The Importance of Remembering on Memorial Day...

Although no sculptured marble should rise to their memory, nor engraved stone bear record of their deeds, yet will their remembrance be as lasting as the land they honored. ~Daniel Webster

Memorial Day. A day each year to honor the soldiers who have fallen during their military service. It is a day to pause, and take notice, that those faces on the evening news.....well, that was some one's child. No politics, no parties, no pro or anti war camps. This is a personal day. It is about the brave, who paid an ultimate price so the freedoms and privileges of their country could be protected. This is a day about a father and mother's baby, a child that grew up to be a soldier.

I read an article this morning in the Colorado Springs Gazette, and in honor of the fallen, you should too. It highlights three families. The emotions are raw, the words are blunt and honest. It is worthy of your time.

What to say to grieving families, and why it's important to remember families, grieving, important - Others - Colorado Springs Gazette, CO

And finally, I will leave you with an earlier post, something I wrote after visiting the war memorials in Washington with my twelve year old son.

http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2010/03/each-one-is-stephen-to-someone.html

Today, I am thankful for all of the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country. I am thankful for their families and I am thankful for this day, designed to remember them, the Americans who gave us all what we so often take for granted, freedom.

Kelly

The Rogue Wave of Grief...

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”-Henry David Thoreau-

It's been a few days of deep reflection. Stephen's birthday was one of those "firsts" that was hard to endure. I breezed through St. Patrick's Day without a hitch, and even Easter was hip hoppity. But his birthday. This was a day designed just for him, to celebrate his life, to build on each year of success for him. It was really difficult, and that is a huge understatement. It's taken me a few days to regroup. I've been making a real conscious effort to refocus my attentions on the simple things of gratitude that are all around me. I've been making a point to do something physical every day. I've been giving myself permission to cry, and I've been sleeping when I'm tired. Keep on keeping on as the saying goes....

In my descriptions of life over the past ten months, I've written about the flow of life as if it was water. Going with the flow, flowing around the jagged rocks, and many other descriptors that I use to explain my story. This is no different.

I describe my most recent journey with grief as a rogue wave.

The rogue wave of grief.

To better explain, let me define what a rogue wave is:

An unpredictable, abnormally large wave that occurs on a seemingly random basis in the oceans.

But this is not just a large wave. This is a wave that can topple ocean liners, or wipe away a coast line. Scientists believe it may be a focusing effect, of many waves joining together, and with the right winds and currents, the focused wave can gain momentum and power.

It is a wave that no one expects, out of the natural order and rhythm of the regular waves.

I have heard grief described as waves, a continuous and rhythmic barrage of emotion that hits the bereaved as they mourn the loss of their loved one.

Most times, the intensity of the waves is closely related to timing. As times passes, the wave strength lessens , or perhaps it is you, who is stepping away from the ocean of grief, lessening in its intensity as you heal your heart.

And then, out of nowhere, the rogue wave hits. It crashes in with an fierceness you never expected. It transports you back months and months, and the pain in your chest returns again, the lead lined cells return to weigh down your body. You protest, you've worked through all of this, waves as large and painful as this one should not be crashing on your shoreline. Why is this happening right now? You thought you made it through the worst of the storm.

Here's what I know...

Rogue waves, although abnormal in size and intensity, always go back out to sea. Just like the regular waves, they are compelled by nature to retreat back into the ocean from whence they came.

Similarly, so goes the rogue waves of grief. Take comfort in that. Know that the intense grief that is washing over you at trigger points, or firsts along your journey, will ease. It is not a set back, you are not losing ground. It simply is....

If you are experiencing your own rogue wave of grief, take some time today to just love yourself. Know that this too shall pass, and it is just another part of your journey as you heal and learn how to live again. Look at the wave itself and understand why it is presenting itself in your life right now. Is it a trigger point? Is it because you have been avoiding pieces of your grief journey? Is it because life is made up of all kinds of ebbs and flows, and this is just one of them?

I wish I knew. Whatever the reason, today I am thankful for the rogue wave of grief....hitting me and reminding me that life and grief is not uniform....and that is okay. The rogue wave reminds me of how far I've come, but how intense the pain of loss can be, sitting below the surface, waiting for just the right moment. The rogue wave reminds me of those intense feelings of the early days of my grief. It reminds me that life is short, and can change in an instant, and all the important lessons of life that can only come through loss. It reminds me that when all has been stripped away from your life, you have a choice of what will remain.....love or fear.

I choose the love baby....I choose the love. Through love, I will tearfully remember my boy and create a life based on the lessons from my loss. By choosing love instead of fear, I can ride out any wave.

Take some time today to feel your life, good and bad.....after all, what are we here for anyway?

Kelly

On Your Birthday...Remembering Stephen...

"If tomorrow morning the sky falls....have clouds for breakfast. If you have butterflies in your stomach....ask them into your heart. If you're afraid of the dark....remember the night rainbow". - Cooper Edens

I hope you like the quote. It is one of Stephen's favorites, posted on his Facebook page. I thought it was a good one for today...

May 22nd.

This is the day that my life changed forever 24 short years ago. This is the day that, as a young girl in a delivery room, I said good bye to his brother Matthew, and hello to a tiny little Stephen. This is the day I began to learn that parenthood is a gift, a privilege, that most of us don't realize is the biggest and most important thing we will do on this earth.

Each May 22nd every year since, we have celebrated Stephen and his plain old "awesomeness." There was always lots to celebrate. That has not changed this year, although I must admit, for this occasion girl, the celebration will be through tears. This is a tough one for me, and this entire week has be mixed with moments where I just felt as if I may fall apart. Can't lie to you.

But it is his birthday, and I want to celebrate him. I wrote this poem in the early days of July 2009, when I felt as if I may split at the seams because of the pain that sat within my broken heart. I think it captures who he was...

You just had this way…

I remember….

