion/22Melissa.html

Compassion: One of the Gifts of Grief

2010-04-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama

Today, I am thinking of a friend. She is experiencing the loss of someone very important to her, someone, like Stephen, is gone way too soon. My heart aches for her and her family.

I used to process these events in life differently, before losing Stephen. I would feel empathy for the person, but to be honest, I'm not sure I really thought deeply about the people who remained. I'm not sure why, I think I am a caring person, or at least that is what my momma raised me to be.

But now, it is so different. Now, for an instant, my breath catches in my throat, and I feel it. I remember back to the moment when my life changed forever, and I think about the people who are having that moment right now. My heart aches. Sometimes, I weep for them, knowing what they are enduring right now is only the beginning of the journey. Sometimes, my tears are mourning the fact that there is no shortcut or quick fix for this pain. The path they will walk is individual, but cannot be shortened or abbreviated, or alleviated.

I wrote earlier this week that one of the things I am thankful for since Stephen's death is my ability to be present. The next gift I have received is the gift of compassion.

In my nursing days, I cared for people teetering on the edge of death, and I sincerely cared for them and their well being. But I can honestly tell you, I never truly understood the meaning of compassion until I looked at life through the eyes of loss.

Webster's defines compassion as a:

"sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it."

Webster's really captured it, but the part missing for me is the depth of compassion that one can feel for others when they too experience loss and pain, but choose to open rather than close their hearts. The key for me to a compassionate heart and life is the choice not to shut down your broken heart when it breaks. Instead, when you are hurt, you realize that the broken part of your heart is actually the strongest piece. Because an open heart is a softer heart, and is able to see the similarities between us all. We all hurt from time to time, it is part of the journey.

So, today, I am thankful, so very thankful that I opened my heart when it was broken. No matter how much it hurt to get it, I have been given the gift of compassion, and it is by far one of the best presents I have ever received. Even better than Merlin.

I am reposting something I wrote a while back, called Flickers of Light, for my friend and anyone else who is just beginning their journey.

Sending big hugs for those who need it today,

Kelly

For the Birds....

2010-04-20T03:59:00.000-07:00

Use the talents you possess - for the woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except for the best. ~Henry Van Dyke

I have an issue. There are several birds in my yard having an identity crisis or perhaps are somewhat delusional. Some weeks ago, I told you about one bird, that was determined to find a mate in his own reflection found on the kick plate of my front door.

But there's more. I now have a woodpecker than believes the side of my house is a big old tree. He starts at dawn, and his pecking sounds something like a jackhammer coming through my bedroom wall.

There is no talking to these birds. The poor guy looking for a date at my front door keeps finding love in his own reflection , and this woodpecker keeps...pecking, believing that once he gets through the siding, he will find a wonderful tree.

So, to celebrate the these two, I am sharing my original post once again. One of my faves for sure, http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2010/03/are-you-pecking-at-kick-plate-of-life.html

I don't know about you, but I can see some similaritites to my own life in the actions of my fine feathered friends. I have looked for the things I wanted in life in the wrong places before, pecked at my own kickplate if you will, only to retrieve nothing but a bad headache. I have returned to the same spot, or same action, time after time, year after year, expecting a different result.

Perhaps we can take a lesson from the birds on this sunny spring morning.

Here's to a tremendous Tuesday,

Kelly