I remember you small and frail, lying on my chest, curled up and comfortable, accepting of me as the provider of safety for you and your little heart. You were so, so tiny, with transparent skin, and delicate and breakable fingers and toes. I remember the late night feedings, with everyone else asleep, and you, the old soul, looking into my eyes, your own eyes as dark as ebony and deep as the ocean. You barely blinked, and just looked at me and we had this wordless conversation. We talked with our eyes about missing your brother, and the future, and what I wanted for you and for myself. We talked about love in the simplest of conversations. The kind that only a mother and her baby can have in the wee hours of the morning, when the night is stepping back, making room for the dawn to step on stage. It was as if you knew, from the beginning, and could see within my soul. You knew me like no other.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember you, doing a little dance in the doorway when I would arrive home, missing me as much as I missed you. You had this dancing style that oozed unbridled happiness. I remember the cuddles at bedtime, and the story book, Ordinary Amos and the Amazing Fish. You loved that book so much and never tired of hearing about how Amos was caught by the fish instead of the other way around. You always smiled and acted surprised, even though we had read it a thousand times before. I still have that tattered book, and I read it this morning, aloud, and with the same inflection and enthusiasm I used when I would read it to you. I cried.

I remember thinking you were special, somehow different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember the quiet questions you would ask at bedtime, or in the morning when we would talk quietly, still only half awake. They were questions about the earth, and how we treat each other, and why people were mean to each other because they were different. I remember wondering how you were so wise as a child, when your mother had so much to figure out. I remember you, a little older, looking at me with hurt in your eyes, looking into my own hurt eyes, and neither of us knew how to make it better. I remember seeing the tears in your eyes and vowing I would never let you hurt like that again. I remember you bringing in your first girl to meet me. You were nervous and so was she, and you fumbled your words and laughed nervously. You kept looking at her, and batting your eyelashes, and you laughed in a way I had never heard before. Young love laughter, a mix of excitement, and hormones and anxiety.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember the look on your face as you drove across the bridge, over the Mississippi River. You were growing up; we were on our big adventure. Laughing and singing to the tunes on the radio and ready for a fresh start. We had so much fun together driving across the country. You had this way. I remember the moment you put the car in reverse, to drive off to university. I remember what you were wearing, those sneakers I never liked but you loved. I remember how excited you were, and how you had everything in order and prepared. I remember you looking up, then putting the car in park, and coming back to hug me and tell me you loved me when you saw me crumbling and falling apart when the car started to pull away.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember when you grew up, the moment where you transformed; you were no longer a boy, but a man, fantastic and caring and loving man, who would make a huge difference in this world. You were home, and we were having dinner, and having regular conversation. And I looked at you, and realized you were all grown up, and had turned out better than I ever could have hoped for. We had survived the hormone years, and the teenage angst, and the hurts of the past and the roller coaster ride of having a young mom who was learning as she went along, and you turned out just fine. More than fine. I remember looking at you, and realizing that you were quietly confident and happy, and sure of yourself and what you had to offer.

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember the moment I received the call. I remember the kick in the gut pain. I remember the weird calmness as I drove through the night to get to you. It was like you were with me. Yes, you were with me, and that is why I was calm. I remember knowing that everything had changed. I remember negotiating with God, and it how surreal it was to know with certainty that I would be glad to die in your place. I remember the mix of hurt, and pain, and anger and disappointment when I knew God could not change this now. I remember talking with Him, and telling Him that you had this way about you, you were different than the rest... and pleading with him to change this....

I remember thinking that you were special, different from the rest. You had this way.

I remember you had this way. This way of being a son that I could never take credit for teaching you. You had this way of taking care of people, of loving people, of making others feel good about themselves and life. You had this way, this invincible way. I would watch you and think that nothing could touch you. I would see you and see perfection, and feel like I had contributed something good to this world.

I remember that you had this way of living…in the moment and to the fullest. It made your untimely death both unbearable and a little easier to bear all at the same time. You used it all up; you did not waste a moment. But I wonder, about what would have been, the moments that could have followed....

You just had this way, and I was so excited to see how your story was going to unfold.
I remember, and I understand now. You had this way, and that made all the difference to your life. You lived a happy and grateful life, no matter what the circumstance.

My son, my teacher……you just had this way.

Happy Birthday....to Stephen and Matthew. Initially, I had been feeling it was going to be a tough day to find gratitude. But, in reality, it was not....because....

Today I am thankful that for the first time, two brothers are celebrating their birthday together. I know it will be a special one.....

Take some time today to sing Happy Birthday to my boys...

Kelly

ABC News and The Thoughtless Headline...

I always turn to the sports section first. The sports section records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failures. ~Earl Warren, quoted in Sports Illustrated, 22 July 1968

I had planned to write on a different topic this morning, but after reading an article online, I knew I had to blog about it.



The article in question?

Understanding Travoltas Replacement Child

Really ABC news? Really? You couldn't find a better headline, or should I say you decided to choose one that would grab at the attention of people like me.



The story itself talks about the recent announcement of John Travolta and Kelly Preston pregnancy. They are expecting a new baby in November.



But instead of celebrating some good in the lives of two people who deserve a little happiness, this article talks about how bereaved parents can sometimes "replace" their lost children. Questions like, "Is it too soon?" "Why are they having this child?" The title itself implies that you have an intimate understanding of the inner workings and motivators of their family. Do you?



I know you felt like you had something here, bringing in the experts and quoting their statements on bereaved parents. But did you really have to do this? Did you really have to title an article like that? If you wonder if you missed the mark on this one, read your 140 comments at the end of the article. For once, I am on the pro side of the fence for online commenting.



As a bereaved parent myself, I send congratulations to their family as they prepare to welcome a new life. I don't know them, but I do know as any mother knows, your child cannot be replaced. No matter how many years pass, no matter how many other children you bring into this world. The uniqueness of your creation, your baby can never be replaced.

Gone to walk this one off on the treadmill....

Kelly

Don't Stop Believing..

Happy Wednesday y'all....

We're half way to the weekend, and life is good.

Just a short post today, but a powerful quote to print and put on your refrigerator. It was sent to me by a dear friend, and it sums up resilience better than I ever could.

"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me....No matter how heavy my heart is, Or how dark the moment may be......If I can keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true - that darkness will fade with the morning and that this will pass away, too.....Then nothing in life can defeat me." - Helen.Steiner Rice.

Helen is right you know.

Don't stop believing...grab your hairbrush and sing along.....I've attached the newer version .( because I watched an earlier version online and I think Steve Perry's 80's style pants may now be illegal in thirty states) If you want to read about a resilient person, look up lead singer Arnel Pineda and read the amazing story of how Journey discovered his talent on You Tube.

Kelly

Book Review-Louise Hay's "Experience Your Good Now"

Every thought we think is creating our future. -Louise L. Hay-



Happy Tuesday.....



Today, I am writing a book review for Louise Hay's new release,

Experience your Good Now.

Learning to Use Affirmations

Before I begin my review, I want to quickly go over some housekeeping items. I received a copy of this book free of charge from Hay House, as they reviewed my blog and thought my readers might like to hear about the book. I want to make sure I am compliant with all FTC regulations, and let you know that although I received this book without charge, the review is my own personal opinion after having read the book from cover to cover.



Okay, let's talk about Experience Your Good Now..



The book is all about affirmations. What they are, the power of them, and how you can apply them to your life at this very moment.



To quote Louise, she describes an affirmation as:

a message to your subconscious mind saying, I am taking responsibility. I am aware that there is something I can do to change....consciously choosing words that will either help eliminate something or help create something new in your life.

The book is a practical guide for using affirmations in your own life, no matter what the situation. In fact, each chapter focuses on different aspects of life that you would use affirmations: for health, critical thinking, fear, addictions, forgiveness, love, aging, and prosperity to mention just some of the topics covered.



The book includes a free affirmation CD, which reinforces the teachings within the pages if the book.



I loved every page. It was simply organized, and easy to read. The CD was very helpful as well, as sometimes, putting affirmations into practice in your own life can be challenging. The hour long audio CD walks you through the powers of affirmations and how to bring them into your own life.



I think it is important to note that Louise Hay has played a big part in my decision to grieve this way, and to even share my story in my book, Gratitude in Grief. I had been listening to her audio books prior to the loss of my son, and I continue to do so as I grieve. She may never know it, but she helped me understand that I could make a conscious decision about my thoughts, and I could choose to make my life whatever I wanted, even in the loss of my child.



I know that the general public sometimes hears the word affirmations, and thinks about some new age thinking, some practice that may apply to others, but not them.



Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is everyone on this planet is using affirmations daily already, without this book. But, the difference? Most of us have a steady negative affirmation running through our heads day after day. We look in the mirror and see physical imperfections, we look at our finances and see what we lack. We look at loss and we see that our life is over, even though we are still breathing.



Louise, in a simplified presentation, shows us how to turn those negative affirmations around, harnessing the power of your belief system to change your life.



The book is a practical guide for anyone who is ready to end the negative self talk that they live with daily. But, as my blog discusses finding gratitude in grief, I believe there could be a special value in this book for anyone who is grieving any type of loss.



My decision to choose happiness in the face of loss has been one big old affirmation. Each day, I wake up and I confirm that goodness surrounds me, even when I miss Stephen.



Finding resilience in your life requires beliefs. Beliefs come from information that you feed your mind and soul. Do you feed your mind and soul good thoughts, or negative ones? Do you tell yourself that you will get through this, or that you will never recover?



Louise Hay has spent her lifetime helping others find joy and heal their lives. I would highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to make a change in their thoughts so you may make that change in your life.



Louise makes it simple. Feeding your mind the right stuff.



One last thing!



In celebration of the release of Louise Hay's book, Hay House is offering the chance to win a spot on their I Can Do It! at sea Caribbean Cruise, January 28 to February 4, 2011. Enter for your chance to win at :

http://www.experienceyourgoodnow.com/

You can purchase the book by visiting Hay House. Today I am thankful for Louise Hay and her new book, Exerience Your Good Now.

Wish you a positive affirmation kind of day,





Kelly

Raleigh News and Observer Weighs in on Online Comments

“People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

If you've been reading along with me, you know how I feel about anonymous online comments. In earlier posts, I have expressed my concern and displeasure with the ability of the anonymous to verbally eviscerate the people in the news and their families. In the comfort of their own homes, they can, without consequence, pass judgment on any event in the news.

Earlier this spring, I travelled to Raleigh to speak to the News and Observer staff on this very topic, having experienced the hurt of comments written in response to articles published following the death of Stephen. Here's a link to my post talking about that visit.

http://gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com/2010/03/little-piece-of-heaven-on-earth.html

Following that meeting, I have periodically heard from the Mr. Drescher/News and Observer. They have grappled with this issue and tried to, as a staff, come to a solution as to how to handle the issue of negative online commenting, while still providing an open forum for people to express their opinion. I appreciate that they listened to my concerns and have taken the time out of their busy schedules to discuss the issue further.

On Saturday, John Drescher, Executive Editor wrote a column on the topic:

Toward free, civil exchange - Drescher - NewsObserver.com

After reading it a few times, I wanted to share some thoughts.

It appears that no immediate solution has been reached, no committee came back with a unanimous solution to this problem as I had hoped. But as I read this a second time, I could understand why. You see, the second time I read the article, I also took the time to read the three pages of comments.

Raleigh News and Observer readers like the ability to comment on articles, and pass their opinion. They feel they are entitled to do so as part of their rights and freedoms as a citizen of this country. Others like to read the banter back and forth, and, in some cases, that banter is truly a productive dialogue about current issues.

So, how do we protect the individuals and families that newspapers write about from unnecessary hurt and anguish? Is it right to police a system to protect everyone from just a few people, knowing that the majority of comments are thoughtful and appropriate? It's kind of like an elementary school situation, where the whole class is punished for the behaviour of a few individuals who wouldn't fess up and tell the teacher that they were responsible.

Mr. Drescher said he does not want to have a staff person full time monitoring this situation, when they could be reporting.

Well, he has a point. But, on the flip side, one could say by not monitoring, he is allowing the anonymous to represent his publication. Because on the day I read the comments about my child, that anonymous person represented his newspaper as much as he did . One of the comments on Saturday's column said that parents like me just shouldn't read the comments. No offense lady, but walk a mile in my shoes for a week or two and see how passive you would be about words written about your baby, when all you have left to protect is his memory.

I have two solutions, and they are both based on a society that encourages free speech, but it is also a culture that respects its fellow citizens.

1. Disable comments for sensitive stories, especially involving the death of an individual: Perhaps the solution lies in disabling the comment sections for those stories covering sensitive topics only, like the death of individuals. Other publications have already decided to do this, and I applaud their forward thinking. Perhaps it should become a standard practice before posting something that a staff person goes through an established set of criteria to determine if a story should have a comments section or not. Don't assume that bereaved families will not read these stories. When you lose someone, especially suddenly, you look everywhere for some explanation, even in your publications. Some may say that they have a right to comment, and they do. But it does not have to be in this forum.

2. Have readers take personal accountability: I don't think this is only the job of the newspaper to fix this problem. I believe we are all responsible to make this world into what we want it to be. Each one of us could tell a story of heartache and loss. Unfortunately, none of us are immune from pain, nor will we live forever. Tragedy comes and goes, and no family ever breezes through life without being touched by loss, it is part of the journey. So, my second solution is for each reader of the News and Observer or any other publication to speak out. Start reporting abuse and make it a point to have those comments removed. When I reported my concerns to the News and Observer, they quickly removed the abusive remarks. If enough individuals did this consistently, we could make a difference. If enough individuals made this commitment, the anonymous commenter may eventually understand that they live in a society that does not support that sort of behaviour.

I am not against online comments. On the contrary, I believe in the power of free speech. Censorship is not a solution. I believe in my right to post my blog posts daily, and express my own unique and personal opinion. I am not against anything.

I am for kindness. I am for respect and dignity for those who are hurting. I am for a culture that understands that free speech is not the same thing as hate speak. I am for a society that thinks about how their words will be received. I am for a world that realizes we all have a responsibility to make this a better place.

In Mr. Drescher's column, he presents us with two different online commenting situations. The two instances are great examples of how this new way of communicating and sharing our lives online can be a wonderful thing and a hurtful thing all at the same time.

At points in all of our lives, we will need the world to just be kind to us, if only briefly. Let's stand up and take responsibility for ensuring that happens. Let's make a change together, and not let another mother or father have to read anything negative about a child they have lost, no matter what the circumstances are surrounding their death.

If you have other suggestions, I would encourage you to let me know, pass them along to the Raleigh News and Observer, or your own local publication.

Wishing you a stand up for what's right kind of day,

Kelly

A Special Commencement Message

You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world. ~Tom Brokaw

Today's post is an important one for me, because it is a special day. I would ask when you read it that you think about life and not death. I would request that if you only share one post I've ever written, share this one. Share it with the beautiful people you know who are graduating this year.

Today is graduation day for North Carolina State University. Today, many of Stephen's beautiful friends will be starting a new chapter in their lives, and will be celebrating the special milestone of college completion. And, if life had not changed, today would have been Stephen's graduation day. Who knows, maybe it still is. There's no reason why you can't have a cap and gown ceremony in heaven right?

In any case, on this very special day, I've been thinking about what Stephen would say today if he had the opportunity. I suppose in many ways that's what I've been writing about all along.

If Stephen was here today, I believe that he would tell his fellow graduates:

1. Drink up every moment: Live like there is no tomorrow. Give it everything you have, even if it seems like it may not pay off. Take chances, stop to smell the roses. Really listen to people when they are talking to you, especially the children you will eventually have. Give back, and understand that opening your heart to others is the only way to live life to the fullest. Give love freely, and don't hold back because you're afraid to be hurt.

2. Understand the True Meaning of Power: You now officially have those letters behind your name, giving you a professional designation. Congratulations. Use those letters to work professionally, but don't let them become who you are. The number of letters you have behind your name does not make you smart. The title on your office door does not make you powerful. Understand that a truly powerful person is someone who knows that you don't need to be better than anyone and sees the potential in everyone.

3. Don't Grow Up: Today is all about growing up right? The cap, the gown, transitioning into the adult world of work, of mortgages and responsibility and becoming a contributing member of society. But here's the secret. You will have to become more responsible, but you don't have to grow up. Keep your enthusiasm for life, act silly, look at life with the wonder of a child. Keep seeing the magic, because it is all around you. Your ability to see the magic is one of the biggest pieces of living a life of joy.

4. Don't Settle: There will be people and situations in your life that will present you with a choice. The choice will be to believe in the greatness of who you are, or the greatness of someone or something else. Believe in yourself. Don't settle. Don't assume that this is all there is. Because the possibilities for you are endless. Don't stop believing that all of your dreams can come true and you deserve to have them. Because they can come true, and you deserve it all.

5. Focus on the Similarities Instead of the Differences. This goes for race, religion, politics, friendships, marriages, laundry detergent, ketchup, you name it. Judging people based on how they differ from you closes your mind and heart to the possibilities of this world. Understand that the greatest strength comes from diversity. Embrace that and you will hold the strongest energy force in your hands.

6. Don't Let Anyone Else Define You. This is a big one, because it is something that can break your spirit. Don't let anyone define who you are, not because of your mistakes, or your accomplishments. Don't let yourself be defined by a moment in your life, ever. Understand that your life is based on all of it, and only God sees the whole picture of who you are, inside and out.

7. Approach your life with an attitude of gratitude and love. This is another biggee. Because sometimes, life is going to deal you a big old crate of lemons. Approach your life with gratitude and you will see abundance, even when things are not going so great.

8. Learn how to forgive. This should have been a required course to graduate. Forgiving will be one of your hardest lessons, but you must learn it if you want to have a fulfilled life. It is not easy, especially when the hurt runs deep. But you need to know how to forgive if you want to be happy.

9. Understand that life is imperfect, and that is okay. Things rarely go as planned. That is part of the journey. Don't look at your life as a mix of problems and solutions. Because some problems have no solutions. They are simply there in your life to teach you. Trying to find a solution for everything will only leave you feeling like a failure. Make peace with the perfection of imperfection.

10. Look around, into the faces of your fellow graduates. And know this: If you are still on this earth, there is a reason. You have a purpose, and your job is to discover it. Go out in this world and make a difference. Know that you have the power within each of you to do wonderful things. Believe it.

I believe that is what he would tell us today, confident in his words, speaking his truth.

So, on this glorious Saturday, we are wishing all of the graduates this year a life of possibility and dreams, wonder and excitement, love and laughter.

Kelly

Four Cornerstones for Joy, No Matter What the Circumstance

Happy Friday everyone,

I have four quotes for the end of the week. These four sum up life for me and where I found my power when I needed it most. When I decided I wanted to grieve differently, I figured out I needed to surround myself with inspiration for four areas:

Resilience

Faith

Choice

Forgiveness

The first three make sense right? They fit in a situation like this. But forgiveness? What does that have to do with it? Let me tell you, forgiveness is a cornerstone to a happy and grateful life. As I searched for gratitude, I finally started to understand I would NEVER find it as long as I held resentment in my heart.

Now, forgiveness does not just mean closing the book on some long held grievance from someone who hurt you deeply. It means looking at your life, your complete life, and finding the areas that bubble up, like that pot on the stove when the heat helps the contents reach that boiling point. Forgiveness can mean making peace with people so you can shift your focus. But in many ways, you may find that forgiveness is more personal, forgiving yourself for your imperfections, the time when you did not live your best life, where you displayed behaviours that were less than your capabilities. Forgiveness may be given to the universe, God, or life itself. How many times have you thrown your hands up in the air in frustration for the hard knocks that life deals you in comparison to everyone else?

Why is forgiveness so important? Because you can't truly embrace a grateful life if you are holding onto grievances, even if those issues are only with how you feel about yourself.

I am not perfect at this. I work at it everyday, and even with my work, my pot occasionally bubbles on the stove, spilling onto the counter, making a mess. But now, I reset my emotions and keep trying.

At last, I recognize that happiness will always elude a life that refuses to forgive.

Here's the four cornerstone quotes:

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.
-Helen Keller-

Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there. ~Author Unknown

The excursion is the same when you go looking for your sorrow as when you go looking for your joy.- Eudora Welty-

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.

-Mark Twain-

Look around today. Now think about resilience, faith, choice and forgiveness.

How's the foundation looking on your happy life?

Have a great weekend,

Kelly

What's Your Vantage Point?

Happy Thursday....

Here's today's one liner...

"Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be seen from the top of the mountain. So are many things learned in adversity, which the prosperous man dreams not of." -Anonymous-

I read this quote many times in the early days of my grief, encouraging myself to keep my heart open to the lessons that only pain can teach you. My decision to do so is one of the things I give thanks for every day.

Look at your own vantage point today, and ask yourself what you can learn from this, no matter if it is good or bad. Open your heart and understand that you always have a choice to take wisdom and knowledge from any situation instead of bitterness.

Wishing you a day full of seeing the possibilities,

Kelly

Carving Out a Resilient Life

"I think I can, I think I can. . . . " -The Little Engine That Could-

Okay, so it is only Wednesday of the week of one liners, and I am already struggling with keeping this short and to the point. I never realized I was so long winded!

Seriously, the reason for my struggle this morning was finding just the right quote for the day, knowing of so many that have helped me, and inspired me over the past ten months. Picking just one is difficult.

So, I decided to share a few today, with the theme being resilience. Resilience is something I think about daily. The ability to bounce back from life adversity, the ability to be able to continue on, and find happiness, even when surrounded by sorrow.

I've searched for the secret to resilience, not only since Stephen died, but truly for the better part of my life. And although I don't have it all figured out, I know this for sure. A resilient life can only be found if you are looking for it. Resilient people are not born that way. They are carved out of sorrow and pain and hurt.

Here's some good ones for today...

“Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings.” -Victor Hugo-

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. -Ralph Waldo Emerson-

“The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun." Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. –Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-

Think about your own life and struggles. What defines you, the struggle and loss, or your response to it? Use quotes, books, any inspiration you can find, and ask yourself....how can I carve out my own resilient life?

Wishing you a whitewater rafting Wednesday,

Kelly

Many Thanks to The Charlotte Observer

Many thanks to the Charlotte Observer for taking the time to write about my family and my book.


http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2010/05/12/v-print/1422116/woman-writes-in-journal-to-ease.html

Going With the Flow or Swimming Against the Current

From early on in my grief journey, I described my decision to grieve with gratitude as a decision to not swim against the current of my life. As I looked at my life with an open and broken heart, I realized I could not swim back upstream to change my circumstances, no matter how much I wished I could. So, I did not resist, and went with the flow of my life, and used gratitude to keep me in the present moment.

I can honestly say I'm not sure who whispered in my ear and helped me find this path, but it saved me. I found this quote one morning in July and I think it sums it up. Tuesday's one liner is:

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them -- that only creates sorrow. . . Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.-- Lao-tzu

Are you going with the flow of your life or swimming against the current?

Have a good one,

Kelly

Week of One Liners...

It is a good thing for an educated man to read books of quotations.
-- Winston Churchill, Unknown , 1874-1965

I've been thinking a lot about some of the biggest things that helped me get through the last ten months. As I've said before, in most cases it was the simplistic and mundane. There was no sweeping and magnificent solution that breezed in to save the day and "cure" my grief. It was the little things.

One of the things that had the most impact was my search for daily quotes. Each morning, before I wrote about gratitude, I would look for one, a theme of sorts for my day, a snippet of wisdom for me to hold onto as the hours moved forward. It seems like a silly daily practice when I type it like that, but it gave me more comfort than you will ever know. If all else fails, hang with the smart people right? So, I looked to those who came before me, and I found flickers of hope to light my way. In the early days in particular, those quotations helped me survive, as I was truly living a minute by minute existence.

In honor of those great thinkers, I will be sharing some of my favorite one liners that helped me on my grief journey. I hope that they spark something in you just as they did with me.

I would love it if you would share with me and post your own special quotes as well.

Here's Monday's quote:

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.” -Victor Frankl-

Wishing you a week full of magic,

Kelly

The Only Gift I Need on Mother's Day...

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

It is early, and it is my favorite time to write. Sunday mornings I love to sneak away and write a few lines before the day begins, and Mother's Day is no different.

And, on this Sunday, I have lots to say. As a result of my "stare at the ceiling" thoughts this morning, I have lots to say about my first Mother's Day without Stephen.

I have mentioned before that May is a little tough for me, for a variety of reasons. So, as this day was fast approaching, I fell into the trap of focusing on a Mother's Day without him. I remembered my first Mother's Day, and how young and inadequate I felt as a parent; I did not believe I deserved the accolades that were reserved for people as terrific as my own mother. Then I remembered a Mother's Day where Stephen as a young boy, would sprint towards his school knapsack to pull out the most amazing creation he made for me at school. It would be wrinkled, and covered with crumbs of unknown origin from sitting in the bottom of his bag. But, he would shake it off, and thrust it towards me like I was an award winner at the Oscars. And finally, I remembered last Mother's Day when he told me how much he loved me and appreciated having me as his Mom. Simple words from a man, no longer a boy. Last Mother's Day, I thought about him being a parent someday, and how good he would be.

All wonderful memories of my time with a child who was simply amazing.

So, as this Sunday approached I focused on how this would be without him, without those words from him. Because everything has changed.

And then I awoke this morning. And I realized that some things were different, but not all things, and there is much to celebrate. Let me explain:

• Mother's Day is different this year, because he is not here, hugging me and talking to me. But the fact is I am his mother and he is my child. This cannot change with a change of address or with the passage between life and death.



• I have a beautiful boy who is here with me celebrating and smiling and giving me hugs. He shows me that there is still much life to live and to celebrate.



• I have memories that remind me of the gifts of motherhood. I remember those crumpled handmade cards in his knapsack, and his sticky hands hugging around my neck, and I realize that I am blessed to have those moments to reflect on.

And the most important thing I realized? Having both my sons here physically on Mother's Day to present me with cards and flowers and such is not really what the day is about at all. The best gift for me each and every Mother's day is the moment it allows for me to reflect on the blessings of motherhood.

The true gift on Mother's day is seeing that your children are the gifts.

This morning, I am thankful for the gifts of my children. Both so very different in many ways, and exactly alike in others, they transformed me from a girl to a woman to a mother. They show me each and every day what matters in this life is not the tangible obvious successes and glories. It is the little things in life that matter. It is the crumbled cards at the bottom of a crumb filled knapsack. It is the pictures drawn and proudly displayed on the refrigerator. It is the cuddles and the comfort. They've shown me it is worth the effort, every second, every minute, even when loving so hard hurts sometimes.....it is all worth it. They've shown me that it is indeed all about the love, it always has been and it always will. They have shown me that the passage between life and death changes none of that.

I began my day by having a silent conversation with my children, much like the quote says:

The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

If you're a mother, take some time today to have your own conversation with your heart, reflecting on the biggest gifts in your life.

Today, I am thankful for my children....Happy Mother's day to all the mothers out there. I hope you have a day filled with blessings.

Kelly

Remembering My Mother...

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. ~Abraham Lincoln





I was lying in bed this morning thinking about Mother's day. In particular, I was thinking about two things. The first is how I feel each year as the special day approaches, as my mother died in 1991. And second, I've been thinking about how I feel as a mother this year with my son in heaven. I think I will write about the second one tomorrow.

Quietly, I stared at the ceiling this morning and thought about my Mom and it struck me. It has been 20 years since the last Mother's day I had with her. This is the tipping point, for next year, I will have spent more Mother's days with her in heaven than with her on earth. It seems hard to believe as I type that.

I can't even remember how we celebrated that last one. I have a feeling that I tried to get a good card, because in my awkward youth, I always relied on Hallmark to say what I couldn't quite articulate. She was so sick, and although I don't remember how we celebrated that year, I remember the feeling that I had as I realized she was slowly slipping away.

As the years have passed, I have quietly remembered her in my own way, but not talked about it much, because to be honest, it was easier to push the pain away than stare it in the face. I have thought of her often on my grief journey, wishing for her presence with me as I cried my tears of loss. Everyone needs their mother when they hurt.

But, as I have learned that grieving with gratitude can heal your heart, I've decided to celebrate my mom this year, in the same way I have celebrated Stephen since last July. With thanks...

Madge, this is for you....


My Mom's legacy is about the simple gifts that a mother gives her children. Because, as you know, it is the simple gifts that are truly the most important in this life. Here's what I think of when I remember my Mom:

• She was the best cook, and could put flavor on a rock. She made the best homemade bread, and her coconut and sweet milk cookies were the stuff of legends. Each one of her children has perfected at least one of her recipes. Each Christmas, I think of her as I make my own"Christmas soup", with Salt Beef shipped in from another country.


• She was such a lady. The way she walked, and presented herself, with grace, no matter what the circumstance. She had these scarves, and this long coat, and she lived her entire life without ever wearing a pair of jeans. She taught me about dignity, and respecting others.


• When she laughed, she did it with full commitment. Her head swung back, she slapped her leg and stomped her foot, and she made this lilting sound with her voice that sounded like a cross between singing and a hiccup. Her sisters laughed the same way, and I can remember being a kid on a hot summer day, sitting on my back step eating an orange Mr. Freeze and listening to all of them laugh, sitting in the lawn chairs in the sun enjoying their brief time together.


• She was an expert hugger. She could hug you and shut out the rest of the world. She just made you feel that everything was going to work out, because she was squeezing the trouble right out of you. She had this intensity about her when she hugged people, almost as if she understood how fleeting life was, and if this was to be the last, she wanted to make it a good one. Her hugs...were amazing. If I could have bottled them and sent them all over the world, we would have world peace.


• She taught me about unconditional love. She loved my dad and her children with an white hot intensity, and was fiercely protective of our family. She loved us, and would tell us, even when we did not deserve to hear it sometimes. Sometimes, her expressions of love were not conveyed with words, but quiet actions. The day I came to her as a teenager and told her I was pregnant with Stephen, she was getting ready to go out, and when the news was dropped in her lap, she threw her beige high heels at the refrigerator. Years later, as I think about that moment, I realize in many ways,she was saying she was loving me right then, because she didn't throw the shoes at me.


• She showed me how to love my own children, and I've always thought of her as I praised and cheered my own boys, remembering the look on her face as she watched me sing in the Kiwanis Music festival.


• She showed all of us the importance of family, and how nothing should ever come between the bond you have.


• She nourished my faith, and showed me an example of her own daily. She taught me that true faith, true Christianity happens not only in a pew on Sunday, but every day in how you treat the people who cross your path.


• She slammed the cupboard doors when things displeased her, and now, as I am a mother myself, I think about that every time I lose my cool. I slam doors by the way.


• She, more than anyone else on this earth, showed me how to be resilient. My mother showed me how to bounce back, and how to steer your ship back on course when a storm threatens to throw you against the jagged coastline. She was a master navigator, although she never realized it when she was alive.


• She showed me that just because life is not perfect, it doesn't mean you can't live a perfect life. My mother showed me the art of making life good and making the best of any situation.


• I realized after she passed that she was the magic that made Christmas a holiday, a birthday worth celebrating, Easter eggstra special. She set the table and went the extra mile to show you it all mattered. She showed me the importance of making the extra effort, and making life special.

Today, I am thankful for my mother.

As you prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, think about your own Mom's magic. Whether she is living or in heaven with my mom, take some time to celebrate the legacy of motherhood. For me, as I look around my life, and the lives of my siblings, I see pieces of our wonderful mother that have continued to live on.....

Kelly

Avoiding Blocks to Gratitude

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? -Thich Nhat Hanh-

It is late in the day for me to blog, but I really wanted to put down my thoughts on blocks to gratitude.

Early on in my grief, one of the things I noticed right away was my absolute intolerance for anything negative. People, situations, conversations, television shows. It was as if my heart was so broken open and raw, I just could not emotionally handle anything that was not focused on goodness. Looking back at that change in my perception, I am thankful for it. It was a gift, no matter how difficult the circumstances were in receiving it.

That intolerance has subsided somewhat, but it flares up like a fire would when doused with gasoline. This week, my fire has flared a little. I find myself once again, feeling a little broken, and raw, and I need to reevaluate what I've let back into my life in terms of blocks to my gratitude.

So, as I contemplate my own circle of influence, I thought I would list out some personalities to avoid if you want to live a grateful life. Note: I must confess, at some point in my own life, I think I have acted like each one of these labels on the list. Every day now, I work hard not to fall back into the old habits. Here goes, and excuse my sarcasm, it comes to me thru heredity:

1. Whiners: "It just not fair. Nothing ever works out for me, ever." Whiners loudly exclaim the injustices in the world, particularly how it affects their life. Whiners never have a glass that is half full, it is always half empty, and sometimes has a leak. They need to tell you about it, and the tone of their voice escalates as they explain, until you feel that your eardrums may burst.

2. Complainers: similar to whiners, with less drama in their delivery. Nothing is right, nor will it ever be completely right. If a complainer won the lotto, he would talk about the tax implications rather than the winnings. Complainers look for the crack in the glass, the fly in the ointment, or rip in the pants. And then? They tell you all about it.

3. Commiserators: "You broke your back? I broke my back and two ribs and set my hair on fire. Yes, you're right, it is so bad, and it probably will never get better. That's life. " Commiserators mean well, and they want to support you, but truly the only thing that ends up being supported is the continuing never ending cycle of conversation on how bad life has treated you.

4. Doomsdayers: "It is going to be soooooo bad. No reason to try and be happy, because the sky is indeed falling. I just know it." Doomsdayers have already written the whole thing off. I have met doomsdayers who simply bewilder me. If I was that convinced it was all predetermined, I would sleep a little longer, and not worry so much about the bills.

5. Emotional Vampires: I am not sure who originally coined this term, but it is brilliant. Emotional vampires are those people in your circle, who, to put it simply, suck the positive right out of you. You can't really put your finger on it, but you feel emotionally low and physically exhausted when you finish a conversation with them.

6. Cynics: You are going to meet people in this world who don't understand you. Sometimes, if you are positive, and approach the world with an open heart, others may ridicule and poke fun at you. One of my favorite quotes about cynics sums it up best:

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -H.L. Mencken-

Bottom line? If you want to live a grateful life, surround yourself with people who are grateful. Put yourself into grateful situations. Living life with gratitude is not only about your choice and desire. It takes practice, and repetition, and awareness.

If you are surrounded by people who fit the descriptions above, ask yourself. Do I feel good, grateful, and positive when I finish speaking to them?

You can't completely eliminate the negative from your life. But you can take control over what kind of people and situations you allow yourself to be part of.

And what if it is YOU that is the cynic, emotional vampire, or complainer?

It doesn't matter if you are grieving or just simply living.....choose to see that good surrounds you. If you are surrounded by people and situations that don't allow for love to enter your heart, know that you have the power to change that.

It's a work in progress. I realized I need to check in with myself from time to time, and make sure I don't fall back into old patterns of thinking, or give the negative permission to come back into my life. For me, it is a selfish reason. When I focus on the good, I feel Stephen, all around me. It is as if I can feel his magical and magnificent personality with me. I am not willing to let that feeling go away.

Whatever your reason may be....take some time and think about how you want your life to be...and let the good in.

I will leave you with the "Gratidudes." Love them...

Get ready to dance people....it's almost Friday!

Kelly

The Top Ten Tips for Living a Life of Gratitude

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.-Denis Waitley-

As promised yesterday, I want to continue on my theme of gratitude for the week. I want to retrace my steps a little, and review the important realities of gratitude. Now, as I am sure you know, gratitude is universal. It is not simply for the bereaved, to assist you on your grief journey. So, without further delay, here is my top ten tips for living a grateful life, David Letterman style, without Paul Shaffer on the drums:

10. Make it a Habit: In order for you to live a life of gratitude, you have to approach your life with thankfulness, each and every day. Obvious right? But most of us don't. Most of us have an internal conversation going on in our head all day long that focuses on what we don't have. If you want to have a grateful life, you have to slowly start to change that conversation in your mind. And the best way to do that? Make your daily gratitude a habit. Commit to reflecting on and giving thanks for the blessings in your life each morning, or evening, or both. But, you need to do it consistently. And don't kid yourself, it's not easy at first. It seems kind of silly, and your cynical mind will try and talk you out of it. But keep trying. If you read the psychology theories, they will tell you it takes anything from 21 days, 66 days, 254 days to form a habit. I think it depends on the person and the level of commitment to change, so keep at it.

9. Write it Down: Writing down your gratitude is an important building block in creating your relationship with thankfulness. Taking the time to write it (or type as I do) solidifies the reality of it and it gives you a point to return to and reflect. But the most important thing about writing it down for me? It shows my progress. When I review and read my old posts or excerpts from my book, I can see how far I've come. And on the hard days, I sometimes need that reminder.

8. Look Within: We spend so much time looking outside of ourselves for happiness. We have mistakenly been convinced that happiness comes from a full bank account, a great car, tons of friends, small waistline, clear complexion, perky breasts, and the acceptance of others. But go to Bravo and check out the Real Housewives of whatever city you choose.....they have all of that, and??? The reality is, happiness can only ever come from within. Look within, and become still, and you will not only find your own unique perfection, you will also find all the glorious things about you to give thanks for.

7. Look to Nature: In the months since Stephen's death, nature has played a big part in my life. The flowers, the birds, the butterflies, the cleansing rains. Its beauty seemed to grow with my increased attention. On the difficult days when I did not think there could be any beauty on this planet without Stephen in it, I would sit outside and just look around. I always managed to find something. Nature is a big source of gratitude.

6. Avoid the Negative: forces of Whiners, Complainers, Commiserators, Doomsdayers, Emotional Vampires and Cynics. I will talk more about them tomorrow, but eliminating the things and people that drain your goodness is a very important step to finding and living a grateful life.

5. Wear Your Rose Colored Glasses: Each and every morning, sit up from your rumpled bed sheets, and reach for your strategically placed glasses on your nightstand. Wear all day. Next day, repeat. If you want to have a grateful life, this is one of the most important pieces to the puzzle. You have to see your life as abundant. You have to see the good in situations and people. Even in tremendously bad situations or people. A rose colored lens allow you to see that there is, and always has been, more good in this world than bad. One of the things that you may notice about my writing is I try to focus, for the most part, on the good stuff. For the untrained eye, you may think as you read every day that my life is built around the good stuff, trips to the beach and hockey games, butterflies and birthday cakes, and family who loves me. And, to a point, that is true. But that is because I make a choice not to write about the leak in the kitchen, the stresses of owning your own business, the fact that the bills keep coming every month, and some independently wealthy benefactor has not stepped in to alleviate the financial pressures. I don't always write about the times when I look at Stephen's pictures and can only cry and say his name...It is not that I am denying those realities in my life. I am simply wearing my rose colored glasses and seeing that even though all those stressful things exist, I can still be grateful and happy for the good stuff. Think about that, because this is an important point. It's all about what you focus your energies on....what are you paying attention to?

4. Find Something to Believe in That is Bigger Than Yourself: My faith has played an integral role in finding gratitude in my grief. Believing in a Higher Power, someone who could see the bigger picture, and was looking out to me as I grieved literally saved me. If you want to have a truly grateful and reverent life that exists both inside and outside of your own head, find something to believe in. I have always looked at this as a non denominational thing. I don't believe that one faith has it figured out and the other does not. I just believe you have to believe that you are surrounded by a love that is bigger than you could ever imagine, one that looks out for you, even when you hurt.

3. Remember it is The Little Things: Before Stephen died, I struggled with my gratitude journal. Some days, it felt repetitive, and shallow, and something not worthy of the effort. I only found the true secret of gratitude by having my life implode before my very eyes. Everything I knew and took comfort in was stripped away. And I finally understood. It was the simple things. The hugs, the emails from people, the flowers, the butterflies, the greeting cards, the pictures, the memories, the prayers, the tears, the conversations with God. It was the little things, never the big sweeping things that gave me the most comfort. This is important for gratitude and for life. Because if I had to choose tomorrow, I would choose one more hug and late night chat with my boy over any fortune, fancy car, or overflowing bank account.

2. Have an Open Heart: This is a biggee. In order to feel grateful for the gifts presented to you in your life, you have to open your heart and your mind to receive them. I was not always good at this. For me, it kind of goes back to Helen Keller's thought:

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.-Helen Keller-

There was a time in my life I was surrounded by goodness, and abundance, and I saw none of it. It was because I had a closed heart and mind, focused on who had wronged me, or how life had kicked me when I was down, or what I was afraid of. And each moment I focused on those things, was a moment of my life without gratitude. Open your heart and mind and aggressively look for the things that are good in your life and worthy of a shout out.

And, drum roll please.....

1. Choose: I could delete the preceding nine, and number one would give you enough information to successfully live a grateful life. It is simply about the choice. Choose happy versus sad. Choose resilient versus bitter. Choose forgiveness instead of anger. Choose Gratitude and abundance rather than loss and lack. I know you sometimes feel like you have a right to be bitter and angry and lash out for all that has happened in your life. I feel that way sometimes too. But the honest truth is the only person you are hurting by choosing to live your life that way is YOU. In many cases, we do have a right to be upset and angry, and we all need to let those emotions out from time to time. But how does it help you in the long term?

So, take a deep breath when you feel yourself starting to react to the natural ebbs and flows of life. And choose to find something good, no matter what the circumstances.

When I lost Stephen, and I wondered if I would ever find goodness again. There are days, I still wonder. But each day, I choose. Each day, as I write, I choose to look for the things that still remain that remind me of the joy he had for life. And, as if he is carrying them to me on angel's wings, I find them.

Gratitude is possible in any life, in any circumstance.

Wishing you a day full of thanksgiving without the turkey hangover,

Kelly

Whole Wheat Versus White....

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

I need to be honest. I thought about putting some fluff post up today, but I reminded myself of something important. One of the things I am most grateful for in my grief journey is learning how to be me, authentic and imperfect, goofy with bad spelling, hurt and forever changed, open and true to my story.

So, I will be truthful. May is a tough one for me. I realized it would be one day in February, when the month of May suddenly jumped out at me in the calendar. In March, I felt a sense of dread when I thought about May, with all of its spring beauty, and promise for a fabulous summer. In April, I started to write about it, privately, to be published at a later date. And then, the month arrived, with no fanfare, just creeping in quietly, reminding me of the swift passage of time.

May is Stephen's birthday month. He would be 24 years old this year. May is the month he was supposed to graduate from NC State University, and begin the next chapter of his life. May is the month, that just one year earlier, he was bounding up the stairs and laughing with Brendan, laughing and living life and completing our family.

May is a trigger month for me. I knew it would be, and it's okay. I understand that all of the feelings are okay, and I feel comfortable letting them out.

So, as I work through some of my thoughts this month, I thought it might be helpful to get back to the basics, and take a look back to the beginning and really understand how I found gratitude in grief. This week's posts are dedicated to gratitude: the decision to find it, what to focus on, how to build on it, how to grieve with it, and how it can change you.

Since the release of the book, I've found that many people ask me how and why I decided to grieve this way. And, for the first few times I was asked, I tried to formulate some introspective response that would show my thought process, explain my well thought out plan. But I need to fess up. The decision for me to grieve with gratitude was made in much the same way I decide to eat whole wheat versus white bread.

There was no magic, I had no special strength, or wisdom. I simply knew I had two choices and I picked the one that was better for me. I did so because I just knew that it was a pathway to survival and learning. I believe it was a gentle whisper in my ear, from God or Stephen, guiding me through the darkness of my life. I am hoping for more of those gentle whispers as I work through the month of May.

So, join with me this week, as we look at the power of gratitude and how life can be transformed, no matter what the circumstance, when you focus your thoughts of thankfulness.

I would love to hear from you, so if you have tips or questions, drop me a line. A good discussion is a well rounded one, with all points of view.

Today, I am thankful for the power of gratitude. As I work through the tougher days and trigger points of my grief journey, I know that it will help me through, as it did in July 2009.

I will leave you with a song from The Bangles. Grab your hairbrush and sing along.

I always wanted to be a singer in a band,

Kelly